Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

Haven't heard from H, still tempted to message him and ask him about the I love you thing. I have been having a good time but I'm also confused, can feel that ache coming on slowly. That feeling that something (H) is missing. The growing sense of dispare. I think I might message him tomorrow and ask him. I don't know.

Don't ask. Asking is pressure. If he says it again then say it back to him, or say "thank you, it's nice to hear that" or some other kind of acknowledgement. But DROP YOUR EXPECTATIONS!!! Just celebrate it internally as a small baby step and keep going with your DBing.

Thanks AS I think I already realized that, or I would have sent the message the night he said it. Just him saying that sent my mind whirling. It's nice to hear other people's opinions to though.

[Soul.Searching]

If there is any moderators reading this,... I changed my display name lastnight. It said it had to be approved by a moderator. If anyone who has the authority is reading this, can you please fix this up for me? I kinda found this place by accedent and joined. Probably not the best username for me to have. I'd really like it changed please?

I got the kids bikes all packed in the car today to take them to ride at a local park. S back tire was flat, so we pumped it up at a service station on the way. Got to the park, had lunch, went for a bush walk then went to go and get the bikes out of the car. S back wheel was flat again! Looks like he must have gotten a puncture when he took it to his Dad a few weeks ago! We drove around to about five different shops before we could get a puncture repair kit.
Usually that would be something H would do! Looks like its up to me to attempt to fix it for S. I'm sure I can do it.

At the park after the bush walk, I was on the seasaw with the kids and then they went off to play on the slippery dip. It got me thinking about D saying how whenever H takes them anywhere, he just sits on his iPhone the whole time.
Thinking back now, he has already missed out on sooo much! Is still missing out on so much.

A few weeks ago before I deactivated my Facebook I was looking at photos he posted of the kids. Yes it was good to see them but I also remember thinking "They are nice photos but they are not MY memories. They are H's memories and the kids memories but not mine.

Looking over photos a few days later (and boy did I take a lot of photos. I realized that sooo many of them from the kids first few years were MY memories. H has always worked a lot. Just feeling really sad for my kids. Shouldn't be like this.

[Soul.Searching]

This may be long. The first part is about H, the second is about me.

So H called this afternoon. He called once and I didn't answer,
he called again right away so I answered knowing if I didn't either he would keep calling me or get really pissed off because I didn't answer.

He said "Hi are the kids there?" so I put S on, I heard S telling him about our busy weekend. Including not getting home until 1Am and about his bike tyre.
Then S gave the phone to D and I heard D tell him about buying Halloween costumes and that they might be going trick or treating this year.
(Halloween is not a big thing over here but the kids have always wanted to go but H would never let them)
D came and handed me the phone and H asked about S bike. I told him I had pumped it up because it was flat but then it was flat again before he got to ride it.
I told him how I brought a puncher repair kit and was going to use it soon.
H told me not to use that because it is bodgy.

I said I didn't have the money right now so it would do for a few weeks until I had the money for a new tube. Well he said he wanted me to go to the bike shop and find out how much a new tube is and call him and he will transfer the money.
Then he told me how he would put it on when he gets back in three weeks time.
I said no I will put it on, i used to do it on my bikes when I was a kid. He kept at it then said that I could either find out how much for them to change it for me or wait until he gets back. I asked him if he thought that I would break the bike.
He said no but I shouldn't have to be doing it, he would do it.
I think I might use the puncture repair kit anyway. I just don't understand him though. It's like he needs me to need him to do things for me.
He has no right to tell me I can't use a puncture repair kit!

Also I told him the kids might be trick or treating this year with mutual friends who are going. (H hasent really liked these friends for a while, I'm not really sure why.)
H went off saying he was sorry but they are not going.
Once he realized I would be there too he was Okay about it.

He finished off the conversation by letting me know he was about to go out drinking.

Me:
So I was out with the kids last night and had a great time. As soon as the kids were in bed, I cried and reflected and was just generally sad.
Today was a busy day having fun with the kids, followed by a BBQ at my brothers house. I was okay most of the time there but H kept popping in to my mind.
Usually he is there too. So it was the first one since he left.

As soon as I got home, the sadness hit again. I think deep down I'm trying to sabotage my detachment. I love him, I don't want to have to detach. I know I have to but I don't want to.
It also really hurts to think H may have gone through this while we were still together. It hurts to think I could possibly have caused him this pain too.

I also feel this deep dispair that maybe it really is too late, maybe the damage is done. H just wants to party and I don't know if that will ever change.
I feel our relationship maybe doomed. Not because I'm not willing to change but maybe because he won't.
I've realized just how much I put up with from H and in the long scheme of things, I deserve better. I don't deserve to be treated like that.

I also realized that through out this, I haven't been angry! When H told me he kissed someone else I never felt anger. I feel deeply hurt, betrayed, lost trust but not anger. I did feel some anger toward OW but I know that's not right. Even then it wasent a deep anger.

I had a couple of days where I thought "f**k him" but it wasent a deep anger, more of just a little frustration.

I've read here about the anger most people face. Maybe I'm not normal? I have grieved and have faced the facts that it happened. Faced the fact that maybe this is perminate. I just don't feel angry. I feel like I almost completely skipped that stage? Maybe it will come in time but I don't see it.

I can see the mistakes I have made and I have forgiven myself. I have also forgiven H. I want him to be happy. I know he didn't do this to hurt me or the children. There's a lot I don't understand but I realize that I don't need to.

I do still have my moments where I try to analyze everything and mind read.
That is just me though. Even before all this, life is like one big jigsaw puzzle to me. Something could have happened a few months ago, and someone can say something now and my mind will instantly click back to a few months before and fill in the jigsaw piece.

I think one of my biggest downfalls is I think too much. My head always has that much going through it. I've always been a very deep thinker. Infact sometimes I find I don't know what to say in conversations amongst groups of people because I have that much going through my head.
I've started mediation but haven't been doing it regularly.
I think that's something I need to start making more time for.

My biggest fear is something happening to my children! I don't know how to get past that. Today while bush walking, we got to a really think bushy part and I started thinking about snakes and when if the kids stepped on one! I ended up suggesting going to the park and the kids happily agreed.

I think that fear is escalating now. I dont want to live in fear but I have no idea how to handle that one.

I think I've handled my abandonment fears. My bio father left when I was a baby and never came back in to my life. I've accepted that now. I was just a baby. That was not a reflection on me but a reflection on who he is.
My brothers father was who I was brought up to know as my father. He never played the part either. I realize now that he already had another girlfriend was before he agreed to telling me he was my father.

I think maybe I was in preschool when he agreed to that. I remember being sad and lonely at preschool. Then one day I remember him coming with my Mum to pick me up one day. I remember being so excited and saying "See there's my Daddy" to the other kids.
Those memories never seemed to make sence before but I'm thinking now that maybe I was singled out at preschool for not having a father. And he agreed to do that.
My Mum has not had a boyfriend since I was born. I think after the second divorce she gave up on men. I think now if she found the right person, she would have another R.

H left,... I love him and u miss him but I realize now that I don't need him. It's okay if he doesn't love me. It hurts but it's it's not a reflection on me. Maybe it is in a way a reflection on who I was but I'm putting that down to not having the life experience to know how to deal with somethings.

When this is all said and done, no matter how it turns out, I know I will be able to honestly say I tried! I fought for our marriage and gave it all I had. I think I'll be able to take comfort in that.

This roller coaster has already changed me. I still have a huge way to go but I do feel a little better about myself already.

H is now at his away job for the next three weeks, so I now there will be no PC for that time, I think that scares me. I don't know why but I have this fear of detachment.
This is already way to long, so I guess I better stop rambling now.
If anybody actually reads this whole post, thank you and I hope it's not too scrambled lol

[Soul.Searching]

Just a few days before H left, this song came on the radio. H told me to listen to the words.


You and I go hard at each other like we're going to war.
You and I go rough, we keep throwing things and slamming the door.
You and I get so damn dysfunctional, we start keeping score.
You and I get sick, yeah, I know that we can't do this no more.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
That I'll only stay with you one more night
And I know I said it a million times
But I'll only stay with you one more night

Try to tell you "no" but my body keeps on telling you "yes".
Try to tell you to "stop", but your lipstick got me so out of breath.
I'll be waking up in the morning, probably hating myself.
And I'll be waking up, feeling satisfied but guilty as hell.

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again, making me love you.
(Making me love)
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
(I let it all go)
Got you stuck on my body, on my body, like a tattoo.
(Like a tattoo, yeah)
And now I'm feeling stupid, feeling stupid, crawling back to you.

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
(Yeah)
That I'll only stay with you one more night
(Oh)
And I know I said it a million times
(Yeah)
But I'll only stay with you one more night
(Yeah)

Yeah, baby, give me one more night
Yeah, baby, give me one more night (whoa, yeah)
Yeah, baby, give me one more night (oh, yeah, yeah)

Yeah, but baby there you go again, there you go again making me love you.
Yeah, I stopped using my head, using my head, let it all go.
Got you stuck on my body, on my body like a tattoo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

So I cross my heart and I hope to die
(Oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh)
That I'll only stay with you one more night
(Oh oh oh oh oh oh)
And I know I said it a million times
(Oh, I said it a million times)
But I'll only stay with you one more night
(Yeah, baby give me one more night)

So I cross my heart and I hope to die (yeah, yeah)
That I'll only stay with you one more night (yeah, yeah)
And I know I said it a million times (yeah, yeah)
But I'll only stay with you one more night (yeah, yeah)

I don't know, whatever.

[Soul.Searching]

Goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend
You have been the one, you have been one for me.
Sometimes in love but sometimes it hurts instead.

[AnotherStander]

First let me just mention that the punch-through type repair kits are for tubeless tires, so your H is right about not using it on a bike tire. They make patch kits for tubes, you don't have to buy a new tube. You have to remove the tube, air it up, submerge it in water to find the leak, dry the leak area, glue the patch on and reassemble.

As soon as I got home, the sadness hit again. I think deep down I'm trying to sabotage my detachment. I love him, I don't want to have to detach. I know I have to but I don't want to.

So sorry you're hurting Detaching isn't leaving him behind though. It's just pulling back and working on yourself and giving him time and space. I understand you don't want to, but it'll help him and it'll help you. I was interested to read that most of what you posted under "me" wasn't about you at all, but your H. Just remember, detaching isn't about dwelling on H and your sitch, it's the opposite of that. It's about getting control of your life back and changing your focus. It's about getting back in touch with the person you were before you got married. Finding your strength, independence, contentment and happiness. These things don't come from your H, they come from within. You've got to find them again. When you do your H will notice, and THAT is usually when the WAS starts showing interest again. The thing about this is you can't fool yourself into thinking "OK, I'm happy and content now, when will H notice and come back????" because that clearly indicates you're still needy and have NOT found yourself. When you find yourself you'll know it. You'll still care about H, but you'll know you'll be fine with or without him. Based on your posts you're a long, long way from that point. That's OK, it's not a race. Some people take quite a while to get there.

I also feel this deep dispair that maybe it really is too late, maybe the damage is done. H just wants to party and I don't know if that will ever change.

I've been there too. What helped me was to pick up DR again and read some of the stories in it. Plus I went through all the success stories on these forums, here are some links:

Another Divorce Busted!

And also check out this sticky in MLC:

MLC Successes/Cinders list of Restored Marriages

And these bootcamp threads:

Successful Women

Successful Men

Unfortunately not all the links are active because some of the threads are quite old, but there's enough active links in there to keep you reading for quite a while. There are some newer success stories in the piecing forum that aren't included in the above, so look there too.

Anyway, when you read through the above what you will find are many examples of seemingly dead marriages that ended up reconciling. Read through them and I'm sure you'll find many examples similar to your own sitch, I know I did.

I feel our relationship maybe doomed. Not because I'm not willing to change but maybe because he won't.

Well that's the whole concept of DB'ing, only one person is working on the M. That's the case for most of us here.

I've read here about the anger most people face. Maybe I'm not normal?

Every sitch is unique. I haven't ever felt any anger towards W in spite of what she's put me through. Because even though she would never admit it, I know she's hurting and confused inside too. We're both going through this, just not together. I hope the paths on our separate journeys cross again, but only time will tell.

[labug]

So Lisa, how are the goals coming?

What are you doing for you this week?

Focus on you, that's the only way to be a success at this.

[Soul.Searching]

First let me just mention that the punch-through type repair kits are for tubeless tires, so your H is right about not using it on a bike tire. They make patch kits for tubes, you don't have to buy a new tube. You have to remove the tube, air it up, submerge it in water to find the leak, dry the leak area, glue the patch on and reassemble.

It's not a punch-through type. It's a tube type. Im really not sure what to do about this. On one hand i feel like H still has that control over me. On the other i would like he to respect my wishes regarding the kids. I just dont see this one should even be an issue.

So sorry you're hurting Detaching isn't leaving him behind though. It's just pulling back and working on yourself and giving him time and space. I understand you don't want to, but it'll help him and it'll help you. I was interested to read that most of what you posted under "me" wasn't about you at all, but your H. Just remember, detaching isn't about dwelling on H and your sitch, it's the opposite of that. It's about getting control of your life back and changing your focus. It's about getting back in touch with the person you were before you got married. Finding your strength, independence, contentment and happiness. These things don't come from your H, they come from within. You've got to find them again. When you do your H will notice, and THAT is usually when the WAS starts showing interest again. The thing about this is you can't fool yourself into thinking "OK, I'm happy and content now, when will H notice and come back????" because that clearly indicates you're still needy and have NOT found yourself. When you find yourself you'll know it. You'll still care about H, but you'll know you'll be fine with or without him. Based on your posts you're a long, long way from that point. That's OK, it's not a race. Some people take quite a while to get there.

Wow, I didnt even realise i posted about H in the "me" section. lol,.. Thats a bit of a eye opener. I do know that i will be okay with out H. I also no it will be a long hard road. I know i'm no where okay but i will be!

I also feel this deep dispair that maybe it really is too late, maybe the damage is done. H just wants to party and I don't know if that will ever change.

I've been there too. What helped me was to pick up DR again and read some of the stories in it. Plus I went through all the success stories on these forums, here are some links:

Another Divorce Busted!

And also check out this sticky in MLC:

MLC Successes/Cinders list of Restored Marriages

And these bootcamp threads:

Successful Women

Successful Men

Unfortunately not all the links are active because some of the threads are quite old, but there's enough active links in there to keep you reading for quite a while. There are some newer success stories in the piecing forum that aren't included in the above, so look there too.

Anyway, when you read through the above what you will find are many examples of seemingly dead marriages that ended up reconciling. Read through them and I'm sure you'll find many examples similar to your own sitch, I know I did.[/quote]

Thanks, I will check them out later.

So Lisa, how are the goals coming?

What are you doing for you this week?

Focus on you, that's the only way to be a success at this.

The goals are coming slowly. I did zumba today and plan to do that at least three times a week. Im slowly sorting out the house, Man H has some stuff! ive also been going out quite a bit. Just to friends and familys houses mainly. Taking the kids out and shopping. I dont have any H orentated goals yet.

The nights are the hardest. H called lastnight, made a point of telling me he was out fishing in "Our" boat. That hurt. He knows i loved the boat and miss going out in it.

Im not sitting around the house moping.Mostly its the nights that get to me. Im feeling okay tonight though.

[Soul.Searching]

Feeling pretty good today. I'm taking the kids out this afternoon for their first time trick or treating. It's not hugly celebrated here and H never let them go before. So they are really excited.

I was walking around the shops today and looking at all the Christams stuff and I actually started getting really excited! It's strange because usually this is a really stressful time of year for me. If anything it's going to be a lot harder to prepare for it this year. It's going to be a tough one emotionally too but yet I found myself looking at all the decorations with excitement and a strange sense of peace.
It's going to be a very strange Christmas but I'm actually looking forward to some parts of it.

Some parts hurt like hell because H would usually put up a heap of Christmas lights. (He offered to do it this year but I haven't decided yet.)
We would take the kids to look at Christmas lights together, "Be Santa" together. The Six week Christmas holidays are usually so family orientated. H gets five weeks off, so it the one time of year we have sooo much family time together for weeks at a time. Usually go camping and stuff.
Its going to suck when he has the kids so much, especially knowing they will be going on a family holiday without me.

These things do make me sad and tear up, so I was suprised by my feelings. I'm so looking forward to decorating the house with the kids and singing and dancing around the house to Christmas carolls with them.
Just feels really bittersweet.

H called lastnight and we set up Skype so he could "See" the kids. He called a few times. He sounded really tired and kinda sad.
It was strange seeing him talk to the kids on Skype. I ended up going in to another room and leaving them to it. His was playing up and wouldn't let him call, only let me call him.
Today he called a few times in the morning, I missed the calls and called him back later. He has deleted Skype and reinstalled it, he wanted to see if it was working.
M: Are you going to wait until the kids get home from school and then try it?
H: I guess so
M: I have heaps of stuff to do today.
H: I have been feeling so tired lately, I've been sleeping heaps but still feel so tired.
M: Maybe it's the heat?
H: I've been getting heaps of sleep though.
M: Probably drinking too much then?
H: No, I didn't drink yesterday or the day before.
M: Maybe your getting sick then?
H: I doubt it, I don't feel like it, I'm just so tired and I don't know.
M: Well I don't know.
M: Anyway I'll let you go and speak to you later.

He just sounded so down.
I really don't know how I feel about that.
My heart wants him back so badly but my head screams No.
I'm actually starting to feel better about myself lately.
His comment a few nights ago, making sure he told me he was out on "our" boat, really hurt. It stung. He knows how much I love being out on it and how much I miss it but yet he feels the need to rub that in my face!
What kind of person does that? That's just mean to do to anybody let alone someone he used to love, to the mother of his children, the woman he spent 13 years of his life with.


I love him and I miss him but he was right about one thing, I do derserve better. I dont see him ever treating me the way I derserve. I'm not letting him abuse me or put me down any longer. I'm not going to keep teaching my children that it's okay to be treated like that because it's not.

I'm not perfect but I think I'm a pretty darn good person, mother, friend etc.
I'm a work in progress and will be for a long time. I like me, I'm learning to love me.

I dont do some of the girly things like pluck my eyebrows ( Never one have I touched them lol) or straighten my hair. All my girlfriends get a shock when the find out I don't do thoses things. I don't do them because I don't need to do them.
I'm just lucky with those things.

I'm not prepared to start doing those things for him. I should not have too.
I do have some 180 I have been doing but I'm not changing those things for him.
Love me or love me not.
I am me, not who he wants me to be.

[Soul.Searching]

So I took the kids in there first ever trick or treating tonight. We went with friends and their children. The kids loved it, we were gone maybe a little over two and a half hours. They got so many lollies I don't know they will be able to eat them all lol


They called H when they got home, he called them back in Skype. I could see him but was standing where he couldn't see me. He looked so sad. He wasent interested in talking to me but that's okay. I'll live and I'm not going to let it ruin my night.

After he hung up I heard my children talking,
S8: Well I guess Dads really not coming home this time, He's been gone for ages.
D9: He had been gone a really long time.
S8: It's okay we're over it by now
D9: we're not over it that much
S8: I am, I'm used to it by now, I'm used to him not being here.
D9: I'm not really over it.

What a crappy situation. I really don't think H has realized the extent this has/is affecting them.

I just want to state that H wasent all bad, all the time. He does have a lot of good points. He is kind and will do anything to help anyone, unfortunately the children and I were not a top priority a lot of the time.
There were times when we were just not all the time.
He can be sweet and loving.
He was a really great Dad at one stage.

Thinking back on it now, I think it is a MLC, I'd have to say that if I'm right, he's about two years into it. He has always had these bad points but I'd have to say it really escalated in the past couple of years.
About 18 months ago was when the exercising and new clothes, aftershaves etc started.
His moods became much worse and much more frequent.
He can go from a good, happy mood to be seriously pissed off, then remorseful, upset and than happy again in a matter of about 5 mins.
It seems he moved out as soon as he possibly could afford it. Right after we had just finished paying off a bunch of debts.
There's no way he could have moved out any sooner because of finances. Well unless he stopped spending money on crap every week.

Everyone says how he is a real Jekyll and hide!
He can be the sweetest most caring, generous guy one minute, then the most moody, aggressive arse hole the next.

I do see an "alien" in him. He's indecisive, very indecisive. That's one thing H has never been. Lately I've heard/ seen a lot of that.

As for me, it really is bittersweet. I love not having that tension, aggression and moodiness in my life, I love feeling free! I love not having to worry about what H will say. I can do what I want, when I want without having to worry. I can buy the clothes I like, without worrying what H will say. I can cook without worrying if it's good enough. Right now everything I do IS good enough! I'm doing my best and I don't have anyone there to tell me my best is not good enough!

On the other hand I do miss him. I miss the fun we had together, I miss seeing him playing with the kids. I miss his randomness and spontaneousness (Is that a word? Lol)
I miss his cuddles, the way he couldn't keep his hands off me.
I miss going for long drives with him. I miss the way his energy can brighten up the room. I miss his quirky sense of humor. I miss his kind, caring side.
I miss how he was always there for me when I needed him the most.
I miss his laugh, his smile, I miss him.

I do like me a lot better now though. I have had a couple of people comment that I seem happier now. ( I'm not at time but at times I actually am because I'm starting to feel like I can actually be me.)
I have had comments that I look really good too. I have lost a little bit of weight, I'm not overly big but I do have weight to loose. Mainly my legs and arse lol.
I have been loosing weight but I think that's just stress and the fact that I don't have H making midnight snacks for me anymore, lol

It's just so strange today. Half of me is happy, excited and at peace but the other half is just sad and wants to analyze everything.
Half of me wants him back sooo badly, the other half says no way!
I feel a strange sense of peace and contentment but yet I feel confusion and discontentment.

I don't think I have ever felt so many emotions at one time. It's a weird life right now.