Don't mumble NLW, you are worth so much more than that.
Agree labug...NLW..NEVER forget your worth.
Love you (((( ))))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
If you don't have one, perhaps it is a good time to get a custody / visitation agreement in place with your H.
Please take this advice. It is long overdue. Continuing without a formal custody arrangement has essentially created the current conflict and other conflicts with your WAS and children. Why have you not done so yet?
It really is in EVERYONE's best interest.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but there have been repeated conflicts involving the custody arrangement with your kids and, especially, the growing resentment your kids harbor towards your WAS. Such resentment tends to occur less in the context of a formal custody arrangement in which expectations and responsibilities of both parents acting as parents are outlined AND enforced. I have been urging you to pursue this to anticipate conflicts regarding holidays since LAST YEAR.
Here is one example from December 10, 2011 (and I had already been urging it for some time then):
Originally Posted By: bustorama
One is that you guys should have resolved the time around Christmas awhile ago and between the two of you (not with sneak peeks to the kids) awhile ago. Who has holidays needs to be arranged ahead of time between the parents. Ideally, this should be formalized in some way (either in writing or better through a legal custody arrangement that includes provisions for maintenance). These boundaries protect each of you, and the kids. It also makes things very real for the WAS. I've suggested you do this before, and it is never too late. =)
In most cases of separation/divorce, when one parent has the child, the other parent has to learn to 'let go' of that time, both emotionally and physically. You might make very different choices than your ex-S, but that is not your time to control. You can and should however express safety concerns to your WAS. But don't do this in the form of 'I don't want you to do that because X' Do it as 'You know the thought of D in a single bathroom setup with a lot of single adult men I don't know makes me feel damn scared and uneasy. Can you reassure me that as her Dad you will look out for her in every way?'
You also should be documenting (in writing) any safety/parenting concerns you have re: your spouses behavior for custody reasons.
NLW, why are you not pursuing this to protect yourself and your kids? What do you feel is holding you back?
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Thanks labug. I can't see how it's up to me to say yes or no to stbx's request. It has to be up to the kids.
We don't have a legal agreement about them yet, but we are in mediation.
I probably didn't mumble, just felt like i was being hesitant, cause I really wanted to disagree with stbx and say - It's up to the kids; we can't force them to go somewhere on Xmas day. I felt he was trying to bait me, so was trying to avoid being sucked into another fight.
I can see your point about the advantages of a formal agreement.
I have not pushed the idea to date because the kids have been so adamant that they do not want to be put in a position where they are required to go with their father on a certain day at a certain time.
This is for 2 broad reasons, I think.
1. They do not appreciate what he has done. Basically, he has abandoned them and only comes around when it suits him. He has taken their money from their bank accounts and doesn't seem to recognise that this is even a problem. They have lost thousands of saved dollars. He has also stopped any contributions to the support of our family, and the kids are feeling the lack of funds sorely. Our lifestyle has been severely curtailed. They cannot understand why he is behaving like this. They are also emotionally devastated by his taking up with OW.
2. They lead very busy lives. Before and after school, there is practice for rowing, orchestra, band, basketball, netball, touch football. On weekends there are sports, and visits to very ill grandparents to help out. Also D16 works both weekend days to make some spending money.
Add in some visits to friends' places, and there just isn't much in the way of spare time to go out to dinner with dad.
He is not at all reliable now, so they couldn't plan on him being available to take them to anything that had a fixed starting time. Besides general forgetfulness, he is on-call 24/7 for his business and, so, often pulls out of arrangements at the last moment.
Also, they say he acts weird and gets angry with them easily when they are out with him.
All in all, they have said that they will not be forced to be with him, and if we try to make such arrangements, they will refuse to go with him. Basically, they don't like him, trust him or enjoy being with him at the moment.
I hear your points but i feel like it would be too traumatic for them to be forced into a formal visitation schedule at this time. I think it might even be worse for stbx if visitation were formalised and the kids still refused to go with him.
I have not pushed the idea to date because the kids have been so adamant that they do not want to be put in a position where they are required to go with their father on a certain day at a certain time.
I think you may have misunderstood me. I did not suggest how the time between you should be apportioned or that xW should have custodial or visitation time. Rather, I suggested that a formal agreement needs to be put in place (and if he does not agree to your proposal that you immediately mediate or litigate towards such an agreement). A formal child custody arrangement could be, for example, that you have sole legal and physical custody of the kids 100% of the time and xW is responsible for $#### monthly in child support. And then if he doesn't pay and provide for support (as he has not), you have a legal basis with which to GARNISH his wages. The agreement legally defines who is responsible for the kids, in what fashion, and when.
If he does not like the proposed custody arrangement, then he has to respond in kind and/or potentially change his behavior in order to be a fit parent.
The below is why I said in December that you should be documenting all the things that xW does showing him to be an inadequate parent, so that if you wish to propose and enforce sole custody with him simply providing financial support that you have a basis for doing so and then you also can seek to garnish his wages.
Originally Posted By: NLW
1. They do not appreciate what he has done. Basically, he has abandoned them and only comes around when it suits him. He has taken their money from their bank accounts and doesn't seem to recognise that this is even a problem. They have lost thousands of saved dollars. He has also stopped any contributions to the support of our family, and the kids are feeling the lack of funds sorely. Our lifestyle has been severely curtailed. They cannot understand why he is behaving like this. They are also emotionally devastated by his taking up with OW.
2. They lead very busy lives. Before and after school, there is practice for rowing, orchestra, band, basketball, netball, touch football. On weekends there are sports, and visits to very ill grandparents to help out. Also D16 works both weekend days to make some spending money.
Add in some visits to friends' places, and there just isn't much in the way of spare time to go out to dinner with dad.
He is not at all reliable now, so they couldn't plan on him being available to take them to anything that had a fixed starting time. Besides general forgetfulness, he is on-call 24/7 for his business and, so, often pulls out of arrangements at the last moment.
Also, they say he acts weird and gets angry with them easily when they are out with him.
All in all, they have said that they will not be forced to be with him, and if we try to make such arrangements, they will refuse to go with him. Basically, they don't like him, trust him or enjoy being with him at the moment.
I hear your points but i feel like it would be too traumatic for them to be forced into a formal visitation schedule at this time. I think it might even be worse for stbx if visitation were formalised and the kids still refused to go with him.
maybe I am wrong, but this is my strong gut feel.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
I have to agree that getting a formal agreement in place will settle a lot of this stress.
And it absolutely can say you have the kids 80% of the time, or even 100% of the time. But holidays should be spelled out, and that would settle a lot of issues now and for the future.
You are and have been the caretaker since he moved out, and a court will take that and the kid's preferences into consideration. It also would be helpful to get in writing whether the grandparents can babysit or whether he has first right of refusal.
He should be paying you child support at the very least, and a formal agreement would go a long way towards that. And if it comes from the court, it's probably better than dealing with him directly since he's looking for reasons to be mad at everyone.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I am in mediation with stbx about these matters at the moment.
He has gone very 'formal' on me since this has commenced and will now not go anywhere with me in public when the kids are present.
Hence no birthday dinners, no school events, no kids' sports.
In many ways, he now treats me as the 'enemy'. Which is weird as I am continuing to act as if, not pursue, do 180s, etc. All of these were working well for a while - until we started mediation.
In private, in our house, he is still pretty normal with me - chatty and nice, even. But total refusal to have anything to do with me outside of the home.
I think, too, that OW is putting added pressure on him to cut me out completely. She wants to be his public partner now and my presence makes that difficult.
His recent emails to me are written in a very adversarial, lawyerly tone. Obviously not composed by him. OW has recently been divorced herself and is used to writing court reports as part of her job.
I hope she's getting shrill and naggy!
Her recent experience with her Ex H was that he disappeared completely after the D. Moved interstate and started a family with new W (he and OW had no kids). OW got almost everything in the settlement (house, car, etc).
Dangerous precedent... she has filled my H's head with the idea that this is how D is. One's ex simply disappears, and there's little disruption to lifestyle and possessions.
