Yes, MKB, get your mind off things, and decide on an hour of the day to think about your next steps. If you decide to end your M, you will be afraid, and for what I've heard, the person who initiated D always wonders if he did the right thing. This is one of the reasons I told my H he had to be the one to file, even when I felt I could not recover from the A. If you decide to continue waiting and trying to fix things, you will still be afraid of making the wrong decision. I know it's tough. Your will feel one way one day and a different way on another day. This is why it's so important to give yourself plenty of time.
What was your H's attitude when he told you about his new A? Was he embarrased/regretful or did he seem to not care? Did he say he was sorry? What is his attitude now?
His exact words, "I told you I had been talking to her" He does seem embarrassed. He will not go any more in depth. He doesn't say anything else. He doesn't say he is sorry. It just leaves it to me to wonder. He is ashamed I think. He doesn't proactively tell anyone and was furious that I did. In fact, I don't know if he told anyone but me. Likely he did. I dunno. We have different circles of friends and have for some time, even though it is a small community.
He is still avoiding me. Craving his space. Frankly, having been through this before, my opinion is that by being secretive it keeps them from really having to deal with the consequences.
He hasn't been contacting the children at all. He came and got his motorcycle (which has been an object of contention for some time) Not sure where he is storing it or anything else.
My impression currently is that this will run it's natural course. Meaning they had been together and split up several times. My guess is, they will again. At least if I can stay out of it and not push them closer together. One thing he did say as I told you guys before was that I was the one that split them up. Then he said but "that's old water under the bridge now" I wasn't sure how to take that. Honestly when he and I met they were already divorced. He had told me she slept with his best friend at his mom's house no less. So I don't know what to think. I am worried as hell. What if she is the reason he was never fully engaged with me. He still hadn't let that go? She was the "1st love" or whatever. They were married for 10 years. Things he has told me in the past were that things were not great. Some serious issues were her family, sense of control, and basically he was never satisfied with the quality of the sex. They never had children and got married very young. He also told me point blank he never wanted to have kids with her. She did, he did not. I don't know how much of what is going on now is my imagination or him trying to get me upset. I do KNOW that he spent last saturday night with someone and was gone sunday and did not drive his own vehicle. I also know some times he doesn't respond to me which I think is her influence. When we were having it out on the phone I also suspect she was "giving him advice" Of course, it would be self serving on her part. In addition, I KNOW this girl hates me with a passion. Regardless of whether she wanted him back or not it would be a great ego boost/ victory for her to cause me pain. She tried to remain in contact with his entire family for many many years even after he and I had children. She would go visit with his mother (of all things) Her grandparents showed up at our house when S14 was just days old to see him. I think they really thought I had "trapped" him into the relationship with me. In truth though, my H was every bit the pursuer. We were together for almost 2 years before I got pregnant with our first child. My only hope as I said is to let this evolve naturally. They have been together and split up many times without any involvement from me. So I have to trust that God has a plan and that hopefully he will soon come to realize that the "grass isn't always greener" and it will fall apart for the same reasons as before. I know H hasn't changed much in all the time I have known him. I doubt she has either. Which means it will be a short while before they fall into their same not working patterns which is fantastic news for me!
As far as his attitude. He is angry. Not much news there. He has been angry with me for years. Or at least been directing his anger at me. I do feel he is starting to show a little bit of respect for my boundaries. That is a GOOD thing. In order for anything to ever work we have to have respect back in our relationship.
He is not initiating divorce. Even though I think she may be pushing him to. I know he told me "so and so only handles uncontested divorce." I said "Oh you talked to him already?" His reply, "No but I talked to other people that know." So he isn't stupid. I do know too. Sometimes all I have to do is plant a very small seed and he will think about things. I did make the comment, "I am sure she would love to see us divorce regardless of who is getting hurt in the process whether it is you, I or our kids whom I am sure she likely resents." He never said a word. He just got quiet. It registered and that is important.
I know at this point I HAVE to GAL- I have to not initiate any contact, I have to let him do his thing. In other words, I have to give him room to fail. Room to miss me. Room to miss our children. Room for God to work.
This is hard for me. I am a fixer. A people pleaser. It is hard to reconcile my brain with my heart on those days when I am cycling through the anger, regret, and hurt. Other days are good. I need for the good to outnumber the cycling days.
I said before, some of the positives are that I am having a much better, closer relationship with my children. They are reacting positively to not being exposed to the mess of what our M had become. I felt this was true and it was confirmed yesterday by their IC. She basically told me that all of the D's had expressed they were doing better. More secure, and more structure. So in that respect I know this is the right path for me to be on.
Thanks for stopping in so regularly. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed and all I can do is get on here and unleash all those negative emotions. Everyone on this board is just another blessing for me to be thankful for.
This is the place to show your anger. Your H needs to feel that you are the better choice. If he experiences anger with you, he will not feel that way.
Yes, he has broken off with his ex before but he has also broken off with you. It's important to really think about yourself and your relationship with him and figure out how to be a better person and a better partner.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
Please be careful with your boundaries. "Fixers" tend to drop their boundaries to make things better for others. But this makes things worse for themselves. If your H has done this before, is there really a reason to believe he won't do it again, even if he comes back to you? I suspect he knew your feelings on the subject even before he pursued it. I suspect he also believes you'll back down.
Points well taken. I even wondered if I needed to initiate D to let it all go. Seriously. Perhaps, the only way to show I will not go through it again. But then that leaves me back to square 1. It is NOT what I want. I have also thought we are not "through" Our families- both the children and extended- feel the same way. Like this is not the end of our path.
However, how do I hold my boundaries and still fight for my marriage? Or a new marriage? I am stuck. I really do not know what to do.
How do I communicate this is not good enough and not acceptable and still that I want to work on this relationship?
Scared - I have made significant changes both in myself and my behavior. Real changes. Hence, the improvement in my children. I fully 100% intend to not backslide. It is a minute by minute challenge. Seriously. My number one issue is that I would not deal with my own stress well. I was short tempered and mean. Verbally being nasty, rude, and screaming. I have a very big problem with negativity. It is insidious and had invaded every interaction and aspect of my life. I just have to keep working at it. In addition, I do not nor have I ever been one to ask for help or state what I need. I am trying. That is a hard one. Especially considering I am stuck now alone and I have no real option but to do things by myself.
The only thing I really know to do at this point is exactly what I am doing. Trying to let go, detach, and go on with my life. If anyone has any other ideas I would be more than happy to hear them.
One of the problems was that every single time I fell into the fighting mode and trap I just reinforced all of his negative ideas. He is still considering a life here. I know this because every single time we have an argument he will verbalize, "Why would I want to work on this when all we do is fight?" A couple of times he has said that when there has been no mention of us working on things by me. And no mention of an US really.
I honestly believe it is MLC, I also believe, he is confused and doesn't know what he wants. I sort of believe in some part of me that the whole thing about XW1 is just a distraction. Not likely to really amount to much but I have been insecure in the past and I am being so now. I definitely feel though she is trying to manipulate. Not in a good way.
Crazy- you are so right about not losing myself. That is the entire problem in a nutshell. That is how I got to this place. I lost me and placed him above myself in importance of our M. He knew this. We have huge issues with his not respecting me. He would act like it at times but often it was just as a means to manipulate or control. Not in the true sense of the word. That is why I took it as such a positive sign that he followed up and did what I asked as far as not calling and also letting me know he was here.
One thing that may be interesting to see is - my schedule for school has changed. There is no longer any need at all for him to come here and stay with the children. I did ask him to stay this Saturday night because I have a concert to go to (Rick Springfield lol) but that is something for me to get away and relax. Otherwise, I have no plans and no need of him to come here or keep them. So that means he is going to have the opportunity to actually miss them and proactively work out a schedule to see them. Things that in the past he has not done. I have done all of that for him. He kept to my schedule because it benefitted him as well. That is no longer going to be the situation. He claims they are his top priority. He doesn't act like it. However, I do realize at some point he is going to realize that without his family he is not happy. So we shall see.
Scary business today. I knew the girls were doing better. I have worried about my S14. He has refused counseling. So today I get a call from the counselor. She said she found a note from S14 to his gf. Apparently, it talked about how much pain he is in, how he has been crying and wants to kill himself. Needless to say, it was very very frightening for me. She already set up time for IC to see him at school. So after I hung up I called H. I felt he should know. Also, he had given my son tons of guns and a gun cabinet. We are southern. What can I say? Also, they are big hunters. Anyway, I asked him to come over and get them all. So he did. While he was here it was just he and the two girls. He sent them downstairs to play on the computer so we could talk. We did discuss Zachary. In the process he says I know I am hurting everyone. I was sort of surprised to hear him actually verbalize that. We wound up talking for a while. A long while. I basically told him I was surprised to learn he still had unresolved feelings for XW. He told me he didn't really think he did. He might have a little but he didn't even realize it until he had seen her. He did say all they had done is talk again. I basically said at this point that I was fine with that. And I am. I also told him when and if things ever change between he and I that I wanted him to have no doubts and no questions that he wanted to be here. We discussed his depression and anxiety which manifests as chest pain and itching of all things. He does seem to be doing better. I am happy for that. I did state my position that I do not want to go back to the way things were. And I validated his feelings. So it was a pretty good conversation on the whole. It helped to know where he is coming from. I don't really believe him about the XW but really it doesn't matter. In truth, I saw the same thing I have seen since he left. He still cares. About me and about our kids but that he is confused. Same thing I always knew. Still confused. In some ways less so. It helped ease the pain and anxiety some. So that is good. Otherwise, same old same old.
It's good you had an open conversation with your H, and maybe there's no EA--I know you think this is not true, but I guess there's a possibility there isn't. I still recommend more space. You can limit your conversations to the kids.
I get the feeling your bottom line wasn't him talking to the XW. So what is it? Think about it.
Thanks so much for asking Tori. My S is okay. We of course talked quite a bit yesterday. He will see IC tomorrow. I am not quite so worried about him. He is concerned because everyone "thinks I'm psycho." Blames H. S 14 is in that place where he isn't quite child, isn't man. Responsibility for self is still a daily struggle. Hell it is for H too so not sure why S14 should be any different. Although he is a bit more responsible than H in many ways. Anyway, he will be okay. :-)
I'm not sure what my bottom line is Tori. That's the truth. I have thought about it. EA and PA are both not it. Although, certainly nearly it. I just don't know. Part of it, I think is in how he treats me. Meaning respectfully or no.This is hard for me to explain. Because most people would say he has already disrespected me. However, I guess it is not in such a way that I would really agree. Maybe I am too understanding? I have felt suffocated, miserable, trapped in our M too. It simply wasn't working for ANY of us. I feel like somehow I already turned the corner or a tipping point. It isn't a bottom line so to speak more, this is what it is. I do NOT accept it. We are still married technically. I do NOT want the same life we had. Unless and until there is a real and true change of heart on his part as well then we are basically done.
I really don't want that to be the case. In the meantime, I suppose he can do what he wants. I would hope he doesn't. I can't control that though. All I can control is me. I know what I want. I am working towards it. Granted, it seems to feel like 1 step forward and 12 back but I am making progress. For me and for our kids, we do not need the same emotionally unavailable angry belligerent H we had before.
If this is what he needs to do to get past that then so be it. If he never does then we will deal with that too. My thoughts are to just ride this out for a while. I keep praying, keep detaching, and place it in God's hands. Not sure why I am on this path. I just have to have faith that it is to get to a better place. I will know when it is time to move on. Whether it be with him or not. I realized no matter what happens we will still have to interact whether I want to or not. I will ALWAYS have a pretty intense emotional connection to him. Detached or not. It's there. Detaching to me just means that I don't let that connection be used in a way to hurt me. Not sure if that makes sense. Something about our conversation just let me know that he basically feels the same way. So for now he works on him. I work on me. Maybe our paths converge again later. Maybe not. Time will tell.
I believe in DB I think because it gives me power back. It lets me, be me. That's something I didn't or haven't been comfortable doing for a long time. I like me. Real me. Genuine me. If he decides he doesn't then some day I will find someone else who does.
Today is a pretty good day PMA wise. I still waffle back and forth because frankly it still hurts. It IS lessening though.
Your support is such a blessing! I hope you are having a better day. I am going to go read your sitch now.
Kind of odd today. H called to see when he needs to be here tomorrow because of the show I am going to. He was actually almost playful if that is the right word. Maybe he was picking up on my mood or something? I really think part of it was yesterday and I basically just let it go. Let him go. Can't explain it. I felt it and so did he. Suddenly it was like no pressure. Today was a good chat. He actually seemed sort of pissy I hadn't called. I even expressed that I do not want to interrupt whatever he is doing for something that basically can wait. He feels it is "stupid" to text. Surely, we can talk and be nice. His words again. I basically told him again that I didn't want him to feel like I was checking in or anything and if he has any questions he is welcome to call me. Then he went through his whole thing about do I have money- Am I staying? I had originally planned to just stay rather than drive. Then he says well when will it be over and all of this. Did get one jab in -- I am a huge Pat Green fan and one time about 8 years ago I had gone to see him at a show and it is in a different time zone from here. Basically, the time change was just an hour but then it was a bar and afterwards I got to meet him and hang out. I went without H permission or whatever. Not that I needed it but he didn't want me to go. Then when he called at 3 AM and PG was walking me to my car which was 3 blocks over H was furious. Really really furious. To be fair- he was even before he knew I had met and hung out with him. --- Sorry for that but he did say at one point in our conversion well will it be over before 3 AM like PG? I said well surely it won't last that long. It is supposed to start at like 8ish. Then he starts calculating how long it will take me to get home and says to be sure to call and let him know if it is any later so he will not worry. Then he goes on to say- it's just business you can call for that. Huh???? What a weirdo thing to say. I just said Yeah okay. So he seems to want me to go. Not like in a get outta my face kinda way but a go and have fun kinda way. Then he is concerned about my safety? I mean he asked and said it several times. The whole thing was odd. I said before I felt as though I was the one being DB'ed and really this was no exception. I just kept it light. Asked no questions and said fine. Only thing I did ask sort of defensively was when he first asked when I would be back - I said Why so you can leave? Which was a dumb thing for me to say but really I guess it was a valid question. Perhaps I shouldn't have said it the way I did though. So we left things on pretty decent terms again. This crap is hard isn't it?
