Lost and confused

[AnotherStander]

First let me just mention that the punch-through type repair kits are for tubeless tires, so your H is right about not using it on a bike tire. They make patch kits for tubes, you don't have to buy a new tube. You have to remove the tube, air it up, submerge it in water to find the leak, dry the leak area, glue the patch on and reassemble.

As soon as I got home, the sadness hit again. I think deep down I'm trying to sabotage my detachment. I love him, I don't want to have to detach. I know I have to but I don't want to.

So sorry you're hurting Detaching isn't leaving him behind though. It's just pulling back and working on yourself and giving him time and space. I understand you don't want to, but it'll help him and it'll help you. I was interested to read that most of what you posted under "me" wasn't about you at all, but your H. Just remember, detaching isn't about dwelling on H and your sitch, it's the opposite of that. It's about getting control of your life back and changing your focus. It's about getting back in touch with the person you were before you got married. Finding your strength, independence, contentment and happiness. These things don't come from your H, they come from within. You've got to find them again. When you do your H will notice, and THAT is usually when the WAS starts showing interest again. The thing about this is you can't fool yourself into thinking "OK, I'm happy and content now, when will H notice and come back????" because that clearly indicates you're still needy and have NOT found yourself. When you find yourself you'll know it. You'll still care about H, but you'll know you'll be fine with or without him. Based on your posts you're a long, long way from that point. That's OK, it's not a race. Some people take quite a while to get there.

I also feel this deep dispair that maybe it really is too late, maybe the damage is done. H just wants to party and I don't know if that will ever change.

I've been there too. What helped me was to pick up DR again and read some of the stories in it. Plus I went through all the success stories on these forums, here are some links:

Another Divorce Busted!

And also check out this sticky in MLC:

MLC Successes/Cinders list of Restored Marriages

And these bootcamp threads:

Successful Women

Successful Men

Unfortunately not all the links are active because some of the threads are quite old, but there's enough active links in there to keep you reading for quite a while. There are some newer success stories in the piecing forum that aren't included in the above, so look there too.

Anyway, when you read through the above what you will find are many examples of seemingly dead marriages that ended up reconciling. Read through them and I'm sure you'll find many examples similar to your own sitch, I know I did.

I feel our relationship maybe doomed. Not because I'm not willing to change but maybe because he won't.

Well that's the whole concept of DB'ing, only one person is working on the M. That's the case for most of us here.

I've read here about the anger most people face. Maybe I'm not normal?

Every sitch is unique. I haven't ever felt any anger towards W in spite of what she's put me through. Because even though she would never admit it, I know she's hurting and confused inside too. We're both going through this, just not together. I hope the paths on our separate journeys cross again, but only time will tell.