Husband (unfaithful) just told me he wants out.

[Starbag]

Why do the majority of men tell me "oh he's probably cheating." Some of them don't even know him. Is that usually what's happening when someone threatens to leave, seriously?

I think so. I never thought my H was cheating when he first told me he wanted out. I didn't even question him, I just thought he was unhappy. But later he told me he's been cheating for quite a few months at that point. I was shocked!

[PeteWyo]

Bestgal don't jump to conclusions. Just because that was my experience and some others experiences as well doesn't mean anything. I am a very analytical person and things just didn't add up until I found out about the OM. You are the only one that knows your situation as well as you do. That is for you to decide. Let me ask you another question though? Would it matter if there was another woman? How would that make you feel? Would that change your interest in fixing things? It seems that something I'm your relationship drove him the the other woman 7 months ago. You were willing to forgive him then, what changes now if there is ok fact someone else? That is for you to decide. If you are willing to forgive then become the better option and you can laugh with your H about it a couple years from now. I forgive my W for her affair and if she came back, I'm not saying it would be easy but we could be so much better off than we ever were, with time.

[PeteWyo]

*in fact

[Bestgal]

You know what? No it wouldn't make any difference. There are things that need to be ironed out regardless. I guess I'm just so unclear on if he's really finished. I've had someone tell me he probably wanted to leave for a while, and just stayed out of convenience. It confused me, because I don't see it that way. He's always been loving and complimentary and supportive. This person made it seem as though he was using me, and that the writing had been on the wall for some time.

[PeteWyo]

Well there are two ways to look at this then. Either he really did want to leave for a long time and then would turn around and pretend to love you and act like nothing was wrong. Or he actually didn't have these feelings until recently. Either way the solution is the same, right? So have you thought about what it was that either changed with your behavior, or maybe something that has always been a behavior that would make him feel this way? You can't do any 180s if you don't admit to yourself what needs to change.

[PeteWyo]

I guess I'm just so unclear on if he's really finished.

That is not for you to decide. Even if right now he is finished, you can change his mind by showing him that he doesn't need to leave. You can show him that you are changing the things that he thought he was finished for.

[Bestgal]

Well there are two ways to look at this then. Either he really did want to leave for a long time and then would turn around and pretend to love you and act like nothing was wrong. Or he actually didn't have these feelings until recently. Either way the solution is the same, right?

So have you thought about what it was that either changed with your behavior, or maybe something that has always been a behavior that would make him feel this way? You can't do any 180s if you don't admit to yourself what needs to change.

Yeah, I have thought about it a lot. I do think it's a recent thing with him, although from my end it's always been a behavior that he didn't appreciate, me not letting things go in an argument when he asks me to lay off. And the arguing itself. We both do that, but I'm as much to blame. So that's what I'm working on changing. I know what needs to change, and that's what I'm doing a 180 on. I don't think I'll be different overnight, but I'm hyper aware of my faults. Normally I don't take full responsibility for the arguments, but I feel like in this instance maybe it's me who pushed him away after all. My not reacting to anything I've been witness to this past week is a 180 for me. Keeping quiet when I'd normally get into it. Listening. Being someone he'd want to be around. Earlier tonight was a little more tough, because I was feeling sensitive, and so when he came home and walked in the door, I didn't say hello. It just didn't feel genuine, and I didn't feel like acknowledging him each time I saw him today. So I just kept working. I went out tonight to eat with a friend, who said a week of not talking is nothing in the grand scheme of things. To me it's not nothing, but I can see the point.

[Bestgal]

I'm working it. I equally want him to understand that I regret the way I've behaved, and that he's right about not wanting to deal with that when we argue. I feel like I made him feel bad about himself and it's still out there hanging in the air, unresolved.

[Bestgal]

I feel really angry and hurt right now. I've been really calm and nice and just tried to be patient and just leave him alone. I waved hello to him up on our deck earlier today when I had to go up there for a bit, just to be kind and not heavy or anything. When he came in the house to get ready for work, he asked me if I wanted to come and hold our new reptile again. We hung out like that for about 10 min or so, and it was nice, we had only pleasant exchanges like the other two times we did the same. I thanked him for letting me hold him.

He got a call soon after that he could come pick up his truck (I just bought it and directly after it needed major repairs - which came out to the exact price I paid for it). He looked like he wanted to ask me to drop him off at the mechanic, but he ended up calling a cab co instead. It was still awkward being around each other, and it's not like he's looking at me with any love in his eyes this past week. I told him I could give him a ride no problem and he canceled the cab. I had a feeling this truck was going to be a hot button for us, but that's one of our arguments, and how this whole talk of divorce started - with money and savings.

So on the way, I probably shouldn't have, but I asked him if he was still angry at me. He said he was never angry at me. So I asked what he was, then? He said something like I thought we already talked about this. I asked him if he was still planning on leaving in November then, and he said that he was, that the path we were going down wasn't getting us anywhere or something. I said that I agreed with that.

I said - so you've made up your mind then? And he essentially said that Nov would be the last month he could possibly pay rent, and so he'd move out by that time. I was really crushed but I said nothing more about it.

(Last week after talking about his plans to leave me, he mentioned that he'd sell the truck for me. I told him not to worry about it and that I'd just sell it myself. He said he'd need to get his old truck back on the road, which needed major repairs), and that he'd sell the truck for me no problem. Again I said it wasn't necessary. We didn't talk much further about it. He said something about giving me the deposit for our place when the landlord gives it to us. I didn't agree to it, we just left it at that.

So I said what are the payment arrangements for the newer truck going to be, did you the mechanic say anything about it? He said he was going to talk to him today. And I asked him about him putting his older truck back on the road; he said he'd probably need to get around to doing that. Then he got really angry and said "I told you that you could have the deposit for our place when I moved! How am I supposed to pay for this truck and my other one too, I can't do all this! Now you're telling me this? I can't just not pay and do that to this guy."

I told him that I never agreed to him selling this truck for me, or me taking the house deposit, that I said I'd sell it myself. He then asked "Ok. What amount exactly are you hoping to sell this truck for?", and I said I really didn't know, I needed to think about that. He said, well you do need to know!

I said that I might just take the truck and sell my other car, because it needs a lot of repairs, and that living here by myself will be expensive and I might need the money anyway because of rent (our place is a lot for one person).


So he got mad, saying, "Is this going to be messy now, is that what you're doing? We're going to be getting doing this kind of splitting of things"? I told him he owed me nothing, and that I'd pay for the down payment on the truck, and all the payments - all he needed to worry about was getting his own truck up and running and that he should just focus on going if he wants to go already. Just go!

So far I've put every cent I've earned this summer into this truck. We were supposed to save for it together, but he didn't contribute at all, so I just took care of it with what money I'd put together when his old truck conked out.

He got irate at me and started popping off about this and that, and "see we're arguing again" I told him I don't want to argue with him at all, and again that he owes me nothing. I said I'll pay for the entire truck, down payment and further payments, and we can split the house deposit we'll get back, because I never asked you for that. I told him leaving is your decision, and if that's what you want to do, then go. You're free and clear. He got mad again and yelled that he'd do what he wanted and NO ONE was going to CONTROL his actions or tell him what to do or WHERE TO GO! He would LEAVE when he was READY and when he found a home for HIS DOGS and HIS REPTILE etc. I told him I can take care of them and he yelled louder THEY'RE MINE! I'LL TAKE CARE OF THEM! I told him I'm not telling him to go - he doesn't need to go anywhere until he can find something, and that I'm not telling him when to leave, it's his place too. He said he thinks I should move out - and I said I'm not going anywhere, you want to leave this marriage then you can go, but don't tell me to leave when I pay half the bills. You're living outside in your truck anyway. He got angry again and went on about how he was "trying to be nice" by living outside. I said he wasn't doing it for me, I told him he doesn't need to sleep outside, I had told him that last week.



When I dropped him off, he was still carrying on about well then "we'll both just be living under the same roof in the house until the divorce then!" or something. He's so angry, it's like he hates me. I've just never seen him like this after an entire week. It made me so sad because I felt like he was really serious. Like he never knew me. Like I'm just some horrible shrew trying to control him. I don't want to be that story.

And he's right that arguing is never fun - but I feel like he's using that as a simplistic excuse to leave, to give up and just move on.

I don't want anything messy and I don't want to be mean. And maybe it sounds like I'm being petty with this truck. But I see no reason whatsoever to just hand over a truck that I've paid for without his help, that I've invested in, when he's leaving me high and dry with nothing. It feels like he's just coldly taking whatever he wants, like a child. He isn't concerned in the least about what I'm going to do. He's thinking about himself and what he can get. And that's fine, but it's really the only thing I have that's worth anything right now.

I love those dogs like they're my kids. For 5 years I've done nothing but love them. It's so sad to me to see this kind of nonsense.

[PeteWyo]

Bestgal, that is a tough situation. It stinks that it ended in an argument when it could have been a civil discussion. It sounds from what you are saying he might think you have tried to control him. Have you? My W thinks the same thing about me. Now we didn't fight about it and all I was doing was giving my opinion on what she should do. It turns out she has a huge fear of confrontation and wouldn't have an opinion because she was afraid to get into a fight, which wouldn't have happened. But I digress, it doesn't sound like that has a whole lot to do with your situation. But the similarity that I draw is that he feels threatened and you guys have a communication problem. He sees your comments as controlling or threatening even though that might not be your intention. This might be a perception issue too. Have you guys talked about going to a MC? It's not for every situation but if you guys can learn to communicate effectively it could alleviate some of the tension.