I think I see the picnic!

[Arsene]

Hi Vero,

I'm glad that you managed to get some good out of that dinner, despite your backslide.

It seems to me that anger is at the middle of many of your problems, as it was with me.

I have dealt with it through meditation and through constant monitoring of my thoughts. When I begin a thought process that leads to negative thoughts about W (or any other situation for that matter) I stop the process immediatly and assess where it comes from. Then, I look at how anger would resolve the situation (it never does) and then, I do what used to be counter-intuitive, the exact opposite of what I was about to do.
It still doesn't come naturally but I can catch myself much quicker than I used to.

For example, a few days ago, some old man crossed the street just in front of me without looking. I was on my motorbike and he was walking his bicycle. I swerved to avoid him but still caught the front wheel of his bike and my motorbike skidded to the side and fell, sending me sliding on the asphalt for a few meters. I hurt myself (lots of pain initially but only scratches and bruises).

My first reaction as I got myself up was to go to the man and demand in anger why he hadn't looked before crossing (this is the way I used to be). As I started towards the man, I noticed what I was doing (and where I was going with this) and by the time I got to him, instead of the yell of anger I had planned, I asked him gently why he hadn't looked (still a silly question) and then made sure he wasn't hurt.

I think the old man saw the change that occurred in me from the time I got up (total anger) to the time I got to him (slight frustration and a good dose of concern) because I felt like I saw him go from fear to relief and then gentle kindness as he took my shaking hand and rubbed my wrist to help me relax out of shock.

I've been working at this since mid-May, after BD. I wish W had told me about my anger before as I don't think I realized how bad i had actually become. Now I know and just this awareness is half the battle. The other half is made of willingness to change, acceptance that others are not to blame for my demise, knowledge that anger mainly affects the person who has it and his loved ones, rarely the person who it's directed at, and the certainty that reacting out of anger is never the answer.

I'm not saying it's wrong to feel anger. But that it's not healthy to act on it impulsively. When you get angry, stop. Figure out why you are angry. Where does it come from. Be honest with yourself. You'll see that half the time it's from not getting our way or not considering the other's perspective. Then once you're there ask yourself how being angry and acting on it is going to help the situation. Ask yourself how the other person is going to react once exposed to your anger. It is the way you want to be? Then see if there is a better way to get to where you want to be.

Sounds like a lengthy exercise and at first it is but it also gives you the time to cool off some. Eventually, it happens over a few seconds because over time you realise that there s always a better way to get to where you want to be so you can skip all the analysis part and go straight to the last part.

I hope this makes sense. It's what worked/is working for me.

But still, I occasionally get the anger in me, but usually when I'm alone, thinking over a situation that occurred before. I can deal with it by looking at it and recognizing what it is and where it comes from and then letting it go. (much easier said than done sometimes).

Take care Vero and good luck dealing with this.