On 10/10/10

[tadpole1025]

Babbling....

Pretty emotional night tonight.

I realized something about myself. I'm either not as far along as I thought or I took a step back.

XW came today and picked up S19 to take him to lunch for his birthday. He turns 20 tomorrow. When they returned, S19 told me that "she talked about you a lot." He said she would just pop me into conversation. He said she asked how I was doing and if I was still seeing my lady friend. I am not by the way. He said that she talked about me just as much as OM and her wedding. He also said that she admitted to hardly ever talking about herself to other people. S19 said he got the feeling that it was because she was ashamed. She told him that she was going to send me a "happy birthday text" on Thursday, but decided against it because she didn't want to ruin my day. S19 told her that it could have had a double effect where it made my day worse but also made it better. She agreed. Why in the Hell would she want to say happy birthday to me? She didn't want to or do so last year or the year before.

She also told him that she cares about me a lot. Well maybe, but I don't believe you do what she did to someone you care about. But.....if she doesn't care, she shouldn't want to be my friend. See the confusion? I think I may be just as messed up as the MLCer.

The emotional part for me:

She told him again that she wants to be my friend. I don't get this. Why?????????? She has spent the last 2 years believing that I am the devil. I just don't understand how she would want to be a friend even with OM in the picture. Damn. If I "hurt her to the core", why would she want to be my friend? I've asked these questions a hundred times and still don't understand. She told him that it is normal for people in our situation to be friends. I'm sorry but I probably know about 20 divorced couples and only two of them are "friendly." Not "friends" but "friendly."

Now the tough part:

I'm not sure that I can be her friend without it causing me to have some sort of hope. I just don't think it is possible. Plus, to me, being her friend tells her that what she did is ok. However, if I do decide to stand for my marriage and hope to reconcile, that isn't even possible without a friendship. I just don't know what to do.

I asked S19 if he wanted us to be friends and he said "I want you guys back together." Well, that isn't happening unless I do decide to be her friend. I really don't know what I want. I think I could forgive her in time, but not sure if I can be a friend without having some sort of hope.

I just don't know.

I guess the question isn't "can I be her friend" but "do I want my marriage restored." I just don't understand the "friends" thing with the MLCer.

I'm just at a loss right now. Not only do I have to decide if I want to be her friend, but I need to make a decision before she gets married next Summer. I feel like I am wearing a watch that says:

08 Months 00 Days 00 Hours 00 Minutes 00 Seconds

It is like a bomb just waiting for all of the columns to go to 00. It's ticking and there is no stopping it. Every day it gets closer and closer.

Sorry for rambling. I'm just trying to be honest with my feelings. I like to write this stuff down. It helps in a way.

Can anyone explain the friends thing in any more detail?

Looks like I have much more thinking to do.

Tad