Husband (unfaithful) just told me he wants out.

[25yearsmlc]

25yearsmlc you make a ton of sense. I hope I can get to the place of strength and wisdom that you have.

You bring up some tough points. The hardest thing to look at in me is what might have caused him to go the other way and have an affair.

yes it IS the hardest part, but we all have to do it, or repeat behaviors that get us into sad bad places.

I would guess that it's the same part I play in our arguments - not letting things go, being moody oftentimes and tiring him out when we do argue. And then, not forgiving him or even trying to - holding onto that anger and betrayal like a familiar sweater. And not really listening when he's angry sometimes, trying to get through to me. It's like I say something he doesn't like, he gets angry and then I defend myself or get angry back.

You CAN change these^^^ behaviors, you know? Seriously...you CAN.



I also feel like sometimes he doesn't fight fair, and will say hurtful things to get me to stop talking. At times, even me explaining a point or when I express a dislike with something is cause for him to blow up. Which only makes me more inclined to be heard, and so the cycle continues.

change the parts of this YOU CAN CHANGE and let go of the rest. Chances are, his behavior will change WHEN he trusts that your new behaviors are genuinely going to last.

"small consistent changes + sufficient time= change He can believe in."

Don't keep score. For one thing, every change you've mentioned needing to make, DO NEED TO BE MADE regardless of what HE does...

they're behaviors that aren't helping YOU....do you get that? It's not about being "right", it's about being happy and loving.


I agree I need to make many changes, and I can't control him or his actions. I just don't know where to start.

Either attend a workshop like "Essential Experience" (check out their website. They're on the east coast MOSTLY but there used to be some here in California. It will change YOUR LIFE and is NOT for couples. It's for individuals

. Personal growth, personal work...and that makes an individual a better person
which makes them a better partner/parent, friend...b/c it's not "For couples" you don't have to have your h with you AND the workshop is less inhibiting b/c he won't be there to "judge" you. NO one will, it's a safe environment for you to identify what YOU want to change in YOUR LIFE and to come up with an action plan for doing so.

There are other workshops but some are better than others and some spend time "recruiting" too much. I'd avoid those...

If you go to something as a COUPLE, go to "Retrovaille" but I suspect it may be hard for you to get him to go to it anytime soon. SO get yourself to something YOU can control, like a workshop for individuals.


As we've mostly avoided each other this week, there hasn't been much conflict, but there's also no resolution. Every hot topic that comes up (the truck yesterday, for one) is a land mine.I don't know how to work around that dynamic and speak peacefully without feeling like I can't disagree with something and make him mad.

you both need tools for conflict resolution. Are you able to envision what conflict resolution looks like? I mean, wihtout one of you surrendering to the other, what does MUTUALLY working something out, look like?

If you can't see it, it won't happen.


This morning I woke up and was really angry with him.

think about that^^^^ statement. You WOKE UP angry at him...and then looked for a reason to justify the mood you were in. That's not his fault. You need to just stop that. Go out for a walk if you have to, or go back to bed and dream something NICE about him.


I felt like he's behaving in a way that's so completely childish, with seemingly no interest in me or us -

does your opinion of what he's thinking/feeling/planning, help anything? You're mind reading, and it's nearly all negative.


yet here I've just been, quiet and calm and (mostly pleasant, anyway) hoping to work out this marriage.

What's with "hoping to work" on the marriage? Just do your part. You're in charge of that, not him. No need to "hope" for it, just do it.


I felt like just saying I've had enough and that as far as I'm concerned, he should leave and enjoy his life, because this is ridiculous. I even thought about helping him by giving him money toward his new place. I feel like he's yanked his love from me so many times to punish me, or to get me to see his point, or whatever - and used our dogs as "his" and threatened to take them when he leaves, stonewalling, etc. - that a part of me is over it. I'm thinking why in the world am I putting up with this from someone who says he wants to move out anyway?

You're venting....okay....

I'm not a victim, and I have a part in this, but if he comes back, do I just get to go through this again the next time he decides he's going to punish me?


of course not. Why would you repeat the same behaviors and expect a different result?

You need to get MORE TOOLS for communicating and for relating to each other, so avail yourself of the MANY resources here and around the community you're in.

As for the saving, he did agree to a certain amount each week (a figure he chose). As I started saving, he didn't. If I asked him about it, he'd get mad and ask what exact bills I was paying, and that we should "split every bill and the rent in half". Then I'd get angry because I also pay for groceries, gas, and most items he wants, because I tend to save. I've never kept score in that respect.

The paragraph before that last sentence is ALL about score keeping. See it, and stop it.

But it's like he's bitter at having to pay rent. I don't know, maybe he's right and we should split everything down the middle.

To ME, I've never really understood why "couples" keep everything separate like they are roomates...I mean, Why don't you pool things like most married couples? I know couples with kids from prior marriages may have reasons but even they pool SOME money...

Just Sounds like a LOT OF Measuring and score keeping and NOT a lot of teamwork. And clearly he resents it and so do you. So it's not even working well for you.


I just feel like I try to give him anything he could want when he asks, but he's still holding me to every cent that goes out, what he pays vs what I pay monthly. I feel as though I've been very generous in every way.

As objectively as possible, explain how you've "been very generous in every way"....not sure I know anyone who is "very" generous in "every" way...but if you are, then can you describe what that means to you

(or is it possible you are viewing yourself thru the viewpoint of someone who feels defensive and hurt right now? I get how that can happen of course.)


We are both on each other's bank account, but he's usually overdrawn so I always say, just use the other account. But I feel like sometimes if I need something, I have to rely on myself 100% of the time. This is why I got on his case about spending, because I've been asking for years and it just seems to incense him.


any time you've been "asking" or "doing" anything "for years" - it's NOT working.

Change your approach or let it keep happening. Those are your options.

Yes that^^ is the reality. You only change YOU

so you either change the behavior [b]you've "been doing for years" OR You accept the results of this unhealthy interaction. That's it.

Not easy but not complicated either.
[/b]

I'm sure none of this is DBing behavior. I just don't know how to do all of it at once.

no one expects you to do it "All at once". Do some of it every day, and avoid doing a few of these behaviors TOTALLY

b/c you cannot keep harming the r as you've been doing. Don't lose your temper with him again. Seriously...LEAVE the room or apartment if you feel the anger boiling over.

Losing your temper and showing him your anger does NOT help your m at all. IT hurts it. You really need to see that...

Leave the area if you have to (OR talk to your doctor about getting on some anti depressants for anger or some anti anxiety pills====not b/c I am "precribing" them but b/c you are, if I recall right, about 40 y/o & these behaviors are very harmful in your life

yet you seem unable to change them at all right now.Just something to consider if you literally "wake up angry".


I'm working as best I can to do 180 - I'm leaving here in about an hour to take some space for myself and see some friends and stay busy, as I've been doing each day.

Good job^^^.

I've been only pleasant to him today so far and haven't brought up the truck or him leaving. I'm behaving as if it's ok with me that he goes. Past that, I don't have a lot of answers. Thank you for everything you said, I know it's true and you're right.

Are you in counselling? (Don't feel shame about that. Almost all of us were and or are now) You need to talk to someone and see someone professional to get the TOOLS you need to change your behavior and your life.

It really does help. I think it's all helpful but in reality I do think workshops are more efficient b/c you can work on an issue OR a behavior for long enough to work through something

whereas w/once a week counselling, even when it's good, you often have to return to work or get the kids and it interrupts the insight or break through you might be having.

When I went to Essential Experience (for issues not related to the marriage for the most part)

my h said when I stepped off the plane he saw a difference in me . It lasted- and made such an impresion on him that a few weeks later he signed up to go himself.

It helped our marriage a lot. Never felt closer to him.

Retrovaille was also great for us although at a very different time and in very different circumstances...

check them out. You're NOT helpless in this and neither is he.

Avail yourself of the resources around b/c there's no reason for you and your h to let the marriage "just fall apart" and both of you to keep fighting so unhealthily and not learn from it

and then what? If you never learn to fix these habits, you're both bound to repeat them....seriously. Think about how crazy that is.

You can change your life and yourself NO MATTER WHAT HE DOES or chooses.

he's NOT relevant to the changes you are making. Do you see that?

They're for you and for your future, with or without him.

Make sense?