JamesH don't do the R talk with her try to stay away from it as much as possible she is in a stage that she is confused and you are not in a strong confident position to have the conversation---you will though. I know this is hard but you have to detach....Try to redirect that energy somewhere else...start doing more with your kids...play with them more take them places..And this is hard and I slip time to time but try to be present with them
Right. Every time you talk about the R it only reminds her of her feelings of not being in love. Don't bring it up, don't try to "take her temperature" to see where she stands. She already told you, discussing it more will not help because you cannot convince her to change how she feels! (I know because I tried, lol)
If she brings up leaving or divorcing, just listen and say you understand why she feels that way. That you now understand your part in this and are working on yourself. Tell her you don't want her to leave, but that if she does you understand and will not try to stop her. This was important for my wife to hear, because it took off much of the pressure from me to make her stay. 7 months later she is still here, and doesn't appear to want out anymore.
Then just go about your life and being the new you. Concentrate on yourself and your kids. Don't hang on her looking for affirmations of love. Instead, give her plenty of space and time alone. She will notice your changes, and may at some point tell you it's "Too little, too late". Don't let this hinder your progress, just press on knowing it will take some time for her to fall back in love. The good news is that she can. (and even said she was trying to, which is a good sign)
Oh, and keep your family(s) out of all this! Getting them involved also won't help.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
today was a hard day. after last night, wife decided to bring up all kinds of stuff today regarding logistics of separating and I got the ILYBINILWY line.
she got very upset though and kept apologizing. said she felt that there was now too much emotional distance between us and we can't recover.
I don't believe that is the case though! I am 100% sure I can turn this around with 180 ing etc. she has already noticed a lot of changes I can tell. she just thinks its too late as you said she would.
the good news is that she doesn't want to consider any kind of split until at least after Christmas. this gives me some good time to continue working.
I did make the mistake of getting visibly emotional today though. tried not too but it was so hard. learned my lesson today not to get involved in R conversations!
thanks for all the support. feels good to know there are like minded people out there.
the good news is that she doesn't want to consider any kind of split until at least after Christmas. this gives me some good time to continue working.
This means she doesn't have an exit plan in place, and is comfortable enough in your home. My wife said the same thing... came up with several different milestones for when she would look for her own place/leave, some of which have already passed. She hasn't mentioned anything about it for quite a while now.
Like you noted, giving you a schedule means time is on your side.
You offer her security and comfort that she would no longer have if she left. As long as you don't do things that would push her away, (beg, plead, try to convince, argue, or GUILT her) chances are good she's not going anywhere for awhile, if ever.
Remember: Act "As if" everything is ok. I did this so well that after a couple of weeks of it my wife actually said to me that we can't go on like nothing is wrong! I told her I understand how she feels, and that she wants to leave. It's not what I want I said, but if you leave I understand. Validate and don't try to hold on to her, that will only make her pull away harder.
Give her plenty of space, keep up with the DB'ing, and read / reread the book.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I keep reading multiple articles on the web stating that I need to get the alpha male thing working for me again.
anyone tried or have an opinion on this stuff?
there are lots of promises for $200!!!
Were you overly Beta in your marriage? If not, then no. Being more Alpha will not help. If yes, then just gradually try to step up the the plate. You're in no position to take the reins now!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
I keep reading multiple articles on the web stating that I need to get the alpha male thing working for me again.
anyone tried or have an opinion on this stuff?
there are lots of promises for $200!!!
Were you overly Beta in your marriage? If not, then no. Being more Alpha will not help. If yes, then just gradually try to step up the the plate. You're in no position to take the reins now!
overly beta! wife can be very domineering and intimidating.....used to take the "quiet life" option way too much!
now starting to rectify that a little but without making too many waves.
overly beta! wife can be very domineering and intimidating.....used to take the "quiet life" option way too much!
now starting to rectify that a little but without making too many waves.
Try to imagine a milk toast H (not saying that you are) paying his $200 and then going home to lay down the law and tell W how it's going to be. Ah-huh... Made me laugh too. Save your money. Learning how to be more assertive may help you though... it did me.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
