I think I see the picnic!

[scaredsilly]

vero, why are you angry? how can you express the feelings behind the anger in a non-threatening way?

i posted on someone's thread, men don't like anger. really, i don't think anyone does.

maybe, when you feel the anger start to rise up, from your gut to your brain (where it feels like it will explode), maybe you can try to breathe deeply, stop yourself, and think about the emotion that is the originator of that anger; fear, pain...

let yourself feel sorry for yourself instead of angry with H. maybe then, he will display the compassion you're looking for?

[keep_going]

To be honest it went south because I got very angry. I felt as if he was not empathizing with me.

Vero,

Your problem here were your expectations. You wanted HIM to care about your feelings and you were not detached.

You know that since you are the one standing for your M, you will need to do all the work. It may not seem fair and I am sure you have read about this. They leave, they cheat, they act selfishly and don't care, yet we have to ignore all that and do all the work on ourselves, change and lovingly detach. But that is what needs to happen if you want the R to change...

As long as you continue having expectations you will be disappointed and get angry.

You know my personal demon is also anger, you have read my posts. And you know it doesn't only limit to our spouses - for both of us anger has permeated other R in our lives.

What are you doing to deal with it? Therapy, learning about it, anger management exercises, mediation, physical exercise, sleep?

Vero - our #1 priority has to be to deal with our anger. Everything else will start falling into place once we control it and deal with it in a constructive way. I know it does for me, so I have made it my #1 priority and if you see my goals, they are intended to make me feel good but also to help deal with my anger. Yes, I have setbacks and our situation is NOT easy, but this is a must.

Let's do it together, let's support each other. I'd love to exchange ideas and suggestions and be a listening ear and crying shoulder for you. You know where to find me now...

(((((vero)))))

[bustingout]

Hi Vero ((((( ))))

I am glad that you feel better today. That is great. But i do agree with KG and the others, anger is the biggest demon and obstacle to truly moving forward. Lets all support each other in controlling this beast. :-)

[mamabird]

Vero, I triple that. Anger can be really productive but it can also be really destructive. I know I had a lot of anger built up over the years and I am working on letting it go. I have let go of a lot of it, honestly, and now I want to focus on not letting it build up again. Meditation has been helpful for me to replace the crappy feelings with loving ones.

It was good of you to speak to your H directly and honestly, even if you did get angry. As you continue to have these conversations you won't feel so angry, and if you can figure out a way to deal with the anger or the HURT in the moment, you may be able to come up with a new, more constructive approach. As you go through this process you are becoming more aware of your own behavior and your own patterns and that means you can turn it around that much more quickly. Your H will see this over time.

I would love to get together with you and KG sometime so let me know how you figured that out.

[Arsene]

Hi Vero,

I'm glad that you managed to get some good out of that dinner, despite your backslide.

It seems to me that anger is at the middle of many of your problems, as it was with me.

I have dealt with it through meditation and through constant monitoring of my thoughts. When I begin a thought process that leads to negative thoughts about W (or any other situation for that matter) I stop the process immediatly and assess where it comes from. Then, I look at how anger would resolve the situation (it never does) and then, I do what used to be counter-intuitive, the exact opposite of what I was about to do.
It still doesn't come naturally but I can catch myself much quicker than I used to.

For example, a few days ago, some old man crossed the street just in front of me without looking. I was on my motorbike and he was walking his bicycle. I swerved to avoid him but still caught the front wheel of his bike and my motorbike skidded to the side and fell, sending me sliding on the asphalt for a few meters. I hurt myself (lots of pain initially but only scratches and bruises).

My first reaction as I got myself up was to go to the man and demand in anger why he hadn't looked before crossing (this is the way I used to be). As I started towards the man, I noticed what I was doing (and where I was going with this) and by the time I got to him, instead of the yell of anger I had planned, I asked him gently why he hadn't looked (still a silly question) and then made sure he wasn't hurt.

I think the old man saw the change that occurred in me from the time I got up (total anger) to the time I got to him (slight frustration and a good dose of concern) because I felt like I saw him go from fear to relief and then gentle kindness as he took my shaking hand and rubbed my wrist to help me relax out of shock.

I've been working at this since mid-May, after BD. I wish W had told me about my anger before as I don't think I realized how bad i had actually become. Now I know and just this awareness is half the battle. The other half is made of willingness to change, acceptance that others are not to blame for my demise, knowledge that anger mainly affects the person who has it and his loved ones, rarely the person who it's directed at, and the certainty that reacting out of anger is never the answer.

I'm not saying it's wrong to feel anger. But that it's not healthy to act on it impulsively. When you get angry, stop. Figure out why you are angry. Where does it come from. Be honest with yourself. You'll see that half the time it's from not getting our way or not considering the other's perspective. Then once you're there ask yourself how being angry and acting on it is going to help the situation. Ask yourself how the other person is going to react once exposed to your anger. It is the way you want to be? Then see if there is a better way to get to where you want to be.

Sounds like a lengthy exercise and at first it is but it also gives you the time to cool off some. Eventually, it happens over a few seconds because over time you realise that there s always a better way to get to where you want to be so you can skip all the analysis part and go straight to the last part.

I hope this makes sense. It's what worked/is working for me.

But still, I occasionally get the anger in me, but usually when I'm alone, thinking over a situation that occurred before. I can deal with it by looking at it and recognizing what it is and where it comes from and then letting it go. (much easier said than done sometimes).

Take care Vero and good luck dealing with this.

[2chiquitos]

SS,
Your right! men dont' like anger. It's something I've been working on. I'd like to think there has been progress. I need to breathe like you said before it gets to my brain and feel the the true emotions of fear or pain.

[2chiquitos]

KG,
Now that I think about it I did have expectations. I thought I had cleared my head of it but once I saw his demeanor and heard his response to my talk, I was on defense mode!

And no I wasn't detached. I was completely entangled in him and the sitch.

Let's meetup. I sent you a msg on the alt.

[2chiquitos]

Bustingout,
I admire how good you are when it comes to this (anger). I never read about you letting your H have it after he's been a real jerk. I need that same patience. Send it via FedEx ;-)

[2chiquitos]

RegretfulLA,
I need to meditate more often! I was doing it more before and recently stopped. It does help me center myself.

And I am learning a lot about myself and my destructive patterns. He has seen a huge change in me but when he sees that look I get when I'm angry, it reminds him of the old me.

[mamabird]

So you've got your work cut out for you. Do anything you possibly can to control your anger. Walk away, change the subject, wash your face, whatever. So many women on here are expressing feelings of anger, it's astounding.