Together Separate II

[mizjjd]

Howdy.

First thread begins here
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2293527&page=1

My last comment of that thread is below

Hey Agnes and TJP,

thanks for stopping by! I just visited your threads as well.

TJP I hope you are still in as good a "place" as your last post indicated.

Agnes, I hear you on the "looking forward" comment. Lol. I have found H's absence to be a mixed bag, some things are easier, some things more difficult.

Still no contact, but I know he has checked his email (I didn't send him anything but because I can "check" his email, I know he has read his current messages) so I presume he's still alive. His eta is tomorrow before football. We will see, I'm still not betting on that.

Planning on a "tidy up" day for today. Looking forward to having a more orderly surrounding, perhaps it will rub off on my brain! I'm thinking bubble bath tonight... haven't had one in I-don't-know-how-long. Hoping I hear Monday that I got the job I interviewed for on Wed, that would be SUCH A GIFT for the GAL effort!

The kids are busy this weekend with work. Had a sweet moment this morning when I dropped S16 off for his job at McD's - he ran across the parking lot to hold the door for an elderly lady

[mizjjd]

I have started a new thread "Together Separate II"

its here

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2293642#Post2293642

[mizjjd]

Ok, posted the above on the wrong post. Please disregard.

[uRworthy]

Mrs, you are sounding good. I know it's hard to not think about where h is or what he's doing.

I know it is hard to rememeber that his journey isnt about you. The thing of it is that he knows something is wrong. Cant figure out what. So he begins to cut out the person closest to him.

We know that isnt going to fix it. Next he will try something else. All in the hope of feeling better. But it is not until or unless he looks inside that his healing will begin.

Nothing you can do to help him. He's got to figure it out on his own.

So, how about that bucket list? Come up with anything yet?

[mizjjd]

Mrs, you are sounding good. I know it's hard to not think about where h is or what he's doing.

Thanks for the "gold star"!

I know it is hard to rememeber that his journey isnt about you. The thing of it is that he knows something is wrong. Cant figure out what. So he begins to cut out the person closest to him.

I SO GET this. I liken it to a wounded animal. (I have a big time animal background, so that's my point of reference for a lot) If you approach a wounded animal, even the family pet, YOU ARE LIKELY TO GET BITTEN. (And yes, I have thought of turning the hose on H )

We know that isnt going to fix it. Next he will try something else. All in the hope of feeling better. But it is not until or unless he looks inside that his healing will begin.

Nothing you can do to help him. He's got to figure it out on his own.

Question for you, oh wise one.

Is it possible H is having either 2, or 2nd part of the same, MLC? Because he had a PA 14 years ago and gave the gamut of MLC behavior THEN. And then, after about 2 - 3 years became gradually "ok". But diminished as a H, and as a person too. Less affection, less joy, more anger, more bitterness.

Now, I discover an online EA and HERE WE GO AGAIN.

Did he not get sorted out the first time? He has a lot of issues. A LOT. He does try from time to time to "look inside". He has sought counseling from our former pastor. Who then got transfered within a couple months of H first reaching out. And the new pastor... yeah, that's not happening. I know I can't sort him out. I don't think he can sort himself out. (His method is to compartmentalize and gee, How's that working for ya'?) This second go round has put me in the position of deciding whether or not he is too damaged to continue a M with.

I see all these mentions on DB "if my spouse had cancer I wouldn't walk away..." But this isn't cancer. Its pain, a lot of pain for H and quite a bit for me and the kids. And if me staying/standing doesn't HELP him, and HURTS me... well what's the good in that? Not that I would say "See ya' sucker". No, I want to do what's loving and right (ever present eyes of the children on me, and that's their dad)

Your thoughts please and thank you.

So, how about that bucket list? Come up with anything yet?

Yes.
I'm taking a bubble bath tonight. But not in a bucket

[mizjjd]

Oh, and UrWorthy, could you check out a newbie, TJP? She's in newcomers and posted a couple times on my first thread... I think she could use some input from, as you call yourself, "an oldtimer".

Cheers!

[uRworthy]

Hey M, I like your sense of humor!

Dont know about being wise, but, I have been in this rodoe quite awhile. LOL!

And yes, it is absolutely possible that your h did not complete his crisis the first time and is back in the tunnel.

And I understand completely about whether or not you should stand and for how long.

This is what I felt. I loved my h. Unconditionally. The MLC didnt give him a free pass. He was still responsible for his actions. But, in my mind, if I loved him, then a couple of things were true for me.

I loved him enough that I wanted to know that I left no stone unturned in trying to save my marriage. I knew that for me I needed to feel that I did everything I could.

And I loved him enough to let him go to walk his path. I promised myself to do no harm. I also promised that I would do nothing to harm the relationship between him and our child.

I can see in you a person of substance. And you will know you are ready to no longer stand. You will not have a doubt in your mind.

I will try to check out TJP. I am working three jobs at the moment (my finances are a still a mess from all this) so I dont always have a lot of time to post.

[mizjjd]

I loved him enough that I wanted to know that I left no stone unturned in trying to save my marriage. I knew that for me I needed to feel that I did everything I could.

And I loved him enough to let him go to walk his path. I promised myself to do no harm. I also promised that I would do nothing to harm the relationship between him and our child.

I can see in you a person of substance. And you will know you are ready to no longer stand. You will not have a doubt in your mind.

Thanks for that. It resonated for me.

Could you sum up your sitch? Cause you're all mysterious

3 jobs? I can't even get 1!

[mizjjd]

From TJP

Thanks for the advice. I guess I feel like I haven't been in this forum long enough to give anyone advice.

I have told my girls life isn't fair. Don't really need to, they are old enough to know. They both have had some hard times. They are both really smart girls and I'm so grateful they are older and not little.

. They were there when I found out about the OW. We kind of found out together. My YD was in the hotel room with us. My OD was in the other hotel room and was informed by her sister when she returned to their room. What a way to start what was supposed to be the "vacation of a lifetime"!

I have been making the changes for me and my girls. I just wish H would be around long enough to notice. I'm sure he's noticing that I haven't emailed in a week. That's not what I used to do. I don't plan on emailing either. I don't think our Ds are either. I hope this smacks him in the face. None of his girls talking to him.

I have always told the girls that their relationship with their Dad is theirs, not mine. I don't tell them what to do. But, when they ask, I'll give my advice. Since they are older, they pretty much make up their own minds. They see what's going on. My YD who lives at home, talks to the OD and keeps her up on what's going on. I'm glad they have each other.

I do have another friend that knows everything. Luckily, she and I work in the same classroom. She understands more of what I'm going thru. Her H walked out on her and little girl for a year. He came back. My other friends care, but they just don't understand how it feels. That's why I have gotten so much out of coming here and reading. I don't feel as alone. There are so many out there that understand what I'm going thru, for the most part.

I like what you're doing with your thoughts on the holidays. I have had Christmas in the back of my mind. Usually I would have bought at least one present by now. I haven't really thought about it. Supposedly H is going to be in town for thanksgiving. When it gets closer, I'll ask the girls what they want to do. If they want to invite him to come to the house, it will be fine with me. I still can't believe I say stuff like that!!! Invite my own husband to our house!! My birthday is a couple days after thanksgiving. I'm not sure how that's going to go.

I'm glad you got to see your S play football. I have sat MANY cold nights and weekends at football fields watching the marching band and color guard. I have been to everything and am glad I haven't missed a moment. I have even chaperoned several out of town trips. These are the things that mean the most to our kids. I know they will remember all that I do for them and with them. It's really sad that YD will remember this fall season. I hope he comes to his senses by winter season. Senior year only happens once.

I really hope you do find some things to do for yourself while your H is away. Maybe he'll be able to find some time to think about you and miss you. :o)
_________________________
Me 43
H 44
T28
M22
Discovered affair 7/3/12
While on vacation with Ds & H
H returned to US 8/22/12
Never came home, travels a lot
Ds 17 & 20

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[mizjjd]

I have told my girls life isn't fair. Don't really need to, they are old enough to know. They both have had some hard times. They are both really smart girls and I'm so grateful they are older and not little.

Yeah, that whole "fair" thing didn't come out right for me. My boys were rushing me. I didn't mean it to pertain to your kids, I just meant it to pertain to the whole rotten sitch.

LBS's can spend a lot of time soul searching for "why". And sometimes there isn't a clear answer to "why". Sometimes it just is what it is. (Especially for MLC - which I don't know if it applies to your sitch or not.) But when there's not an obvious "why", too much time can be spent stewing over minute details of the sitch because we think WE MUST FIND THE REASON. A "reason" will make us "understand", and make the whole sitch more rational, more fair. But its not fair. And we can't really expect it to BE fair.

That's what I meant to say before - it doesn't really pertain to your kids, I was just thinking about how kids will complain "Its not fair!" And parents will often answer "Life's not fair". So now we have to opportunity to show our kids how we deal with a life that has turned so terribly "not fair".

I'm glad you have an "on site" friend who has some experience with this whole awful thing. That helps a lot. You definitely are NOT alone, this happens way way too much, but often it is hidden, not talked about.

Maybe he'll be able to find some time to think about you and miss you. :o)

Mmmmmmm ..... thank you T. But this is what I CAN'T EXPECT. It would be nice sure. But its very unlikely - so extremely unlikely, and expecting it even a tiny tiny bit would open me up for more hurt.

Keep reading! Work to heal yourself 1st! It will get better, just not nearly fast enough.