My H is going on a business trip week after next. He goes at this time every year, and usually sends me his flight info by this time. He hasn't yet, and I don't expect him to. He usually calls when he gets there and gives me the hotel info. I don't expect him to do that either. I hear you about the "not noticing".
Have fun at the game. S last baseball game is tomorrow, but the weather here is beautiful. I think they cancel baseball games when it rains. I'm guessing football goes on in any weather. Keep warm and dry!
My husband is gone now on a business trip. Like your H, mine always would give me the info and let me know when he got there and where he was staying. I haven't got any of that info on the past three trips. I did ask him to please let me know when he got to the places safely because our girls would worry. I haven't talked to H in 2 1/2 weeks. He came home from a trip in September and never came home. I rarely hear from him, maybe an email about financial stuff. He came to the house twice. Once to see our girls a couple days after he got back in sept and again to get his passport. I hate not talking to him. But, somedays I'm glad I don't have to. With him being gone so much, nothing is happening in our R. But, I see that as good right now. H is in MLC and needs time to himself.
My H is still in the home, but ignores me mostly. One day he was doing laundry, and I was doing something on the computer in a room that he had to pass on his way upstairs to pick up his clothes. He held the hangers full of clothes in front of him and proceeded upstairs. Like he was trying to hide.
I am almost looking forward to him being gone for 5 days.
thanks for stopping by! I just visited your threads as well.
TJP I hope you are still in as good a "place" as your last post indicated.
Agnes, I hear you on the "looking forward" comment. Lol. I have found H's absence to be a mixed bag, some things are easier, some things more difficult.
Still no contact, but I know he has checked his email (I didn't send him anything but because I can "check" his email, I know he has read his current messages) so I presume he's still alive. His eta is tomorrow before football. We will see, I'm still not betting on that.
Planning on a "tidy up" day for today. Looking forward to having a more orderly surrounding, perhaps it will rub off on my brain! I'm thinking bubble bath tonight... haven't had one in I-don't-know-how-long. Hoping I hear Monday that I got the job I interviewed for on Wed, that would be SUCH A GIFT for the GAL effort!
The kids are busy this weekend with work. Had a sweet moment this morning when I dropped S16 off for his job at McD's - he ran across the parking lot to hold the door for an elderly lady
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
MissAgnes, It's nice to hear from someone. I haven't done too much posting, but don't ever hear much response when I do. I've been thinking about H and how much I love him, but am so angry with him at the same time. I have only seen him three times in the past 2 months. Two of those times, he barely talked to me. The third was quite a bit longer, but he was still intent on not coming home.
Since he has been traveling so much, he doesn't really have to have a "life" when he's in town. He just goes to work, then hangs out with a mutual friend couple that we have. I feel horrible, but I have cut back my contact with those friends because it got too hard hearing what my husband was saying to them. Plus, the wife (one of dearest friends) wanted to always give me hope and would say that she was seeing progress in my H. Then the next day, tell me that she must have been wrong because something he said to her that day. I stopped asking them about him. I have cut back talking to them drastically. I hate to say, but it has taken some of the stress out of my life.
My OD came home this weekend again from college (out of town). She is having a very hard time with her life right now. She has the pressure of school, job and everything going on with her Dad. She has been home 5 weekends in a row. Before all this, she would come home maybe once every 6-8 weeks. She has been a "worrier" her whole life, from the time she was 3. She is emotional and was Daddy's little girl. Both my girls are. The OD really laid into her Dad about a month ago and told him what she was feeling. He did not like hearing the truth and stopped emailing with her. He used to call them, but has only emailed them the past month or so.OD has had two big "come to Jesus" talks with my H. She has no problem telling him like it is.
My YD holds things in when it comes to her Dad right now. She would email him like nothing has happened. She wanted his attention so much. She was afraid if she told him how she really felt, he would stop talking to her and never come back. Well, she evidently had enough, for now anyway. H missed an entire season of watching her perform with the Color Guard. She is a senior.This is the last year for everything like that. He was even in town for one of the performances and didn't go. So, last weekend, when it was the last competition, he emailed to ask how it went. She did not reply. I talked to her last night. She never replied. This is huge for her! She uses silence to get her message across. She and I have been living alone since my H was gone for a year+. She and I are VERY close. We had our time thru Hell a couple of years ago. I didn't think we would make it thru, but we did. I don't know what I would do without her. Sometimes she gets too much of my sadness since she's the only one home. Plus, I work at the high school she attends. I love that I get to see her during the day. She likes it too. We're both so excited that she was just assigned as a "tutor" in my class. She will be spending 2 hours EVERYDAY in the class until Christmas. It is wonderful.
Tonight we are having our huge annual Halloween party. It evidently is the party to be invited to with their friends. We go all out for this party. I took off work yesterday to get some things ready. The girls and I have more to do today. Have to get the cemetery set up in the front room. Both girls are excited about it.
I'm glad it's going to be some thing fun and take everyone's mind off of our situation. None of my daughters friends know about what is going on. This is the way they want it. Nobody knows. We are a quiet family about our personal business. Our families don't even know. I guess unless H has a big turn-a-round, everyone will know at Christmas.
Try to relax and enjoy the few days you have w/o your H. There won't be the stress of seeing him "hide" from you, plus any other disappointing things he's doing. I have my moments. Yesterday I went from laughing to crying in about an hour. It's hard, but we don't have control over how they treat us, especially when they're not around. It's hard for me to do any 180's or other changing behaviors when there isn't any contact from him. I've been trying to just take one day at a time. My YD asked last night what we were doing for Thanksgiving. I told her I hadn't looked that far ahead yet!
Enjoy some peace for a little while. Let me know now it goes. :o)
sometimes responses here are slow to come. Sometimes MUCH TOO SLOW if you're in pain and feeling extra-alone. I've noticed many many more views than responses, maybe 10 to 1 or even greater. So, the more you post the more responses you'll get!
Check out other's threads and leave comments. Even if you don't have advice, you can still sympathize and that's always nice for that other person to read. That's how I found you - because you posted on my thread. I didn't recognize your name so checked your posts/ "topics started" and read your story.
It will even help you to help others by posting. Even if the help isn't "advice" but just "I feel your pain. Sorry you are having troubles" etc. You will matter to others, and make them feel they matter too!
Try to put more focus on you you you. The 180's are meant to be for YOUR benefit, NOT his. Don't change something just because HE wants it changed, only if YOU want to change that area.
I think its fine to avoid friends that are downers, especially at this raw time of your life. But don't avoid all friends! Doesn't mean you have to share the details, just spend time with those who are "uppers".
I find it helpful to "live in the moment" for right now. The thought of the holidays gives me the willies, so I don't think about the M in conjunction with them. I think how I would like to decorate the house, what cookies I want to bake, etc. I want to make them extra special this year!!
And as for H missing out on stuff... well too bad for him. That's what I thought last night. In the cold. In the rain. In the cold rain lol. My son's team beat a school they don't often beat!! And I got to see it !! H didn't. Yes, its hard on the kids. NO, its not fair. LIFE'S NOT FAIR. Ever said that to your kids? I know I have... but just make the best of each day, each minute.
I have started a new thread "Together Separate II"
Thanks for the advice. I guess I feel like I haven't been in this forum long enough to give anyone advice.
I have told my girls life isn't fair. Don't really need to, they are old enough to know. They both have had some hard times. They are both really smart girls and I'm so grateful they are older and not little.
. They were there when I found out about the OW. We kind of found out together. My YD was in the hotel room with us. My OD was in the other hotel room and was informed by her sister when she returned to their room. What a way to start what was supposed to be the "vacation of a lifetime"!
I have been making the changes for me and my girls. I just wish H would be around long enough to notice. I'm sure he's noticing that I haven't emailed in a week. That's not what I used to do. I don't plan on emailing either. I don't think our Ds are either. I hope this smacks him in the face. None of his girls talking to him.
I have always told the girls that their relationship with their Dad is theirs, not mine. I don't tell them what to do. But, when they ask, I'll give my advice. Since they are older, they pretty much make up their own minds. They see what's going on. My YD who lives at home, talks to the OD and keeps her up on what's going on. I'm glad they have each other.
I do have another friend that knows everything. Luckily, she and I work in the same classroom. She understands more of what I'm going thru. Her H walked out on her and little girl for a year. He came back. My other friends care, but they just don't understand how it feels. That's why I have gotten so much out of coming here and reading. I don't feel as alone. There are so many out there that understand what I'm going thru, for the most part.
I like what you're doing with your thoughts on the holidays. I have had Christmas in the back of my mind. Usually I would have bought at least one present by now. I haven't really thought about it. Supposedly H is going to be in town for thanksgiving. When it gets closer, I'll ask the girls what they want to do. If they want to invite him to come to the house, it will be fine with me. I still can't believe I say stuff like that!!! Invite my own husband to our house!! My birthday is a couple days after thanksgiving. I'm not sure how that's going to go.
I'm glad you got to see your S play football. I have sat MANY cold nights and weekends at football fields watching the marching band and color guard. I have been to everything and am glad I haven't missed a moment. I have even chaperoned several out of town trips. These are the things that mean the most to our kids. I know they will remember all that I do for them and with them. It's really sad that YD will remember this fall season. I hope he comes to his senses by winter season. Senior year only happens once.
I really hope you do find some things to do for yourself while your H is away. Maybe he'll be able to find some time to think about you and miss you. :o)
but because I can "check" his email, I know he has read his current messages) so I presume he's still alive. His eta is tomorrow before football. We will see, I'm still not betting on that.