Husband (unfaithful) just told me he wants out.

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks for your input MrBond. Although I asked him that because it's been almost a week with next to no words. I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't an affront, I was asking an honest q. Maybe you're right and it was unnecessary. I have a ways to go.

I thought that coming forward to apologize and as not reacting today in upset or anger when he said he was still leaving was a huge leap for me.


hmmm, it sounds as if you feel you deserve - or expected - to be forgiven - b/c you said you were sorry. Could he say the same thing about deserving forgiveness but not getting it, even after 7 months??

Why would he believe it could ever improve?

yes I know an affair is a huge deal - I do -- but his apologies were repeated in person, and in counseling, and you said you'd "never seen him so humble". But you still withheld the forgiveness. You still held the affair over his head

and whipped it out when you got angry & fought, which evidently is often...

You cannot hold it over his head like the sword of Damacles or throw it in his face whenever you feel hurt.

if you forgive him (and you must if you want to be married)

then you must let it go.

*(That does not mean he doesn't have to make changes to earn your trust but that's a different issue.)

So even though you feel entitled to be "right" (which I do understand)

and to have him be "extra kind" to you b/c he had an affair-which makes most people feel "owed", it is not helpful.

And what I really sense is lacking from you, is insight as to what role you may have played in the affair in the first place.

I'm NOT blaming you. But it happened for a reason, and you two fight very destructively...and

that has not changed.

So why would the marriage improve? I'm being sincere. You guys need NEW TOOLS but you have not gotten them

and yet you both seem to think

the marriage would...magically...get better b/c you wanted it to improve..l EVEN though neither of you changed a single behavior. Each of you is waiting for the other to change "first" or "MORE" to match whatever efforts you have made. Lose the scorecard...

I think reading the DR book again is a great idea.

I'll finish the thread before I comment further except to say that

forgiveness is Not something you do FOR HIM...he doesn't even matter in a way. Meaning, he doesn't even have to know.

it's to free YOU, so you are not consumed by the anger and sense of betrayal you feel so often...

which is why you keep on bringing it up and going on and on about things. My motto is
"Forgiveness is YOUR way out of hell".

As for saving money - and him not - my guess is that YOU wanted to save and he relented to your request/demand, but he did not buy into it. Did you both decide together? IF so, what changed that he would not do it?

Are you sure you weren't just insisting he do what you told him to do and what you are doing (and that you felt owed anyhow)?

If he simply won't or can't save, then get yourself your own IRA (retirement account) and do yourself a favor that way.

More later...



I didn't try to talk about it or change his mind. I told him I disagreed but I supported what he chose to do. And then I did my work and left him alone while he walked around looking like a dark cloud over a serial killer.

I'm going to keep trying, not engaging and being kind. If that's not different, I need to read the books again! Actually I'll do that anyway.

Wait...why would you NOT be kind to him? Being warm, upbeat and kind and polite, are what decent folks do. It's NOT doormat behavior.

Doormat behavior is begging or pleading, and "screaming shrew" is yelling and harping and chasing after him only to nag some more...

Do neither of those^ behaviors.

be a woman of strength and dignity who faces heartbreak with grace.

Read KeepGoing's thread for some great insights into her efforts at change.

Retrovaille is a marriage retreat for marriages in crisis. It's a jumpstart at resolving your problems and then working on them in a solution based way.

many marriage counselors end up rehashing the past and you end up more upset than before you went. OR you'll make a breakthrough but then have to go back to work or pick up the kids and then start over the next visit.

I find workshops or retreats to be far more "efficient" that way.

Focus on what helps the marriage feel/get better and do more of whatever that is....(rent a comedy and watch it around him. Laugh). Be easy to be around. Stay calm...do NOT show him your anger.

GET A LIFE and do NOT look to him for a reaction. Be more independent and get a little mystery in your life. NOT To play a game, but to create some mystery b/c you need to be LESS predictable. Otherwise he'll feel it's all the same.

Do the 180s NOW and from the get go. What were you waiting for, him?

The 180s are first to counter his negative images of you which justify his leaving...with new different positive images of behavior that does not "match up" with his negatives...you want him to second guess his choice to leave.

The other 180s, are what you do for yourself to change so you can become the best you, that you can become.

I think you've bravely started to look in the mirror (where the real journey begins) and taken some inventory. Good for you.

Keep it up and work on YOU b/c you are all you control.

Note that...YOU are all you control. Not him or his choices...the sooner you focus your energy on improving yourself and your life

the sooner it'll get better AND the sooner you'll heal AND the sooner he may notice the positive changes in you.

make sense?