Thank you very much, Labug, Tori and MKB for your insights--really thought-provoking and helpful.
H isn't back yet. God knows what time his train gets in this evening. He's left it vague and I haven't pushed for information. He's only here briefly as he leaves early tomorrow morning to go to my father's.
He called this morning and said he'd be back late but that we could talk a bit. That means he won't go straight to his study. Usually, his idea of talking is much shorter than mine. I think we're still catching up and he wanders off. Still, he is offering to talk as he has this idea that I like talking. I guess over the years, I've complained that we haven't talked or caught up.
I will try to listen and be strong on WOA. Even though H loves to travel, visiting my father and step-mother for 4 days will be pretty hard-going because my father's alzheimer's is far gone. H will be helping with the B&B guests (by being there and talking with them!) and with the internet and website. He will have delicious food and lots of wine but the house will probably be freezing. So while him going to see them is an adventure, it is also helpful of him. They are paying for his plane ticket to thank him for doing the website for the B&B (which my step-mother runs).
When H explodes, I either tell him he's being ridiculous or I try to reason with him and show him how illogical he is or I cry! Staying calm and walking away would be very different--a real 180.
Labug, thank you very much for clarifying boundaries. It helps.
H has outbursts when he feels disrespected. Sometimes I can see it coming but other times I feel he is really over-reacting. He claims that I'm very emasculating. I figure that I wouldn't be if he were more of a man and then we go in circles.
Because he's very absent-minded, I do remind him of lots of things. Sometimes, he reacts very badly to my tone of voice. I feel that I'm actually being pretty patient given how out of it he can be but obviously I sound a bit patronising. Here is a typical example. He might ask me what time D15 needs to be at her swimming lesson and I'll respond that she hasn't had swimming lessons in years. This actually happened. He would then feel that my tone was off and I'd be thinking that his question is enough to try anyone's patience.
He doesn't hold information about the family and I do feel exasperated by it sometimes. Every time he's been away on a trip (which happens a lot), the whole family's routines are gone from his head. His brain is like a sieve when it comes to practical details but not when it comes to current affairs, chemistry, music, etc... He has encyclopaedic knowledge about many things. He's definitely on the autistic spectrum but it doesn't stop it being really annoying.
Let's hope the short time I see him tonight goes well. Thank you so much for the feedback.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
H still not home. I'm worried that he's with POW and/or drinking and that I'll feel and act distant when he gets back. I will have trouble believing what time his train really got in.
He'll start saying that I look as if something's up and he'll get defensive and it will be a downward spiral. What really gets me going is when he asks me questions that he'd know the answer to if he'd listened to me earlier in the day. I have a really hard time not letting him know that I've already answered his questions. He then thinks that I'm treating him as if he is an idiot.
I have lots of patience with S13 who is very severely impaired so it's much more straightforward. I have very little with H who is meant to be all there!
He HATES feeling that I'm critical of him. He goes on about how in my eyes he can never get it right, how he's never felt loved by me, that I just don't get him and never will, that he's given up on me ever understanding him, etc... All this to say that I'm wondering if any of you can see how I can 180 some of these complaints.
I feel that he tries my patience and then blames me for getting irritated with him.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
He's home and sober. We chatted a little and now he's gone down to get his stuff ready for tomorrow. He's sent me a link since he went down to his study!
I initiated a hug. He hesitated but responded. I wonder whether he thought I just wanted to check up on whether or not he smelled of alcohol which is why he hesitated. He didn't smell of alcohol but that wasn't my motivation. I could tell just by looking at him. I just wanted to welcome him home.
He said he was leaving at 7am tomorrow but would get S13 up before he left. I was a bit perplexed because tomorrow is Saturday and S13 doesn't need to get up early. That's the sort of exchange that throws me. I just said, "you might as well just leave him". He took it well.
Typically, I'm in bed and he's in his study.
Anyway, so far so good.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Yes very neutral. Honestly, I can see where that would be aggravating. Perhaps a gentle nudge like you gave him tonight rather than pointing out that tomorrow is Saturday. Surely, he will realize that when he gets up and checks his schedule?
One of the things Michelle talks about is cheeseless tunnels. More of the same. So if he has actually gone so far as to verbalize that he feels that you are critical and he "does nothing right" then what have you got to lose by not doing those same things over and over? Nothing. Everything to gain. If it is Saturday tomorrow I likely would have said something like- S would probably rather sleep in! Or something to let him know it was Saturday but not in a negative way. How you responded was great! The other thing is beginners mind. This is my big problem. Don't assume they know what you are thinking or that you know what he is thinking. Speak to him like you would a stranger almost. Polite. No judgement.
Don't forget the reinforcement either. When he got home you should have said point blank- I am happy to see you! Because you were right? You were also happy he wasn't drinking. You don't have to say that. Just reinforce how nice it is for him to be there.
Remember do the opposite of your normal. :-) Because we know that so far what we have been doing hasn't been working. Or that is my take on it and my own situation. It doesn't really matter how good I think I have been. What matters is what H thinks. We can't work on a thing if there is so much anger and animosity that he doesn't want to.
You can do this! Glad tonight went well! You said he is leaving in the morning. Is he going on another trip?
Hi Wendy, I've seen you post on many of the same threads that I do. The friends that I've found here, so I figured I'd take a few to read up on your sich. Start to finish = wow, you are feeling the normal feelings and you are doing a good job for you. I'll hopefully post more "meaningful" comments now that I'm becoming familiar with the details of your sich. For now, know that you have another fan cheering for You!
He HATES feeling that I'm critical of him. He goes on about how in my eyes he can never get it right, how he's never felt loved by me, that I just don't get him and never will, that he's given up on me ever understanding him, etc... All this to say that I'm wondering if any of you can see how I can 180 some of these complaints.
I feel that he tries my patience and then blames me for getting irritated with him.
The bolded section is the cycle. You must break this cycle. Since you can only control yourself, this means you must stop getting irritated, and stop being critical (in his eyes). Maybe just accept him for who he is?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Thanks, Tori, for the nudge. Yes, no news means nothing eventful at this point. Other people's sitches seem to have a lot more going on!
H left early yesterday morning and has been checking in pretty often by phone. He is with my father and stepmother and I think he's finally realising that it is a holiday with strings attached. He is helping my stepmother with my father (whose Alzheimer's is progressing quickly) and with B&B guests that are staying with my father and stepmother. I would have advised him not to accept the invitation if he was looking for R&R but he is always up for an adventure and I kept my mouth shut for once. He sounds a bit low and I'm tempted to say, "Well, what did you expect?" I haven't done that obviously. They don't turn the heating on so the house is freezing and my father can't make sense and gets really frustrated and aggressive. Meanwhile, my stepmother fusses about details and ignores the big problem: my father's condition.
Anyway, I'm holding the fort with the kids and enjoying the peace and quiet of not worrying too much about H and his whereabouts. I don't know if/how much he's drinking, but I know where he is and I know there is no POW there! I try to be supportive when he does phone. He wants to write a piece about my father for me and my brother and sister to know the latest on how he's doing. It seems a bit pompous and over the top but once again, I'm trying to validate. I figure he could just tell us but it seems he wants to write about it.
Saturday morning he had told me he had to leave the house by 7 am. I woke up at 7.10 and he was still in bed so I woke him up. Turned out his alarm was on Saturday time so hadn't rung! He thanked me for waking him up. It is typical of him to mess up in this way but if I check on him he gets really annoyed that I treat him as if he's an idiot. So, in the past I might have said, "Remember to set your alarm" and he'd respond with "For X's sake, what do you take me for?" I then get hurt that he's angry when I'm only trying to help and there is a precedent of him messing up. I do think he's forgetful and he is!
This brings us back to what you highlighted, FY, in our sitch. You're right: I somehow need to accept that H is someone who muddles through when it comes to details and practicalities. Maybe I'm better off erring on the side of letting him miss appointments and annoy people. Typically, I err on the side of reminding him and helping him (and annoying him quite a few times in the process).
Thank you very much MKB and Andrew for checking in as well. You are right, MKB, that I have nothing to gain by doing the same thing over and over again. The result is that I feel like the only adult and he acts like a delinquent, rebellious teenager. I need to change. H gets back the day after tomorrow. I need to prepare myself for the fact that he'll be clueless about the fact that S13 is on half-term but that the other two are back at school this week.
I just wish that I didn't find times when he's away so much easier than times when he's here. For a start, I sleep so much better without his snoring. I still think I'm better off being married to him for a thousand and one reasons though.
Me: 51 H: 52 T: 23 yrs M: 19 yrs S18, D16, S14 (special needs) PA: 2003/2004 Piecing: 2004 on Suspect H had EA: 8/2012-12/2012
Wendylon- you sound stressed and resentful. No offense meant. I feel and have felt the same way many times. At this point, I say yes, let him miss appointments or be late. Also, if he is clueless about the half term thing then he is just clueless. (I am as well since I am in the states. lol) In a nutshell, if your H has to deal with the actual natural consequences I guarantee that he will start to change his habits. Secondly, by trying to protect him or take care of him in the end it is just pissing you off. Not good. Let it go. Let him deal with it. If it were me, I would get a big calendar and put it up with things clearly marked. Tell him you are doing it and put it where he can plainly see it. Then- if he still doesn't notice the weight is off you but so is the responsibility. Suddenly, there is no one to blame but himself.
