Separating Inevitable

[littleGTO]

Thanks, eyesopen,
Good GAL suggestions. I'll have to think about things. I understand what you are saying about the importance of having a life of your own outside of your children.

BD is only a few hours away for us to tell our boys about my H moving out next weekend.

I am just sick about it, but I'll try to be strong!

[longrun]

All the best, turtlegirl. It's a tough time but just let your H do what he thinks he needs to do.

[eyesopen]

I thought I was going to be a complete mess when we told them. But I stayed strong. You can do it, show him that nothing he does can hurt you.

[figure-it-out]

I've been following your story TG and just want to let you know you're in my thoughts today as you tell your boys.

I have a S close in age to yours as well who found it incredibly difficult when H moved out. You sound like a great mom who definitely puts her kids first. It's not easy, but I know you will help make this transition as easy as possible for them.

Just wanted to let you know you're not alone!

[Arsene]

Thinking about you TG. Be strong.

[littleGTO]

Thanks for the support,figure-it-out & Arsene,

We told the boys last evening...it was NOT fun. The two younger ones cried and I couldn't help but cry (not sobbing hysterically, but tears came despite my efforts to hold it together). My youngest son cried the most & clung to me like nobody's business. My middel son cried but asked some good, but tough questions like- why do you (daddy) need to move out to solve your problems?

My H told him he didn't know why but that being her (at home) was not helping him to solve his problems & that he needed his own space to help him think about things. That seemed to satisfy my son in the moment.

My oldest S13 said nothing/did not cry and didn't seem to react at all (although his demeanor was very serious).

I thought we did a decent job explaining the move out to them. My husband explained he hadn't been a good dad for a long time (at least a year), and that he hoped by not being here all the time that he would make a better effort to be more involved and "happier" to be around them. (A WAS excuse to leave so that he doesn't feel as guilty?)

At bedtime all the boys had a difficult time going to sleep. S9 cried and verbalized his worries and concerns--why can't he figure out his problems here? Who's going to get my breakfast in the morning? ...why does he have to leave at all? Very difficult questions 1 &3.

MIddle son took 4-ever to go to sleep-he was up until at least 11:30. S13 popped up twice (he usu goes right to sleep).

After "the talk" I had to go to my room & have a good cry before I could pull myself together again to sit and watch a movie w the boys. H tried to watch movie, but zoned out fairly quickly.

I would put this up there among the hardest things I've ever had to go through (w residule effects yet to come).

Quite frankly--it $ucked!

[Wendylon]

I'm so sorry, TG, for what you had to go through.

Your S13's reaction reminds me of mine when I was that age (and the oldest of three). I showed no reaction at all when my mother told me she wanted to D. I was, however, extremely upset. I just didn't show it to them. I was furious with my mother for being the one who wanted out. I really didn't care whether or not she was happy with my father, I just thought they owed it to us to stay together and work out their issues! I felt sorry for my father and the pain he was in.

Every time we did something as a family, I was hopeful that they were reconciling. It did $uck big time!

Good luck, TG--especially over the next week.

[littleGTO]

As the boys were settling into bed one of my brothers (who just found out the whole sitch from my parents) called my H directed (for first time in his life, probably).

As first it seemed to be a calm\, but intense conversation. My B was apparently asking all the "right" hard questions...what opened the door for this OP to come into your life? ...why aren't you choosing to cut out comm w her and fight to save your family and M? ...what are your intentions now? ...how can you possilby leave your W after 20 years together & 3 boys?!

My H tried to explain how he's been unhappy "for so long"-- (again I can tell you it has been only about since when he mom was diagnosed w cancer- 1 1/2 yrs ago). And how last Jan I went into my "winter blues mode" where I was "nasty and as mean as I've ever been to him." At the same time this OP was being nice and listening to him. etc.etc. etc.

The conversation escalated and my B ended up yelling at him and telling him how disappointed he was and gave an ear ful. It didn't end well, in my H's opinion.

After the conversation my H cried and said "nobody who says they love me or is part of my family can support me for who I am and my decisions, unless I make the "right decisions". Meaning that he wants someone to tell him that what he is doing is okay & that as long as he is happy then that's the most important thing.

He doesn't understand that his selfish actions are impacting SO MANY OTHER PEOPLE's LIVES WHO LOVE HIM! ESP me and the BOYS!

He is so lost and confused and seems to be heading right into OW's arms in a matter of a short time...we'll see.

I need to write more, but have to help S9 carve his pumpkin!

[theUF]

Really sorry TG, my S is not old enough to understand in full, so I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you!

Good luck, stay strong!

[LIO]

Listen to the advice you are given and then PUT it in motion for YOU.
We have stood where you stand - and I can tell you it is stressful, hurtful, upsetting, your world is crashing around you but you still need to function 'normally' somehow... Even when there are unanswered questions (accept that they will NOT be answered), when things don't make sense. When it's hard and upsetting. When you feel abandoned. Focus on YOU and your sons only. Not H, what he is doing, and not some imaginary or perceived future.

How are you handling your winter blues months this year?


I can only tell you that after 'fighting' for 8 months, here is what I learned the hard way in doing everything 'my way':

Don't follow the OW situation. Do not acknowledge her - do not look her up. Nothing. You will not gain anything from it. It will eat at you. She is bug, an annoying mosquito to you. Swat any thought of her away before 'SHE' eats away at 'YOU' and you forget the real you.

What is it about YOU that drew your husband to you? What is it about YOU that you like?

Read the 37 rules. Again. and again. Memorize them. (It's taken me 8 months to get them fully in play.

You'll hear people say drop expectations, have no expectations. To me - that means drop the timelines. Don't expect H to be home. Don't expect him to 'see the light'. The only timelines I care about now are ones that affect ME and ones to meet MY goals only! H is on his own

Whether or not your H goes right into her arms could happen, could not. It really doesn't change where you are right now. When the thought comes up - do the stop thought immediately and get busy with something else that distracts you. My experience is that my anxiety and uncontrolled thoughts fuel the fire, until I make a big bonfire out of a little match. A little match I could've squashed out.

A big one I learned that I see you are doing: don't talk about your situation with family, friends. It's uncomfortable for H, it will be uncomfortable for you at some point, makes reconciliation harder, and it puts them in a position where they will feel like they need to choose OR they will mention that 'when' you get divorced, or 'cant you see that your H is...' which if you are trying to R with your H, doesn't help you stay positive. Keep your R's with your friends/family as a source of positivity, come here and journal more instead. Your family/friends won't have any more insight into your H's behavior either - and he WILL turn resentful and internal if this continues.