So let's see. Things were going great then yesterday I called H and just tore into him. Basically, I was feeling extremely overwhelmed. It was the kids. My anger is a big big issue. For 3 days they had really just ignored me and acted out. It was constant. Of course, my way of coping, take it out on him. Not a good thing. I do realize this is a known and recognized coping mechanism. Albeit not a good one. Then of course here I am having to apologize again. This is my pattern. And it's awful. Not just for me but for everyone around me.
H came over and stayed while I got ready to go to the show. He kept looking at me weird. Can't explain it. I did apologize. A heartfelt apology. At one point, I said, the stupidest part of all of this is that we still love and care about one another. He did not confirm nor deny. Although, his body language and the way he looked said he knew I was right. I guess the crux of this, is indeed my anger.
In a nutshell, it was agreed at some point to get together so I can basically tell him my issues. I hope I can explain this succinctly. In the past, I have harbored many resentments and anger. They tend to come bubbling out when I am overwhelmed. This makes it even more hurtful as things get said in anger. Especially because often he didn't even realize I was upset about something. Or when I said something it was indirectly. An example- He would go with his friends 4 wheeling on holidays like memorial day. I would stay home and keep the kids. I felt like 1. he didn't want to be with me. 2. I was just the babysitter. 3. I got all the work and no fun. So then I would complain that he was gone all weekend. He would think my issue was just the time or amount of time he was gone. When in fact, it was much much much more than that. It made me feel rejected and lonely. Also the other things. Like it was up to me to do all the work. I never said this. If I had, perhaps the outcome would be different.
He and I both recognize my need to basically say these things. Not for blaming or to make him feel guilty but to deal with it. Move past it. So it doesn't come spewing out in a heated exchange. So that I can get it all out and move past it. Forgive. In the truest sense of the word. Forgive him for doing those things. Forgive myself for not standing up and saying something. For handling things wrong, for allowing myself to feel disrespected and devalued.
Not sure if any of this is making any sense to anyone. However, these issues, are in fact at the core of our problems. I am getting a sense that his moving out and isolation is a way to remove himself from my anger and outbursts. Protecting himself. It's not that there are no feelings left. Not that at all. Just that by stopping contact he protects himself. I also think that is why he is so adverse to touch of any kind from me. Even a hand shake. Ain't happening. My guess is that touch causes too many feelings that he is trying to shut down. Ironically, he will touch me but not allow me to touch him back or initiate it. For example, he rubbed my shoulders last night because they were bothering me. This isn't something new. I carry all my tension there and for years he has rubbed them. However if I try to touch him even on the arm he will pull away. That's pretty scary and something I am having a hard time coming to terms with. Especially considering his LL is touch. Not sure how to interpret this.
I was reading Tori's sitch and I do feel like I need to make a comment. One of the topics was intimacy and sex with WAS. First let me say that every relationship is very very different. However, mine and H, sex would be a definite plus during separation. I don't necessarily agree with some others that it is cake eating or out of the question. For us, it was always a way to communicate when perhaps we couldn't any other way. It was a way to feel needed, loved, and wanted. Now, I am not saying for all you guys to go jump in bed with WAS. I am just saying not to accept something as right for your R just because it is what is advised here. I hope that makes sense? At the same time, it would have to come naturally and not forced. Also, of course depends on your spouse. I really hope I didn't just confuse anyone further. Another thing to consider is just because you have sex doesn't mean that you are on the way back. Likely that is far from true. However, it can be used as a means to communicate when perhaps other things aren't working.
Incidentally, while this is going to sound strange, I have noticed my sex drive coming back. I guess it is as some of the anger is starting to leave. Ironic. Now I actually am open to the possibility and H is gone. Sigh.
I think he is coming over one day this week while the kids are gone. He may not. Who knows? Time will tell. No expectations, right? In the meantime, I am trying to sort through my thoughts and feelings so that I can express them in the least damaging manner possible.
