Lost and confused

[Soul.Searching]

This may be long. The first part is about H, the second is about me.

So H called this afternoon. He called once and I didn't answer,
he called again right away so I answered knowing if I didn't either he would keep calling me or get really pissed off because I didn't answer.

He said "Hi are the kids there?" so I put S on, I heard S telling him about our busy weekend. Including not getting home until 1Am and about his bike tyre.
Then S gave the phone to D and I heard D tell him about buying Halloween costumes and that they might be going trick or treating this year.
(Halloween is not a big thing over here but the kids have always wanted to go but H would never let them)
D came and handed me the phone and H asked about S bike. I told him I had pumped it up because it was flat but then it was flat again before he got to ride it.
I told him how I brought a puncher repair kit and was going to use it soon.
H told me not to use that because it is bodgy.

I said I didn't have the money right now so it would do for a few weeks until I had the money for a new tube. Well he said he wanted me to go to the bike shop and find out how much a new tube is and call him and he will transfer the money.
Then he told me how he would put it on when he gets back in three weeks time.
I said no I will put it on, i used to do it on my bikes when I was a kid. He kept at it then said that I could either find out how much for them to change it for me or wait until he gets back. I asked him if he thought that I would break the bike.
He said no but I shouldn't have to be doing it, he would do it.
I think I might use the puncture repair kit anyway. I just don't understand him though. It's like he needs me to need him to do things for me.
He has no right to tell me I can't use a puncture repair kit!

Also I told him the kids might be trick or treating this year with mutual friends who are going. (H hasent really liked these friends for a while, I'm not really sure why.)
H went off saying he was sorry but they are not going.
Once he realized I would be there too he was Okay about it.

He finished off the conversation by letting me know he was about to go out drinking.

Me:
So I was out with the kids last night and had a great time. As soon as the kids were in bed, I cried and reflected and was just generally sad.
Today was a busy day having fun with the kids, followed by a BBQ at my brothers house. I was okay most of the time there but H kept popping in to my mind.
Usually he is there too. So it was the first one since he left.

As soon as I got home, the sadness hit again. I think deep down I'm trying to sabotage my detachment. I love him, I don't want to have to detach. I know I have to but I don't want to.
It also really hurts to think H may have gone through this while we were still together. It hurts to think I could possibly have caused him this pain too.

I also feel this deep dispair that maybe it really is too late, maybe the damage is done. H just wants to party and I don't know if that will ever change.
I feel our relationship maybe doomed. Not because I'm not willing to change but maybe because he won't.
I've realized just how much I put up with from H and in the long scheme of things, I deserve better. I don't deserve to be treated like that.

I also realized that through out this, I haven't been angry! When H told me he kissed someone else I never felt anger. I feel deeply hurt, betrayed, lost trust but not anger. I did feel some anger toward OW but I know that's not right. Even then it wasent a deep anger.

I had a couple of days where I thought "f**k him" but it wasent a deep anger, more of just a little frustration.

I've read here about the anger most people face. Maybe I'm not normal? I have grieved and have faced the facts that it happened. Faced the fact that maybe this is perminate. I just don't feel angry. I feel like I almost completely skipped that stage? Maybe it will come in time but I don't see it.

I can see the mistakes I have made and I have forgiven myself. I have also forgiven H. I want him to be happy. I know he didn't do this to hurt me or the children. There's a lot I don't understand but I realize that I don't need to.

I do still have my moments where I try to analyze everything and mind read.
That is just me though. Even before all this, life is like one big jigsaw puzzle to me. Something could have happened a few months ago, and someone can say something now and my mind will instantly click back to a few months before and fill in the jigsaw piece.

I think one of my biggest downfalls is I think too much. My head always has that much going through it. I've always been a very deep thinker. Infact sometimes I find I don't know what to say in conversations amongst groups of people because I have that much going through my head.
I've started mediation but haven't been doing it regularly.
I think that's something I need to start making more time for.

My biggest fear is something happening to my children! I don't know how to get past that. Today while bush walking, we got to a really think bushy part and I started thinking about snakes and when if the kids stepped on one! I ended up suggesting going to the park and the kids happily agreed.

I think that fear is escalating now. I dont want to live in fear but I have no idea how to handle that one.

I think I've handled my abandonment fears. My bio father left when I was a baby and never came back in to my life. I've accepted that now. I was just a baby. That was not a reflection on me but a reflection on who he is.
My brothers father was who I was brought up to know as my father. He never played the part either. I realize now that he already had another girlfriend was before he agreed to telling me he was my father.

I think maybe I was in preschool when he agreed to that. I remember being sad and lonely at preschool. Then one day I remember him coming with my Mum to pick me up one day. I remember being so excited and saying "See there's my Daddy" to the other kids.
Those memories never seemed to make sence before but I'm thinking now that maybe I was singled out at preschool for not having a father. And he agreed to do that.
My Mum has not had a boyfriend since I was born. I think after the second divorce she gave up on men. I think now if she found the right person, she would have another R.

H left,... I love him and u miss him but I realize now that I don't need him. It's okay if he doesn't love me. It hurts but it's it's not a reflection on me. Maybe it is in a way a reflection on who I was but I'm putting that down to not having the life experience to know how to deal with somethings.

When this is all said and done, no matter how it turns out, I know I will be able to honestly say I tried! I fought for our marriage and gave it all I had. I think I'll be able to take comfort in that.

This roller coaster has already changed me. I still have a huge way to go but I do feel a little better about myself already.

H is now at his away job for the next three weeks, so I now there will be no PC for that time, I think that scares me. I don't know why but I have this fear of detachment.
This is already way to long, so I guess I better stop rambling now.
If anybody actually reads this whole post, thank you and I hope it's not too scrambled lol