Kicking a$$ and taking names!

[reachingHigher]

Snodderly, as usual I read your post again and again. Ill trust this L. I'll keep the boundaries. I'll work through the grief as it comes in waves.

MissA, GB, tvs, thanks you!! I needed the encouragement!!

Journaling:

Poor H.

H got back from vacation yesterday and S19 contacted him and drove to his place yesterday evening for a 3 1/2 hour heart-to-heart convo. I highly respect S19 for doing this.

S19 told me about it late last night when he got home. H did much of the talking and much crying, some bitterly. Same stuff I've heard from H.

It was interesting that S19 observed "he has rewritten family history", being that I've never verbalized that term. S19 was 4 years old when H & I married so he has a different perspective on our history than a child born after wedlock.

Also, H said he's "never tried Christianity" which I found quite odd, being we were fundamentalists for a while. It's more like he's tried "churchianity".

H mostly talked about looking for passion in life. Tried to find it with me but couldn't. Wants to find it with somebody else.

S19 talked about how H has always taught him to accept responsibility and do the right thing even if your feelings are otherwise! It's the way to be a real man. This is where H cried bitterly.

S19 also talked about the impact of divorce and moving from his childhood home -- impacts for S12. S19 said since he is already in college and will be "moving on" in a few years, the impact for him is much less. He compared our lives to H's life as a boy and asked how H would have felt.

S19 is quite the young man. I'm dam proud of him!

S19 said he doesn't think H has changed his mind but has a lot to think about.

I've been moping and dreading this week. S12 turns 13 tomorrow and it will be our first family holiday with new boundaries in place for me. Instead of our usual family routine celebrations (balloons, cake, special meal, presents, family day), there will be an awkward something else. Followed by divorce filing this week if all goes well.

I'm numb.

I'm feeling less of a failure. Just super-weak.

I also noticed that H had plans on vacation for himself that he didn't do at all (journaling working out, beach time alone). Just partied. I mean splitting a BOTTLE of rum? Again and again?

H also has had plans for his "new life" he hasn't done at all. Never has ridden his mountain bike since he moved out. No journaling, extra gym workouts, etc. Just parties. And drinks.