Thinking of you, wishing there was something I could say that would make you feel better or take some of the pain away.
If only it was that easy, right?
I don't see you as a failure. Not at all! You did everything you could to save your M. You continue to be a strong woman, and have set an unforgettable example for your sons.
Keep us posted, even if it is just to vent. You have so many people thinking of you
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Snodderly, as usual I read your post again and again. Ill trust this L. I'll keep the boundaries. I'll work through the grief as it comes in waves.
MissA, GB, tvs, thanks you!! I needed the encouragement!!
Journaling:
Poor H.
H got back from vacation yesterday and S19 contacted him and drove to his place yesterday evening for a 3 1/2 hour heart-to-heart convo. I highly respect S19 for doing this.
S19 told me about it late last night when he got home. H did much of the talking and much crying, some bitterly. Same stuff I've heard from H.
It was interesting that S19 observed "he has rewritten family history", being that I've never verbalized that term. S19 was 4 years old when H & I married so he has a different perspective on our history than a child born after wedlock.
Also, H said he's "never tried Christianity" which I found quite odd, being we were fundamentalists for a while. It's more like he's tried "churchianity".
H mostly talked about looking for passion in life. Tried to find it with me but couldn't. Wants to find it with somebody else.
S19 talked about how H has always taught him to accept responsibility and do the right thing even if your feelings are otherwise! It's the way to be a real man. This is where H cried bitterly.
S19 also talked about the impact of divorce and moving from his childhood home -- impacts for S12. S19 said since he is already in college and will be "moving on" in a few years, the impact for him is much less. He compared our lives to H's life as a boy and asked how H would have felt.
S19 is quite the young man. I'm dam proud of him!
S19 said he doesn't think H has changed his mind but has a lot to think about.
I've been moping and dreading this week. S12 turns 13 tomorrow and it will be our first family holiday with new boundaries in place for me. Instead of our usual family routine celebrations (balloons, cake, special meal, presents, family day), there will be an awkward something else. Followed by divorce filing this week if all goes well.
I'm numb.
I'm feeling less of a failure. Just super-weak.
I also noticed that H had plans on vacation for himself that he didn't do at all (journaling working out, beach time alone). Just partied. I mean splitting a BOTTLE of rum? Again and again?
H also has had plans for his "new life" he hasn't done at all. Never has ridden his mountain bike since he moved out. No journaling, extra gym workouts, etc. Just parties. And drinks.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rH, Your S19 is more of a grown up than your h right now. You have a lot to be proud of in him. He's a fine, outstanding young man who has made you proud and will be a wonderful husband and father some day.
I hope that your h listened to what your son was saying. (He's already rewriting history and your son is very much aware of it.) Yes, he gave him a lot to think about, but it will not change your h's mind at this time. He's on a one way train bound for nowhere.
Yes, your poor h is in a pitiful state because nothing is going the way he wanted it and he still hasn't found that passion he thinks is out there. The depression is talking big time when he speaks of passion. Those feelings have been stuffed way down into his soul and right now he's looking for that quick fix to make him feel better and he thinks some other woman will do the job. I guess the vacation and his bottle companion didn't do the job in making him feel better.
All of those so called plans went right out the window when the mlc and Jim Bean started calling him. All of his old interests are packed up and put on shelf in his mind. He may say he's going to do something and then won't. Life isn't what it use to be for him and now he's going into the mirror image mode, i.e., exact opposite of his old self.
I'm sending birthday wishes on to you son. Create new memories w/his celebration and don't allow what is happening to mar his special day. Sometimes doing somethng different spices things up a bit. I know it's going to be very awkward, but you will have to do what you think is best. You may want to ask your son if he would like for his father to be there for the celebration and go from there and then set your boundaries after this celebration as this is not having your h there to entertain his son, but a family gathering.
rH, I'm very sorry he spent most of his time away partying. This is the teenager in him that came out. I hope that he will settle down and get his act together for the sake of his family and his own life.
Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Its funny how our kids can be so much more mature than our mlc'ers, huh?
Both the younger ones have had "talks" with W. The oldest, I am not sure, those two (S19 and W) have had an "interesting" dynamic since age 3 or so, plus he is the one who discovered the proof of her cyber/OMs/etc (that I don't think W knows still, I said that I discovered it to protect their R), so there is that discomfort.
Anyone, IMO, who goes more than 90-180 days after BD with a mlc'er cannot be a failure, you have done the hardest thing, especially when you figure in the "weirdness" from 2008 onwards...damn...you have had quite the journey and you are still intact, stronger than you know...sounds like "not-a-failure" to me...
I was learning some songs last night and this one made me think of you, your Mustang speeding on a desert road:
Quote:
Times Like These - Foo Fighters
I am a one way motorway I'm the one that drives away then follows you back home I am a street light shining I'm a wild light blinding bright burning off and on.
it's times like these you learn to live again it's times like these you give and give again it's times like these you learn to love again it's times like these time and time again
I am a new day rising I'm a brand new sky to hang the stars upon tonight I am a little divided do I stay or run away and leave it all behind?
it's times like these you learn to live again it's times like these you give and give again it's times like these you learn to love again it's times like these time and time again
Hang in there!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Snodderly, thank you for the post. I drew encouragement to make sure his birthday is special. I feel like just giving up sometimes but the encouragement here keeps me on.
Tvs, you are hilarious!
T^2, wow, about S19's discovery. The skeletons in closets in families.....you and S19 are quite the men! I am so impressed.
I love, love the song. Thank you!!
Journaling:
Bought Neil Young's "Harvest Moon" the other night in the middle of the night & have listened to it over and over again.... "because I'm still in love with you....on this Harvest Moon".
So...H came over today to "talk". So far...we haven't mentioned the splitting of assets. It must be like some of T^2's talk with W -- just the TALKING part -- lol!! Two hours of cuddling (no ML although he wanted to VERY badly & I thought about giving in...but didn't).
He needed to cry. Needed to get some of the pain out verbally. Needed to hold me and be held. I think after S19's talk last night, it's the closest I've felt he is to making the decision to come back. But he won't do it. He wants to stay on the train to nowhere (thanks snodderly) b/c he hasn't been there and wants to know what it'll feel like in nowhere land.
He said sometimes he misses it here. Misses it terribly. All of it ... the place, the boys, me, our life. But it's not enough to make him come back.
He's still looking for his one true love. And he is fearful of losing me and moving on....then not finding anyone...and ending up alone. Is that why he is hanging on to me? Lest I move on? Idk.
He is afraid he is going crazy. I didn't think of validating. I never do, "in the moment". But looking back, I guess I did. Tried to reassure him that we all have these issues that we have to deal with sooner or later, etc. And many other validations.
He felt very "comforted" and, strangely, (isn't all MLC behavior so weird?) he got overwhelmingly sleepy. For hours.
He went into town to get lunch since I didn't have time to make it, and he let S19 drive his Mercedes like a good father would do.
He also thanked me for "not being accessible" to him.
He took S12 now to play tennis. I guess we will try to do the birthday party as normal tomorrow and then proceed with D.
Later...
After he got back from tennis we talked more. We both laid on the bed and watched the spectacular sunset over the pasture through the French doors he installed in our bedroom. It was beautiful.
I finally thought of "validating". Asked how he felt. He said "lost, confused, stupid" etc.
He gave us some souvenirs he brought back from his trip that were really nice. What he bought for me was beautiful. He told me privately, that it really tore him up to buy these things because he knew WE should have been with him. He never took us to a nice place like that.
Every time the subject of him coming back came up with me, he cried bitterly but would cling to the "so many reasons" why it would never work. He couldn't say what the reasons were, though.
Just before he left he said he knew that one day I will be successful with my own business and happy in a R. Then he choked up. And I said, "and you will wish it was you?" he said he just hoped he would be happy for me.
S12 is angry at him. He told S19 he doesn't love his dad any more b/c he is abandoning us. And S12 told H he is worried about the $ aspect. S12 is ever the little business man. S12 says nasty comments about H from time to time to me but won't talk about his feelings.
So on we go to a new day. The birthday today.
As I was contemplating the whole sitch this morning the conclusion I came up with is H says it's too hard for him to come back. Easier to wallow in his misery and try to close his eyes to the pain he is causing and wish and hope for some new life that will make the pain of this one less. He says all the women he meets now turn away when they hear he is "almost D", so I guess he wants to push it through to see what it's like on the other side.
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
rH, Wishing your son a very happy birthday. I hope everything goes well today for his party.
Your h had to talk about what was on his mind and he needed the security that you provide to him right now, hence the cuddling. Just as a mother would do for her child.
I'm not surprised to read that he cry. He is so confused and in so much pain that he really doesn't know what to do and if what he's doing is the right thing to do. I'm glad you allowed him to cry and get it out of his system. Right now, your h is on the train to nowhere because he thinks that the illusive happiness will be at every stop along the way. Unfotunately, he doesn't realize that happiness comes from within. Missing you, your sons and the life he had are not enough to bring him back right now and it will be a very long time before he realizes that home is where he had it all.
A lot of them think that they are going crazy because their thoughts/emotions are all over the place and yes, guilt plays a part in making them feel this way too. They are very torn during this time, especially at the beginning of the crisis and early replay.
Your h is hanging on to you in case things don't work out for him and you are also the last thread to his past. In his mind, you need to stay right where he left you, but that doesn't happen because life goes on and so do we. We move on, but we can also leave the door ajar and continue to have the candle burn in the window to show them the way home.
As for being sleepy, I'm sure he hasn't slept much, what w/the partying and returning home and having to now face some of the consquences of his actions, as well as the conversation your son had w/him playing over and over again in his head.
His train is continuing to move forward and may even pick up speed. His mentioning that women are turning away because he has stated that he is almost divorced is a key that he is out there looking and looking hard. Time to step back and allow God to work on him.
I'm glad to read that your son12 is talking to son19. He may feel more comfortable in talking to him rather than to you right now. At least he's venting and talking to someone. Give him time, he'll open up to you as well.
Give your h time and space because he really needs to focus on himself and his issues. Turn your focus back on to you and your family and most all the party today.
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Snodderly...I hate to ask on this post, but dont know how else to reach out to ask you questions. I have read tons of your advice and I would love your advice on my sich, although im not sure if H is a WAS or MLC? My story is on Newcomers "crack in my perfect life".
My question after reading your recent response to this post is...if we give our H's time and space while they are having an affair, how do they have time to focus on theirselves and their issues? Especially if they dont think they have any issues. My H seems so caught up in the affair, he could care less about me, my kids and my unborn baby. I cannot imagine he is focusing on anything but OW right now???
I see you are in MD...I hope you are safe for the storm..raining and windy here in VA...
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
