when h is around and here - i am better able mentally to visualize him not being around and me not folding.
when he's gone i'm more "sentimental" about my life with him (i think). that's sad isn't it?
i don't know if i realize how much i'll miss it when he's gone (so have that realization driven home)
- or when he's around i realize if he's not connected here and if he's going to be involved with ow and disjointed from me- well, it stinks and i think i can't do "this" forever.
