Back again

[MKB23]

So let's see. Things were going great then yesterday I called H and just tore into him. Basically, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed. It was the kids. My anger is a big big issue. For 3 days they had really just ignored me and acted out. It was constant. Of course, my way of coping, take it out on him. Not a good thing. I do realize this is a known and recognized coping mechanism. Albeit not a good one.
Then of course here I am having to apologize again. This is my pattern. And it's awful. Not just for me but for everyone around me.

H came over and stayed while I got ready to go to the show. He kept looking at me weird. Can't explain it. I did apologize. A heartfelt apology. At one point, I said, the stupidest part of all of this is that we still love and care about one another. He did not confirm nor deny. Although, his body language and the way he looked said he knew I was right. I guess the crux of this, is indeed my anger.

In a nutshell, it was agreed at some point to get together so I can basically tell him my issues. I hope I can explain this succinctly. In the past, I have harbored many resentments and anger. They tend to come bubbling out when I am overwhelmed. This makes it even more hurtful as things get said in anger. Especially because often he didn't even realize I was upset about something. Or when I said something it was indirectly. An example- He would go with his friends 4 wheeling on holidays like memorial day. I would stay home and keep the kids. I felt like 1. he didn't want to be with me. 2. I was just the babysitter. 3. I got all the work and no fun. So then I would complain that he was gone all weekend. He would think my issue was just the time or amount of time he was gone. When in fact, it was much much much more than that. It made me feel rejected and lonely. Also the other things. Like it was up to me to do all the work.
I never said this. If I had, perhaps the outcome would be different.

He and I both recognize my need to basically say these things. Not for blaming or to make him feel guilty but to deal with it. Move past it. So it doesn't come spewing out in a heated exchange. So that I can get it all out and move past it. Forgive. In the truest sense of the word. Forgive him for doing those things. Forgive myself for not standing up and saying something. For handling things wrong, for allowing myself to feel disrespected and devalued.

Not sure if any of this is making any sense to anyone. However, these issues, are in fact at the core of our problems. I am getting a sense that his moving out and isolation is a way to remove himself from my anger and outbursts. Protecting himself. It's not that there are no feelings left. Not that at all. Just that by stopping contact he protects himself. I also think that is why he is so adverse to touch of any kind from me. Even a hand shake. Ain't happening. My guess is that touch causes too many feelings that he is trying to shut down. Ironically, he will touch me but not allow me to touch him back or initiate it. For example, he rubbed my shoulders last night because they were bothering me. This isn't something new. I carry all my tension there and for years he has rubbed them. However if I try to touch him even on the arm he will pull away. That's pretty scary and something I am having a hard time coming to terms with. Especially considering his LL is touch. Not sure how to interpret this.

I was reading Tori's sitch and I do feel like I need to make a comment. One of the topics was intimacy and sex with WAS. First let me say that every relationship is very very different. However, mine and H, sex would be a definite plus during separation. I don't necessarily agree with some others that it is cake eating or out of the question. For us, it was always a way to communicate when perhaps we couldn't any other way. It was a way to feel needed, loved, and wanted.
Now, I am not saying for all you guys to go jump in bed with WAS. I am just saying not to accept something as right for your R just because it is what is advised here. I hope that makes sense? At the same time, it would have to come naturally and not forced. Also, of course depends on your spouse. I really hope I didn't just confuse anyone further. Another thing to consider is just because you have sex doesn't mean that you are on the way back. Likely that is far from true. However, it can be used as a means to communicate when perhaps other things aren't working.

Incidentally, while this is going to sound strange, I have noticed my sex drive coming back. I guess it is as some of the anger is starting to leave. Ironic. Now I actually am open to the possibility and H is gone. Sigh.

I think he is coming over one day this week while the kids are gone.
He may not. Who knows? Time will tell. No expectations, right?
In the meantime, I am trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings so that I can express them in the least damaging manner possible.

Again, this stuff is hard.

[Crazyville]

However if I try to touch him even on the arm he will pull away. That's pretty scary and something I am having a hard time coming to terms with.

I can understand this. If you associate the person with pain, then you don't want them touching you. If your dog constantly bites you, you might still like to pet them. But if they turn toward you, then there's fear of them biting you again.

In my case, I choose to not touch my H either (definitely don't want him to touch me) because I don't want to encourage any sort of closeness at this point. He's just too hurtful to me.

[tori2012]

MKB, lots of updates from you since last time I visited your thread. I like the fact that you're really delving into yourself, and learning about your behavioral patterns. Now the next step is to be aware of your triggers so you can control the negative behavior. Notice if there's a little something in your stomach when one of the kids misbehaves, or anything that gives you a clue you might become angry. Catch it right there.

You've grown a lot, and should be proud of yourself for that :-)

[MKB23]

Oh Tori- I wish I could be proud of myself. Still a long way to go. I know my triggers. I have even told the kids. They know them too. LOL I am laughing now but I wasn't then. For one thing I am very noise sensitive and can get to feeling overwhelmed quickly when they are screaming or shouting. Which, honestly, is just normal kid stuff.
The bigger thing is exactly what I said. I guess I resent some of his freedom. I have done the bulk of the work for a very very long time and still am. I need a break too sometimes.
Although, to be fair, often if given the choice, I wouldn't want to be without or away from them anyway. Sigh. How stupid is that? I do get overwhelmed. Maybe part of it too was that thought in the back of my mind saying why do I have to put up with this while he just gets to do whatever in the world he pleases. Hell, I even still have HIS cat to take care of. Seriously.
Likely though he is not having the great time I have made out in my head. I can't imagine having nothing but silence and NO kids around for days at a time.
Perhaps, I just need a shift in perspective.
Thanks again Tori!

[tori2012]

Could you be burned out and in need of a two-three day getaway? Can you get away at all? I think it would relly help. I don't have kids, but I can imagine how hard it must be to deal with the noise during this stressful time in your life.

And why take care of the cat? Tell him he has to take his cat with him (unless you actually like to have the cat around.)

BUT you really should be proud of yourself. Remember that.

[MKB23]

He was unable to take the cat with him. She is siamese and completely forlorn. They are notoriously people cats. Anyway, I like her, will take care of her but it irritates me. It's like seriously...you walked out on your cat too? I really do love the cat but she's not mine as I said.

I am not so sure I need a break exactly. I need things to work a little better for me. Some of the things I have been focusing on is organization. Seriously, if I keep everything organized and I do not feel the stress of being unprepared in addition to days when someone is having a bad day then it helps. We have been doing so much here in this house. Big changes in a small amount of time. I realize I had sort of given up on anything ever changing and hadn't invested much energy into anything anymore. That includes the house, the kids behavior, making this feel like a home. Really before it was just chaotic. Stupid. I was so angry it was like I'll show you, you deal with it. End result, no one really did deal with a lot of things. So basically every day I am trying to keep with my schedule and do a little more each day to finally get my house back in order and feeling nice and peaceful. Maybe it is just my makeup but I feel better mentally when my environment is orderly.

And I know I have lived here for 10 years but how in the world did I accumulate this much crap????

OMG! Some things I can see that I was buying to try to make myself feel better. That was an eye opener.

[MKB23]

Saw H today. Talked on the phone too. Weird. Things were fine. Perhaps a little strained but not too much. He came over and fixed S window. Of course he broke it a couple of days ago. Not sure what it is with this house and windows. Anyway, that was rather quick and uneventful. Then he actually joked around with me. Seriously. I was a bit flabbergasted. Not sure how to even react. I thought he lost his sense of humor in about 2007 or so. lol :-) I'm kidding it was weirdish but nice. I think perhaps I overthink things. Had plenty to keep me busy both today and tonight. Didn't think too much more about it.
Worried about the storm though. We are pretty much out of any real danger but we will get the bad weather. It is already very very cold and rainy. Windy too.
Needless to say it is a good thing that was fixed. So he is still doing his fixing thing and trying to take care of some things at least. He fixed the window and took our window units and put them up for the year. Likewise, when invited to do anything by me he still refuses. I have decided to stop asking, regardless of what it is. I asked him today about going to girls' basketball game tonight. It was an away game. He declined. I had sort of hoped it was just me and he would show up to see them anyway. It would have thrilled them! No such luck though. Otherwise, I don't have a whole lot to report. He seems to get angry with me still rather easily as well. I noticed today I don't even remember what I said but I could tell he was getting pissy so I said, I'm sorry that I made you mad. I sure didn't intend to. His response was "I am just aggravated. I have decided I am not getting mad anymore." So I dunno.I have seen and heard his mad before and that sure felt like where we were heading. Anyway, I really think, his primary motivation at this point is sort of to detach from me. Trying not to feel anything. Really. I don't think it's working so hot but I think that is what all of this is about. I apparently hurt him much more than I thought.
Oh and Crazy- I even asked if he wouldn't let me touch him because of fear of being hurt. I think you are right on. He wouldn't answer. Something about his reaction tells me that might be the reason though.

So that's all I have to report. I am actually going to bed early. Completely pooped and might as well get a little bit of rest. Snuggle in under the covers and share the bed with my bratty dog. At least he doesn't snore or roll up in my covers. :-) I hope everyone here is staying safe with this storm.

[tori2012]

MKB, hope you had a good night's rest. My town didn't have a lot of storm damage, but the state overall was impacted in a huge way.
Anger might also be an expression of fear--fear of getting close to you, fear of the future, fear of reliving the past.
Identify the triggers of his anger (and your own.) I think awareness is your best friend. Once you are aware, you can stop the negative exchanges before they happen.

[MKB23]

Well I just spoke to him on the phone. One of the things that had been bothering me was he asked the kids what they knew about XW1. I guess he was worried about what he thinks I might have told them. In a nutshell, he feels like he has found his one and only true love again. Oh and she is married but separated too. Hmm. I am trying to digest all of this. Truth be told I feel like saying F it and going out and having a fling and never looking back. I am obviously very very angry. Trying to not go off like i would have in the past.
It's ironic, every single time he and I talk he is still doing the revisionist history.

Does anyone have any ideas or advice on how long does it take WAS to really acknowledge their part if ever?????


I am going nuts here.

[Wendylon]

Hi MKB,

I'm sorry you feel as if you're going nuts but it's a normal reaction to your sitch.

In a nutshell, he feels like he has found his one and only true love again. Oh and she is married but separated too.

How do you know this? Directly from him? However you found out, it doesn't matter in terms of your DBing. Anyway, the DBing is for you, isn't it?

The revisionist stuff drives me absolutely mad too. I find that one really difficult not to react too. Good job not going off the way you would have in the past. Keep posting and reading and you'll see that you're in good company. Hang in there.

Big hug.