As I was taking my shower, I realized that the sadness and emptiness that I've been feeling lately aren't unfamiliar. I realized that my H has been putting up emotional walls and shutting me out for a long time, and this is directly why OM1 and OM2 happened. Because I have a need for emotional love and connection that was not (and is not) being met, and I chose the wrong way to get the need fulfilled.
The feelings of loneliness and emptiness can be so overwhelming. I don't always feel the pain so acutely but I realized the holes have always been there and the level or the depth just varies over time.
H's argument is that he did this and that for me, loving acts of generosity and kindness, so there was no need for me to look outside the marriage. I should have been completely fulfilled. My response is metaphorical: you could feed someone fruit and vegetables all the time, and fruit and vegetables would be healthy nutritious food, but without protein, you are still malnourished.
I came to the conclusion that H's walls are probably a direct result of his mother's abandonment, which he's never dealt with as far as I am aware. Until he resolves that, he will never be able to fully love me or any other person. And if he can't give me the emotional support that I'm so desperate for, I won't be able to stay in the marriage. Even if I did, we all know it would only be paving the way for OM3 to make his way in.
That is the dealbreaker for me, and that is what we have to work together on in MC if we ever get there.
I would rather be financially bankrupt and divorced than emotionally bankrupt and stuck in an unhappy marriage.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
