Kicking a$$ and taking names!

[reachingHigher]

Snodderly, thank you for the post. I drew encouragement to make sure his birthday is special. I feel like just giving up sometimes but the encouragement here keeps me on.

Tvs, you are hilarious!

T^2, wow, about S19's discovery. The skeletons in closets in families.....you and S19 are quite the men! I am so impressed.

I love, love the song. Thank you!!

Journaling:

Bought Neil Young's "Harvest Moon" the other night in the middle of the night & have listened to it over and over again.... "because I'm still in love with you....on this Harvest Moon".

So...H came over today to "talk". So far...we haven't mentioned the splitting of assets. It must be like some of T^2's talk with W -- just the TALKING part -- lol!! Two hours of cuddling (no ML although he wanted to VERY badly & I thought about giving in...but didn't).

He needed to cry. Needed to get some of the pain out verbally. Needed to hold me and be held. I think after S19's talk last night, it's the closest I've felt he is to making the decision to come back. But he won't do it. He wants to stay on the train to nowhere (thanks snodderly) b/c he hasn't been there and wants to know what it'll feel like in nowhere land.

He said sometimes he misses it here. Misses it terribly. All of it ... the place, the boys, me, our life. But it's not enough to make him come back.

He's still looking for his one true love. And he is fearful of losing me and moving on....then not finding anyone...and ending up alone. Is that why he is hanging on to me? Lest I move on? Idk.

He is afraid he is going crazy. I didn't think of validating. I never do, "in the moment". But looking back, I guess I did. Tried to reassure him that we all have these issues that we have to deal with sooner or later, etc. And many other validations.

He felt very "comforted" and, strangely, (isn't all MLC behavior so weird?) he got overwhelmingly sleepy. For hours.

He went into town to get lunch since I didn't have time to make it, and he let S19 drive his Mercedes like a good father would do.

He also thanked me for "not being accessible" to him.

He took S12 now to play tennis. I guess we will try to do the birthday party as normal tomorrow and then proceed with D.

Later...

After he got back from tennis we talked more. We both laid on the bed and watched the spectacular sunset over the pasture through the French doors he installed in our bedroom. It was beautiful.

I finally thought of "validating". Asked how he felt. He said "lost, confused, stupid" etc.

He gave us some souvenirs he brought back from his trip that were really nice. What he bought for me was beautiful. He told me privately, that it really tore him up to buy these things because he knew WE should have been with him. He never took us to a nice place like that.

Every time the subject of him coming back came up with me, he cried bitterly but would cling to the "so many reasons" why it would never work. He couldn't say what the reasons were, though.

Just before he left he said he knew that one day I will be successful with my own business and happy in a R. Then he choked up. And I said, "and you will wish it was you?" he said he just hoped he would be happy for me.

S12 is angry at him. He told S19 he doesn't love his dad any more b/c he is abandoning us. And S12 told H he is worried about the $ aspect. S12 is ever the little business man. S12 says nasty comments about H from time to time to me but won't talk about his feelings.

So on we go to a new day. The birthday today.

As I was contemplating the whole sitch this morning the conclusion I came up with is H says it's too hard for him to come back. Easier to wallow in his misery and try to close his eyes to the pain he is causing and wish and hope for some new life that will make the pain of this one less. He says all the women he meets now turn away when they hear he is "almost D", so I guess he wants to push it through to see what it's like on the other side.