She doesn't know what she wants. She is on a journey, take yourself on one. I know it is easier said than done. And I am heading for a d, so maybe I am not the best to give advice, just restating what I have read on here so many times. My w thinks a divorce will bring her happiness, so that is her journey. I am finding that I am happier everyday no matter what happens. That is my journey for the rest of my life!
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
The thing is that I want to make sure I am not fighting for this M only because I am "afraid to lose her" I want to fight for it because I feel W and our M are things which I am just "attached" to right now.
I did a little check in my head and it makes me so confused because both side play out equal... I know that the term "soulmate" is just B.S. hollywood puts out to sell movies and an illusion but I feel I would definitely be missing an integral piece of myself without her but I know I would be able to love again as well...
I think the resentment comes from the fact that she has not stated once what she wants for sure yet...
SOOOO confused...
Soulmate is just a word. There are people out there who really want to be with you, who appreciate you, and they support you. Something in how they are or how they do you, make you "much better" than most people. It's because what they are and how they want to do you.
If they don't want to do you like that anymore, then it's not a soulmate anymore.
At some point along the line the WAS decided something was missing in their life and decided to venture out. They replaced alot of services you provided with the OM/OW's
The only way you can get them to see the light with the OP is to completely remove any of your financial and emotional and other means of support. This means your not covering for them, your not helping them financially or in physical means. Let the OP do this. Usually an OP does not want that level of involvement with someone elses W or H, they will just send them back home instead of dealing with that "drama".
So I wake up this morning and call the W on my way into work.. all of a sudden after we say our byes and see you later's she asks me if she can borrow the ILYBINILWY book from me. Totally out of the blue, said she wants to read it today!
Not reading too much into it but I feel like it can definitely help if she is willing to work on it with me.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
My expectations are low but I am excited that she asked to read the book. She knows full well that I thought it had great insight into our sitch and a detailed set of steps to try and break through to the passionate side of the relationship again. So the fact that she wanted to read it without any prompts from me is cause for hope, and right now that's all I need to keep fighting for this M.
I will hopefully have some good updates tomorrow as we are spending the day together at her aunt and uncles house.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
W initiated M talk Friday night. She said she wanted to read the ILYB book because she saw I was so content and since nothing had changed on her end she felt the book must have helped me.
Well the talk was okayg I didn't push her for any answers but we talked about feeling. I told her how I can't predict our future but I see a path worth trying. She then told me she is not as optimistic as I am but that she made a promise and she is not taking this lightly. She wants to explore every avenue and make sure we are making the right decision.
She really truly wanted to know what was on my mind. How I was able to stay so optimistic and calm. I didn't expect anything out of the conversation which lasted for about 90 minutes which was great because I didn't become a salesman more just described my feelings and my sense of direction to W.
Now next test will be to try and enact some of the excersises in ILYB and see if W joins in...
Patience....
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Sounds like a good conversation, she acknowledged your DB efforts and the changes it's made in you. Try not to have any expectations, but she's giving you some reasons to be optimistic
Sounds like a good conversation, she acknowledged your DB efforts and the changes it's made in you. Try not to have any expectations, but she's giving you some reasons to be optimistic
I agree, definitely was a positive step in this sitch. It was the first time I have heard her tell me she wanted to explore every avenue before making a decision. This is great news also because it leads me to believe she is not looking at making any behind the scenes moves..
I really am hoping that by her reading the book, me wprking on the exercises in the books (hopefully some with her) and her taking her retreat will soften her stance and get her more in the mood to view us as "possihle" again..
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Backing off... W goes on her retreat this weekend...
I really want to do an exercise or two from the book together.. is this something I should bring up in passing or is this something totally on her??
In the backing off, don't push it. Lay off for a couple of weeks. Your in a good position, you have created momentum in your favor. If you keep pushing it she will pull back.
Your in a better position than many of us. Let her enjoy herself, but do not expect anything. Keep up the good work.
Totally out of the blue, said she wants to read it today!