Paperwork almost done, but not me!

[Arsene]

Hey Eyes,

I'm definitely not a vet and I am also still struggling with some of these issues but here is my take on some of your questions.

After thinking about tonights interactions, I have think I have finally accepted the reality of this mess.

I don't want to make the whole nail painting thing sound trivial. It is obvious that my w is deeply troubled by her decisions. For the women out there, is there any of you that wouldn't think it was nice for a father to take his d to get her nails done. By all means I am not doing it for a reaction out of my w. My d is so sweet when she is sitting in the chair, just mesmerized watching the nail tech.

It is a very nice thing you are trying to do with your daughter and if, as you said, there was no ulterior motives in it, you shouldn't be worried about it. Your W is angry with you for lots of reasons and she's struggling with her decision. She is confused and probably feels guilty for imposing this on her kid. She is probably very insecure right now and might feel like you are trying to take her daughter away from her. A similar thing happened with my W, 2 months ago, and it eventually went away. Don't fret over it. You did tell her that if it was that important to her , you would let her take care of it, and even that didn't appease her. Nothing would at this time. Let it be.

I also don't think any of my wifes actions are trivial. I finally realize that she is trying to get reactions out of me. She is as confused about this as I am/was. I commend evryone out there that seem to really grasp DBing in the very early stages of their sitches.

You are right, NOTHING is trivial to her. She is probably constantly questioning her every actions, and yours. It's important for you to try and validate her feelings right now, and stay away from potentially volatile situations.

I don't think there will ever be a time that don't wish this wouldn't have ever happened, because I will always want my family whole. There will always be a scar. It is bittersweet that it takes this for me to really take a hard look at myself and to learn how to keep a relationship filled with love. With that being said I am ready to take that look at myself without wondering if it will help bring my wife closer. It is nice to have a starting point for my IC sessions that I am starting on Monday.

That is the sad reality of our situation but at least we did come to this realisation. How many people just divorce and move on to re-create similar situations because they haven't grown. I wish I'd learned these lessons after my 1st marriage.

So along with keeping away from being angry and bitter, I will also add jaded to that list.

To the vets out there I would be curious to know how your transformations went?

Read as many sitches as you can. Find sitches with things in common with yours and see the progress or lack thereof. Read the mistakes people have made and see how it applies to your own sitch. In the end, the common denominator is TIME. Be patient.

Do we as LBS's go through a similiar healing process as dealing with a death? In essence that is what happened only more difficult due to the lack of finality. I know I have a long way to go, but even when someone says they are done, do they really mean it? Won't there always be a question mark? Heck I don't think there is one ex-girlfriend that I have had that I wouldn't date again. And I don't have any children with any of them.

Yes, from what I've read the process is very similar to the grief you might feel after a death and no, they don't always mean it. The same way they don't always mean for better or for worse until death do us part. Everything is reversible. That is why we are here.

Yikes this started out as a quick post, but things just started flowing.

That's ok. This is what we're here for.

Eyes - "Heres to hoping that I am not posting how miserable I am two days from now."

Arsene - "Not unlikely mate but that's ok, enjoy the good times when you get them. Cheers!"