The crack in my perfect life...

[Sweetbriar]

Just a quick update of my day..H texted D14 DURING SCHOOL HOURS and advised her:

"you are killing me...literally"

I was pissed as this is not acceptable to be texting her this while she is sitting in World Geo. Not something she needed to have on her head. He also texted her once tonight and said:

"dont ever forget" and sent a picture of him with both girls. She responded by sending a pic back of all 4 of us, and said "ditto"

His response was: "I will never forget. All those memories are what keep me going. I love you all very much"

I am believing nothing, because in my head, if that is what keeps you going is the family and our memories, then why aren't you here with us? Im thinking this is one of those "don't believe anything he says" moments, and maybe he says things like that to D to make her think he still loves me. I know he loves them.

I do think its about time that something be done about the texting D certain things. I dont want to tell him not to text her because I'm scared to death he will bring that up in court and make it seem I am keeping them from him which is not the case at all. I just feel some texts he has been sending are inappropriate and not what a Father says to a D.

Anyway, other than that, day was okay. My friend is trying to get me to visit a psychic with her for fun. She says she has been before and she told her some interesting things. I'm debating about going..not for any answers, but for fun...to see what she has to say. Anyone on here ever been?

[Accuray]

I renew my suggestion to all go to a family therapist to help with things like what your H texts to your D's. If you get involved he's likely to get angrier and view it as another effort to separate him from the girls as you guessed. You do need to protect your girls, and you do that by helping them set boundaries, and by getting a counselor involved.

Sweetbriar, why do you feel your H got to this place? Why did things get so bad for him in your marriage? When you're dealing with a person with low self-esteem, a lot of their bad feelings come from within and have nothing to do with you, but at some point H's balance shifted to "better off alone". Given what an involved father he was, that must have taken quite a while to get there. Do you have insight into his perspective on things?

You have to ignore many of his current complaints and view of history because he's rewritten it, but if you think back, what dynamics did you have going on in your marriage that pushed the two of you apart and lead H (and probably you) to feel so badly?

Accuray

[2chiquitos]

I went to a psychic with my cousin. She took both of us in separately and told both us not to tell the other what we were told or else it wouldn't come true. Turns out, she told the both of us the same thing! LOL!

I will marry a white man. All my friends envy me. And something else.

Another lady, not a psychic but a santera, said Don't go back to previous relationships. This one really made me think. I'd like to see it as don't go back to your old relationship. Similar to what DB says.

[Sweetbriar]

Accuray...I have thought about your post. I have given so much thought to this question you ask, way before you even asked it:) I have often thought back of what happened and when...

I do know that the past 5 years have been hard on us a couple. I had my step dad get sick with cancer and die, and he was like a best friend to H. They were extremely close, golfed together every weekend and this was the only person in H's life that had ever died. It will be 4 years ago in March, but he was very sick for a year. I do know that this affected H very much, and also the fact that I helped my step dad and mom very much during this time. I would spend the days there with him since I only worked as needed and I would be home in the afternoon for kids and H.

2 years ago, my mom was diagnosed with Colon Cancer and since she had lost my step dad 1 year prior, she was alone. I felt the need to be by her side through it all and I was. H helped also, as he was ALWAYS close to my family, but I think he started to resent the fact that I helped her so much. I would stay there one or 2 nights a week and help her during chemo. (She lives about 25 mins away) and he would help with kids when I wasnt home. My mom is now fully recovered and doing well...thank god.

Then, the straw was last Nov my dad moved in for a short 3 month period to find a new home. My dad is not easy to live with...drinks a lot and smokes, all of which were outside. This was extremely stressful on my, as my dad and I butt heads, BUT, this was a joint decision and H was the one who said to me that we cannot leave him stranded. He was here still in January of this year and he had an accident and fell. He had a tramautic brain injury and was very close to dead. He was in a coma for weeks and then in the hospital and rehab for more weeks. This was very hard on me, as my dad is also single and I felt, once again, that I had to step up because I didnt work full time, etc...when my dad moved back in after he was released from hospital, he was a lot of work at first. I do think that H was just fed up with me taking lots of time with dad and not him. I admit that he was put on back burner a lot. H then started to head to the bars and that is where he met OW.

I know this is SOME of the issue, as he has brought up many times in arguments that he stood behind me with all my family issues, and I feel horrible when he does because I feel like its my obligation to help out our parents when in dire time of need. I thought he stood behind me, but now realize that he didnt. He said he did, but resented me for helping so much. At one point, he said my dad had to leave and I told my dad that he had to go. (this was just one month after he got back home) and I wrote H a email a work saying that I tearfully told my dad he had to leave. I hope you are happy. I realize now how awful that sounded, but H has never forgiven me for that...he still brings up that email. He says it was that moment he realized I didnt care about him. BUT..he had alrady met OW at that time...so it was an easy out, even though I was not so nice.

My dad moved out as soon as I found out about OW so I could work on our marriage. That didnt help anything..it was too late.

Another thing was work...I have always been a stay at home mom for my kids, but about 5 years ago, H and I decided I would go back part time. I did just that and have been a sub teacher ever since. In the past year, finances have been harder and I know H has said many times that he is "going to die young" becuase of work and how stressed he is. I knew it was time for me to work full time, so I started looking. This was something else he resented..that i got to stay home with kids even though that was our ultimate plan. He brings that up too...that I racked up debt but didnt work to pay it....

Lastly, he is very, very depressed and has been since I met him. H have VERY low self esteem, always needed me to validate him and even would ask once in awhile if I was gonna leave him. He has been in and out of counseling all his life. He was abused physically and mentally by his parents and they have never liked me for taking their "baby" away out of college. THey dont really believe in his mental illness and that doesnt help because they dont see him as sick and needing help. They validate that Im the problem.

I look back now and see that H needed a lot more affirmation that I gave him, although everyone else (family and friends) say that is all I did was try to pick him up all the time when he was down. I did spend a lot of my life walking on eggshells because of his depression and anger. Earlier years were much worse than the later years. I feel like I never pressured him to do anything around the house and he golfed every weekend from March to Nov because he needed it for his mental state. He took 2 trips a year without me on golf vacations with friends and we took no vacations except for our yearly beach trip. We did visit Disney when the kids were younger. I alway resented him for that ..he would spend hours on the computer making golf trips but never a trip for us. It hurt and I expressed that , but always thought..he needed these trips for his sanity.

I will say, that when my dad moved in, his doc took him OFF the anti anxiety med and Im not sure why. H has been switched around since then and even though he is on meds now (if he is taking them) Im not sure they are right. I have known him for 18 years and know what works and what doesnt. I know that his meds arent making him do these things, but I just think that it doesnt help. His meds also made his libido very low and he was self conscious about that for sure. That is one of the reasons he started questioning his meds. He also ALWAYS had an ache or pain...kinda a complainer about that. Kids would even tease him about it becuase it was so bad.

I know that there are many things that I attributed to and I am working within myself to see where I went wrong. I just never saw this happening to us. We really were happy for so long...even as current as New years and Valentines. It just seems like as soon as OW came into picture, he gave up and was gone...telling me that he loved her and it wasnt a fantasy at all.

As I have said before...he did come back a few times saying how sorry he was and that he was being selfish, but he never gave her up completely and that is why it wasnt working each time he came back. He also had stopped taking his meds (I thought for his libido). He has broken it off with her numerous times, as she has he...especially when she found out that he was still wanting to come home and then I was pregnant. I do not know if they are seeing each other now...although I suspect they are.

I know that I do play a part...but his depression has really played a huge part in our whole relationship. He has been so angry at his parents like he is me now so many times in our marriage and now they are his best friends (they are toxic..I promise) and now Im the enemy. I would have done anything to help him through this...but now he has OW to help him and she gave him "complete unselfish and unconditional love" as she wrote in a text to him that he forwarded to me when he was being transparent. (that only lasted so long)

I feel like I dont have hope. I just feel like he is gone and he really believes that there are better things out there for him. He is willing to sacrifice our marriage and all that we have together. His children were everything to him and now a new one is coming that he will barely know:( I just dont see how the OW is worth all of this.

One last thought for now...he never had ANY relationships besides me except for one and it was just sleeping together..no relationship. I wonder a lot if he feels like he missed out on all of that sleeping around and fun that he didnt get as a kid. Now, he wants it all at 36 when he has a family obligation. I know that he did resent his parents for not letting him have friends and hang out when he was a teenager. Now my kids and I may be paying for it, as he is totally not the man I knew. I just can never tell you how involved with ME and the KIDS he was. We were his everything....he always told us and wrote it to me.

I will never understand...and feel like the pain will never go away...as much as I want to change those things he craved, like giving him more attention, and getting a full time job to relieve some of his stress, I just feel like now its too late and I will never get the chance to show him because he is so distant to me. We dont even talk:( When he first left, we at least talked..now we dont:(

[Sweetbriar]

Morning update...was awakened by my phone receiving a text. Was totally surprised to see H's name pop up. He texted:

"Just seeing how you are feeling"

I don't want to read into it at all...but I cannot help but to think that he must think about me sometimes...not sure if he really cares how I'm feeling or if he feels obligated to ask because I'm pregnant, although he hasn't been asking the whole pregnancy. I just saw him on Wed.

I responded an hour later:

"Pregnant!"

and then H asked if he could take D11 to movies this afternoon. Of course, I never keep him from the kids, but we are busy today, and overnight, so I just responded:

"We are busy tonight, but would tomorrow work?" and he responded "yes". I just left it. I figure he will contact me tomorrow regarding a time and details. Funny, he didn't contact D11 and ask if she wanted to go so that was a change...he usually asks the kids first, makes plans and then asks me. I like that he asks me first, so that if they cannot go, it doesn't get their hopes up!

I had to do a little work today to prepare for the storm coming! I'm in VA so we aren't supposed to get more than rain and heavy winds, but I had to head out and take down my gazebo and these are things I would have had H do...especially since I'm pregnant! Climbing up and down a ladder isn't ideal, but I did it:)

Weekends are the hardest by far to be without H here. It has gotten easier, but I must admit my mind still wanders to what he must be doing to keep busy. His parents how is sooooo boring...he has always hated it there, even when we got for holiday and stay a few hours he was always ready to leave. I'm really surprised he hasn't gotten his own place yet...that must be his next step. I'm thinking he is waiting until our court date on Nov 5th to see what money he will have after having to pay me.

Sad that it has come to court dates and money and sharing kids....

It's still hard to receive any contact from him or any gesture from him (the hug on Wed) and not be affected..I hope this gets better in time...

[Sweetbriar]

I made a HUGE MISTAKE tonight and I am sooo upset about it I can hardly stand it. I went against all DBing and drove by OWs house tonight after H dropped off D11 from movies. The worst part, the kids were in the car....here is the story...

H dropped off D11 and about an hour later we headed out to the store to pick up a few things for the storm. After the trip, I got a wild hair to drive by OWs house to see if H went there after he dropped off D. I have not been sure of him still seeing her, as I have not asked lately. I thought I would just drive by and if I saw his car, I would know. Well...as we drove by, H was walking up to her house and my first instinct was to yell out. I just said "nice, this is where you head after dropping off the kids" and he just froze. The OW was in the doorway and I reminded her that he was married with kids and one on the way...

He walked to car and was furious. Started yelling that he and I were done and there was no "us" anymore. That he was just there to watch the game with her and that he cannot believe that I drove by there with the kids in the car. Well, that is what I regret now, but it wasnt planned and I NEVER thought I would see him face to face. It was bad/perfect timing. The kids started crying and he was just yelling that none of us love him or care about him and that he needs someone who does care about him. He then left, and walked in her house and slammed the door.

I went home shaking. I KNOW I did EVERYTHING WRONG tonight. This escalated once we got home because he texted the kids that he doesnt love me and that his personal relationships are his business. He told them he does love them and that he hopes they dont hate him.

He texted me "you're sick" and I texted back "I hope your happy" and he said "Im not...because of you" and it went on like that for a bit.

Im so upset that I did this tonight. Im beating myself up. He is still with OW and he is happy with her. I cannot believe that he can just go there and know that me and the kids are home preparing for the storm. (she lives like 5 mins from my house) and that he has no guilt about this. He texted D14 that I am to blame for our relationship going bad, not him and that I have given her a front row seat to this. Did he not remember that he was the one who set the standard for front row when he told her he was leaving me. He also told her that he was unhappy long before he met OW. Funny, he never acted like it or mentioned it until he met her.

Now, I feel like I should give up. I just dont know after all he said tonight that I have any chance. Here I sit, pregnant, at home and he is there with OW....happy and Im sure laughing and watching the game. It makes me sick and I cannot stop crying tonight.

I had a tiny idea that he was done with her, and tonight confirmed just the opposite. He also confirmed that he is planning on being with her by sticking up for her. My D14 said that she texted him something about a mLC and he wrote her back that he was just fine and this was a choice he made to be with OW. That kinda says to me that he is totally done and not coming back:(

I am so sad. I need advice...did I totally ruin it all now? It is hard to feel like I want a man back that would walk into her house and close the door on his family....but on the other hand, I do love him and want my marriage back...I just dont think that he will ever change his mind. I have never seen him this adament.

What are the percentages of affairs lasting again? I just dont know if I can handle their relationship lasting....its been since March but they have called if off many times in that time frame. I just dont know if relationships like this, that are affairs and that have endured him coming back to me and back to her can last?

Advice?

[2chiquitos]

Sweetbriar. You and I are way too much alike. It scares me. It's ask if you are me writing a year ago.

[NLW]

Sweet, You are me now. I'm not pregnant but that is the only difference.
I blew up big time at my stbx today after he told me he was bringing OW to our D16's concert tonight. He hasn't told the kids about her yet, was just gonna show up with her.
Sometimes, i think, sitches are just too bad to cope with and the only normal thing is to tell it like it is.
Every time I face one of these nightmarish situations, I think a little part of me (or what used to be me and him) dies, and it gets easier to detach completely.

Try not to cry.
I'm past that now. Just know that he is not a man you could ever realistically be with at the moment.
If he changes, maybe... but that's a long way down the track and you can't stay crying and second-guessing for that long.

We're all with you, hang on in there and be kind to yourself.

(((((())))))

[2chiquitos]

Its a 30some% rate of marriages that reconcile after and affair but leave that alone. Don't think about it. This is about you.

Let me tell you my story. Hopefully you won't feel like the only lunatic! LOL!

Beginning of Sept '11 I was well aware of the affair and H had told me OW wanted nothing to do with him. She was so hurt and upset that she didn't even want to talk to him. All B$! BTW: he had moved out a month before the baby was born in July and had said he had no plans of coming back. His words "I don't want to try and I don't want to give you false hope."

So back to Sept '11. I went to the gym and my friend who works there said, "Girl I am so sick and tired of seeing your man with OW here at the gym." UHHhhh, say what? So I went to the gym later that evening when he teaches a class and yup I saw OW there.

While I was there, H treated me like cr@p. Ignoring me, cold shoulder, etc. I look back now and I realize he was pooping in his pants cuz he knew something was going to happen.

When his class was over, I asked H to help me pick up the kids from the kids klub and put them kids in the car. He was not going to do this, only because I asked. It was his "thing" at the time. To have me do these things on my own cuz he had totally checked out.

Well OW quietly waited at the entrance. I left the gym and quickly returned to get my parking validated and took the opportunity to ask her, "are you still seeing him?" She said, "ask him." This went on for a few min. My 1mos old starting crying and she called H on her cell, "your chick is here." Meanwhile H was putting S4 in the car.

I walked out and saw H running towards the entrance freaking out (WITHOUT S4!!) I said, "where's S4?" He said, "what are you doing (talking to her)?" I ran to the car that was parked on the 3rd floor of the parking structure!! and S4 was sitting in the car patiently waiting. I couldn't freakin believe him! He didn't even follow me to the car!

I drove to his parked car and we were in a shouting match. All the while OW was parked close by listening. AND D1 was crying hysterically! I couldn't see straight. I was determined to let out all my anger on him (AND HER!).

The next day was worse. H text me accidentally saying "having a nice lunch. I love you." I never told him I was having lunch and he was not telling me he loved me! So I sent OW a text. "Sorry about yesterday. H n I are trying to work things out." That was the beginning of a long series of texts between her and I that day that eventually gave me a serious panic attack. I couldn't take care of my kids!

She text me pix of notes he sent her and things they had done together and a bunch of bologna now that I think about it. what bothered her the most was when I said, "I'll always be #1 and your NOT! LOL!" Because it was true. I also said, "H thinks you're emotionally disturbed cuz of all the times your exH beat you" Ohhh that sent her on a tailspin.

God sweetbriar. I forgot about the feeling I had when all that ensued. Your post reminded me of it and as I read it my hands started shaking. I felt it important to share my story for the sake of my recovery.

Please read carefully what I'm going to tell you. BACK THE F&CK %FF! Yes you made a huge mistake. Yes you pushed him away. Yes you looked like a crazy psycho exW.

However you have the gift of time. That means you can go back to DB tonite. Send out a simple apology or none and stay absolutely quiet for a while. A good while. You know your H better than OW, that's what you've forgotten. You have the upper hand here.

Unfortunately you just gave H & OW more fuel to talk bad about you. BUT BUT BUT that talk can only last so long. After a while it gets old and you are yourself again and she's just a replacement he found. You need to build up your self esteem cuz this sitch can tear it apart.

Love yourself. Don't put yourself in situations that are going to give you a quick rush. (ie snooping!) That will come crashing down.

Also, your kids are not going to forget the night my mom drove past OWs house and saw dad walking up to her door. You need to be Sweetbriar and not crazy psycho exH. She's in there. You need to go and find her. She needs to feel loved, appreciated, sexy, smart, all that good stuff.

I know you will be ok! big hugs from LA ;-)

[Soul.Searching]

The DR book says to try not to worry if you fall of the DB wagon. To quickly pick yourself up and keep DBing.
Being pregnant can be a hugly emotional time in itself, without having all this on your plate too.
Try not to beat yourself up. We all make mistakes, nobody's perfect.