Chasing Ghosts

[Denver_2010]

I haven't received any feedback these past few days but have been reading a lot of posts. I have spent the better part of three days reading Denver's sitch and am pumped to fight for my marriage. I love his logic...
Be the better man - This is where you apply all of the DB techniques that you read about.

GAL - this is about enjoying your own life and helps with detachment, but it is also about becoming a better person. A person who is not unhappy, predictable, and bitter towards your situation. Those are all unattractive qualities and don't help "being the better man". GAL helps you have a PMA... helps you have some happiness in your life... makes you seem less predictable... makes you exciting... helps you smile a bit. These ARE attractive qualities, and do help you be "the better man".

180s - Being the better man includes figuring out where you have come up short in fulfilling the needs of your W and your M and fixing them... in yourself. What is it about OM that your W finds attractive? OM is definitely meeting some need that your W has. Whatever it is, you need to start working on it, doing it, doing a 180.

Be the man that your W fell in love with. That person IS the better man when compared to OM. Your W married you!!! NOT OM. Once upon a time, your W chose you as the better man... over all men!! Be that person again! I cannot stress this enough.

These are the weapons that we need to use for this WAR. And don't let anyone fool you, that's what this is if you choose to fight it. You don't fight it with ultimatums to your W, threats to D your W, personal threats to OM, or other tactics that have been referred to on this board as the "hard line approach".

As I said on another thread, I couldn't sum it up any better BD. Add to it time and patience.

Also, right now, because OM is in the picture, you need to be LRT. Being dark or dim is what you should be doing. Let her initiate contact. When she does, politely respond with short, to the point, answers. Don't open the door to further conversation by asking questions of her... let her do it. Let her wonder why you SEEM to be losing interest in what SHE is doing.

It is THAT, plus the curiosity that you create by GAL, that MAY get her to wonder IF she may be losing you. AND THAT is what you need to make progress. To get HER to start thinking.

Nothing will be saved while OM is in the picture. OM will be in the picture until W starts to do some serious thinking about whether or not she really wants to lose you.

Right now, you be the better man by:

1) being a good dad,
2) giving her space and time
3) loving her from afar
4) staying out of the mud (no anger or pressure)

I will try to keep up BD. Good luck man.

Denver