The crack in my perfect life...

[Sweetbriar]

Accuray...I have thought about your post. I have given so much thought to this question you ask, way before you even asked it:) I have often thought back of what happened and when...

I do know that the past 5 years have been hard on us a couple. I had my step dad get sick with cancer and die, and he was like a best friend to H. They were extremely close, golfed together every weekend and this was the only person in H's life that had ever died. It will be 4 years ago in March, but he was very sick for a year. I do know that this affected H very much, and also the fact that I helped my step dad and mom very much during this time. I would spend the days there with him since I only worked as needed and I would be home in the afternoon for kids and H.

2 years ago, my mom was diagnosed with Colon Cancer and since she had lost my step dad 1 year prior, she was alone. I felt the need to be by her side through it all and I was. H helped also, as he was ALWAYS close to my family, but I think he started to resent the fact that I helped her so much. I would stay there one or 2 nights a week and help her during chemo. (She lives about 25 mins away) and he would help with kids when I wasnt home. My mom is now fully recovered and doing well...thank god.

Then, the straw was last Nov my dad moved in for a short 3 month period to find a new home. My dad is not easy to live with...drinks a lot and smokes, all of which were outside. This was extremely stressful on my, as my dad and I butt heads, BUT, this was a joint decision and H was the one who said to me that we cannot leave him stranded. He was here still in January of this year and he had an accident and fell. He had a tramautic brain injury and was very close to dead. He was in a coma for weeks and then in the hospital and rehab for more weeks. This was very hard on me, as my dad is also single and I felt, once again, that I had to step up because I didnt work full time, etc...when my dad moved back in after he was released from hospital, he was a lot of work at first. I do think that H was just fed up with me taking lots of time with dad and not him. I admit that he was put on back burner a lot. H then started to head to the bars and that is where he met OW.

I know this is SOME of the issue, as he has brought up many times in arguments that he stood behind me with all my family issues, and I feel horrible when he does because I feel like its my obligation to help out our parents when in dire time of need. I thought he stood behind me, but now realize that he didnt. He said he did, but resented me for helping so much. At one point, he said my dad had to leave and I told my dad that he had to go. (this was just one month after he got back home) and I wrote H a email a work saying that I tearfully told my dad he had to leave. I hope you are happy. I realize now how awful that sounded, but H has never forgiven me for that...he still brings up that email. He says it was that moment he realized I didnt care about him. BUT..he had alrady met OW at that time...so it was an easy out, even though I was not so nice.

My dad moved out as soon as I found out about OW so I could work on our marriage. That didnt help anything..it was too late.

Another thing was work...I have always been a stay at home mom for my kids, but about 5 years ago, H and I decided I would go back part time. I did just that and have been a sub teacher ever since. In the past year, finances have been harder and I know H has said many times that he is "going to die young" becuase of work and how stressed he is. I knew it was time for me to work full time, so I started looking. This was something else he resented..that i got to stay home with kids even though that was our ultimate plan. He brings that up too...that I racked up debt but didnt work to pay it....

Lastly, he is very, very depressed and has been since I met him. H have VERY low self esteem, always needed me to validate him and even would ask once in awhile if I was gonna leave him. He has been in and out of counseling all his life. He was abused physically and mentally by his parents and they have never liked me for taking their "baby" away out of college. THey dont really believe in his mental illness and that doesnt help because they dont see him as sick and needing help. They validate that Im the problem.

I look back now and see that H needed a lot more affirmation that I gave him, although everyone else (family and friends) say that is all I did was try to pick him up all the time when he was down. I did spend a lot of my life walking on eggshells because of his depression and anger. Earlier years were much worse than the later years. I feel like I never pressured him to do anything around the house and he golfed every weekend from March to Nov because he needed it for his mental state. He took 2 trips a year without me on golf vacations with friends and we took no vacations except for our yearly beach trip. We did visit Disney when the kids were younger. I alway resented him for that ..he would spend hours on the computer making golf trips but never a trip for us. It hurt and I expressed that , but always thought..he needed these trips for his sanity.

I will say, that when my dad moved in, his doc took him OFF the anti anxiety med and Im not sure why. H has been switched around since then and even though he is on meds now (if he is taking them) Im not sure they are right. I have known him for 18 years and know what works and what doesnt. I know that his meds arent making him do these things, but I just think that it doesnt help. His meds also made his libido very low and he was self conscious about that for sure. That is one of the reasons he started questioning his meds. He also ALWAYS had an ache or pain...kinda a complainer about that. Kids would even tease him about it becuase it was so bad.

I know that there are many things that I attributed to and I am working within myself to see where I went wrong. I just never saw this happening to us. We really were happy for so long...even as current as New years and Valentines. It just seems like as soon as OW came into picture, he gave up and was gone...telling me that he loved her and it wasnt a fantasy at all.

As I have said before...he did come back a few times saying how sorry he was and that he was being selfish, but he never gave her up completely and that is why it wasnt working each time he came back. He also had stopped taking his meds (I thought for his libido). He has broken it off with her numerous times, as she has he...especially when she found out that he was still wanting to come home and then I was pregnant. I do not know if they are seeing each other now...although I suspect they are.

I know that I do play a part...but his depression has really played a huge part in our whole relationship. He has been so angry at his parents like he is me now so many times in our marriage and now they are his best friends (they are toxic..I promise) and now Im the enemy. I would have done anything to help him through this...but now he has OW to help him and she gave him "complete unselfish and unconditional love" as she wrote in a text to him that he forwarded to me when he was being transparent. (that only lasted so long)

I feel like I dont have hope. I just feel like he is gone and he really believes that there are better things out there for him. He is willing to sacrifice our marriage and all that we have together. His children were everything to him and now a new one is coming that he will barely know:( I just dont see how the OW is worth all of this.

One last thought for now...he never had ANY relationships besides me except for one and it was just sleeping together..no relationship. I wonder a lot if he feels like he missed out on all of that sleeping around and fun that he didnt get as a kid. Now, he wants it all at 36 when he has a family obligation. I know that he did resent his parents for not letting him have friends and hang out when he was a teenager. Now my kids and I may be paying for it, as he is totally not the man I knew. I just can never tell you how involved with ME and the KIDS he was. We were his everything....he always told us and wrote it to me.

I will never understand...and feel like the pain will never go away...as much as I want to change those things he craved, like giving him more attention, and getting a full time job to relieve some of his stress, I just feel like now its too late and I will never get the chance to show him because he is so distant to me. We dont even talk:( When he first left, we at least talked..now we dont:(