Chasing Ghosts

[Denver_2010]

I took care of all the housework, the dishes, the cleaning, caring for our son, taking care of our dog, the laundry and even some cooking. I thought this was showing my love for her, after all I am a pleaser.

Well that's fantastic, but unfortunately you may be trying to communicate to her in the wrong love language. I ran across the same thing with my W, I assumed her LL was the same as mine and couldn't understand why she didn't respond to my attempts to show her love in that LL. Please read the 5 Love Languages, it'll open your eyes to what you've been doing wrong on this. It opened mine! I discovered my W's LL was completely different and was one I had not been feeding her love through at all!

I began working on things that bothered her. She even said that she noticed some changes but was afraid I would go back to the same old me.

You're on the right track, but DB'ing takes time. It'll take months of consistent 180's before she believes they're real and not just a trick to get her back.

I agreed and decided that our S would stay in the house and we would take turns leaving.

Do not leave. If she wants S, then tell her you understand and support her decision. But if that's what she wants then SHE needs to leave. SHE needs to suffer the consequences of leaving the home, finding a new place, moving stuff, paying new bills, etc.

After some soul searching I printed out the papers and began filling them out.

Don't do that! If she wants formal S or D, then let her fill out the papers. You can support her decision without actually helping her fill the papers out.

For some reason she wouldn't sign the papers.

She's confused and doesn't know what she wants. That's why it's important for you not to argue with her and not to help the process along. Often when a WAS faces the reality of seeing it all in black and white on paper, they back off.

The OM spent Labor Day in my house, in my bed. I was sick to my stomach. I couldn't sleep, eat, much less breath.

This is one of the reasons you don't want to leave the house. It's also a boundary you should have established with her- no OM in your house.

The texting began almost 6 months ago and the PA has been going on at least 2 and a half months. I could use some reassurance that I am doing the right thing and that our marriage can be saved.

Yes, it can absolutely be saved. MANY marriages have survived infidelity. There are no guarantees, but follow DB principals and even if the M isn't saved you'll emerge better, stronger and more confident. Most affairs last less than 6 months. Initially there's a dopamine release that gives people those "puppy love" feelings, but it goes away in a matter of weeks or months and that's when the reality of what they're doing hits home. Often they realize the new sitch is no better than the old one, or may even be worse. That's usually when the A ends. Plus the whole excitement thing of having an affair wears off too.

In the meantime, you need to take stock of what happened in your M and your contributions to the problems, and you need to do 180's on those things. You need to show your W a stronger, more confident you. Think about what you were like when she met you and try to be more like that guy. You mentioned being a QB, I bet you were heavy on the alpha. But then you mentioned you now do all the household stuff, that's all beta. Beta makes women feel comfy, but it doesn't attract them to men like alpha does. Get in touch with your alpha side again. Check out the Married Man's Sex Life Primer for some great info on alpha versus beta behavior.

I know I screwed up along the way and never should have moved out of the house but I panicked.

If you can figure out a way to get back in then do so.

but would it be best to just let her go?

No, it would not be better. Divorce does not fix anything (unless there's physical violence involved). Kids suffer significant harm in D and it's usually something they carry throughout life. D very rarely makes either spouse happier and often makes them far less happy. No one wins in D. Sometimes no matter how hard you fight it still ends up there, but at least if you fight you can rest assured you did what you could.

It's seems that's the only way she will wakeup out of the fog.

No, that won't do it. Only time and space will bring her out of the fog.

Hi BD. I am catching up, so may have a few replies in a row.

First, I am sorry that you have to be here on this board. It is a sh!tty situation for anyone to have to go looking for this place. That said, it is a wonderful place, with wonderful people, to get support and advice from others who have been, or are, in your shoes.

You have already been through a lot with this. I know how emotionally exhausting it can be. One of the most important things for you to do is to take stock of your emotional fuel to keep going. Preserve when necessary. Seek out outlets to refuel when necessary.

I agree with most of what AS told you. 5LL's is great. I highly suggest it as well. The other book, the Married Man's Sex Planner, I have not read so I can't give you an opinion. Take AS's word for it though as he has been through a lot as well and give good advice.

The only thing that I'm not positive that I agree with is that moving on is not the best thing to do. I'm not saying that I do NOT agree, but I think that it is a personal choice. That is a question that only you can answer my friend.

So, let me ask you...

1) WHY do you want to save your M?

Based on the facts of your situation, another question keeps popping up in my mind...

2) Do you believe that you would EVER be able to trust your W again?

Okay... back to reading.