25yearsmlc you make a ton of sense. I hope I can get to the place of strength and wisdom that you have.
You bring up some tough points. The hardest thing to look at in me is what might have caused him to go the other way and have an affair. I would guess that it's the same part I play in our arguments - not letting things go, being moody oftentimes and tiring him out when we do argue. And then, not forgiving him or even trying to - holding onto that anger and betrayal like a familiar sweater. And not really listening when he's angry sometimes, trying to get through to me. It's like I say something he doesn't like, he gets angry and then I defend myself or get angry back. I also feel like sometimes he doesn't fight fair, and will say hurtful things to get me to stop talking. At times, even me explaining a point or when I express a dislike with something is cause for him to blow up. Which only makes me more inclined to be heard, and so the cycle continues.
I agree I need to make many changes, and I can't control him or his actions. I just don't know where to start. As we've mostly avoided each other this week, there hasn't been much conflict, but there's also no resolution. Every hot topic that comes up (the truck yesterday, for one) is a land mine.I don't know how to work around that dynamic and speak peacefully without feeling like I can't disagree with something and make him mad.
This morning I woke up and was really angry with him. I felt like he's behaving in a way that's so completely childish, with seemingly no interest in me or us - yet here I've just been, quiet and calm and (mostly pleasant, anyway) hoping to work out this marriage. I felt like just saying I've had enough and that as far as I'm concerned, he should leave and enjoy his life, because this is ridiculous. I even thought about helping him by giving him money toward his new place. I feel like he's yanked his love from me so many times to punish me, or to get me to see his point, or whatever - and used our dogs as "his" and threatened to take them when he leaves, stonewalling, etc. - that a part of me is over it. I'm thinking why in the world am I putting up with this from someone who says he wants to move out anyway?
I'm not a victim, and I have a part in this, but if he comes back, do I just get to go through this again the next time he decides he's going to punish me?
As for the saving, he did agree to a certain amount each week (a figure he chose). As I started saving, he didn't. If I asked him about it, he'd get mad and ask what exact bills I was paying, and that we should "split every bill and the rent in half". Then I'd get angry because I also pay for groceries, gas, and most items he wants, because I tend to save. I've never kept score in that respect. But it's like he's bitter at having to pay rent. I don't know, maybe he's right and we should split everything down the middle. I just feel like I try to give him anything he could want when he asks, but he's still holding me to every cent that goes out, what he pays vs what I pay monthly. I feel as though I've been very generous in every way. We are both on each other's bank account, but he's usually overdrawn so I always say, just use the other account. But I feel like sometimes if I need something, I have to rely on myself 100% of the time. This is why I got on his case about spending, because I've been asking for years and it just seems to incense him.
I'm sure none of this is DBing behavior. I just don't know how to do all of it at once. I'm working as best I can to do 180 - I'm leaving here in about an hour to take some space for myself and see some friends and stay busy, as I've been doing each day. I've been only pleasant to him today so far and haven't brought up the truck or him leaving. I'm behaving as if it's ok with me that he goes. Past that, I don't have a lot of answers. Thank you for everything you said, I know it's true and you're right.
