Keep breathing...

[mamabird]

How sad that this is "normal" in our marriages. I grew so accustomed to feeling alienated from my H that I lost sight of the fact that there could be another way to be in a relationship. OM2 was very sweet with me, in a way that I hadn't really experienced before, and against the stark backdrop of my M, it stood out even more than it should have - and it brought my own emptiness into the light.

Anyway. Sure, it's all going fine. Today we spent the day at S8's soccer tournament. Nothing much to report. We did go out to dinner as a family for the first time in months, which was pleasant. But I don't feel H coming any closer to me, or even wanting to. He's just soaking it all up and giving nothing back.

After all, it's nice to have someone else cooking for you, cleaning for you, doing your laundry and minding your children... and then rubbing your back at night. If I'm going to be a maid and massage therapist, at least I could get paid for it! Think about it - he's now got this arrangement where he is completely taken care of, but has engineered a loophole whereby he is not committed in any way, shape or form. Sometimes I really have to ask myself what I am doing.

This past week he has showed zero gratitude. Last week was better - I felt like he was trying a lot harder. The sad thing is, I feel like we are almost back to where we were pre-bomb, and now I'm realizing how shitty the status quo really is/was. Yes, there's less anger, but he is as emotionally distant as ever. Of course, directly pre-bomb, things weren't very good at all.

We're on ok footing logistically, and it doesn't feel like he's still immediately considering D, but it all feels so empty. This is no way to live. At least when we were yelling at each other all the time, one could see the emotion flowing back and forth. Now, he barely looks away from the TV when I talk to him, he barely waits for me when we are walking, he barely manages to stay at the table while I finish my dinner. It is all out of effort and none of it is out of desire to do so.

On a positive note, he did trust me with his phone today. We were waiting for a friend to text us and he handed me the phone and told me to look for the text while he was driving. I didn't snoop. I had another couple chances earlier in the weekend and decided it wasn't worth it. But how classic would it have been if POW or one of my crappy ex-friends had decided to text him while he was driving and I was holding his phone? I wish it had happened.

Now that I've got somewhat of a financial plan, I'm going to focus on organizing my home - something I should have been doing this summer while I wasn't working. Instead I was living in exile licking my wounds (but doing a lot of good internal work). Also focusing on making my energy more available and attracting good things into my life.