Now #3 will be where they will test you the most. My parents never, ever told me but one time and I obeyed them. If I hesitated, they may ask if I heard them (which was the only warning I'd get) and then if I didn't move very quickly, I paid the consequences. There was no yelling, period! It was all done with calm authority. I used the same rule with my children. I wasn't abused and neither were my children. And guess what? Nobody ever minded seeing us come to their house with our kids, b/c they minded us.
Sandi2, May I ask you what specific things you and your parents did or used as consequences? I am really, really struggling with getting both my D4 and D3 to obey me on the first try and would love to know what worked in your situation. If you have time, perhaps you could post on my own thread so we don't turn the focus away from JamesH, unless he wants to hear that as well. Thanks!
JamesH, I am sorry for the hijack!
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
I didn't see your post, so okay, I'll just say it here.
This may be more than you had wanted (lol) but here goes:
First, let me assure everyone that I’m not suggesting that parents should whip or beat their kids. But I do believe very strongly in old fashion spanking on the backside where there is padding. That isn't always popular with some, but if applied correctly, it works better with smaller kids than anything else I've observed, or read about. I was eight years old the last spanking I received from my dad. My parents would have been considered strict (especially in our society today), but they also showed me equal amount of love & affection. I thought it worked pretty good, and that’s the principle I used when I had my own kids.
My way of thinking about it is that when the kids get too big to spank, you have to use other methods that will have a bigger impact than a spanking. Most of us take some privilege away for a time. Something the kid like to do or a favorite object. But if you use this method when they are only two or three years old……I don’t think it works well. I don’t have much for the so-called “time out”, either. Perhaps b/c the people I saw use it didn’t have much success with obedient children. I’m sure “The Nanny” would not approve of my spanking, but she goes home at the end of the show. The parent is the one that stays behind to live in the house with the kids. Whatever method that one chooses should be age appropriate. Do they understand why they are being punished, and how long should it last, and what is their attitude during & afterwards? If the child is not remorseful, and especially if he/she has an “attitude” when they are disciplined, it obviously isn’t the right method. As long as that kid is slinging anger insults (which should never be tolerated in the first place) or showing acts of rebellion, I personally believe in most cases (if the child doesn’t have mental problems) that the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. Either the parent has been too harsh and the punishment over-done, or the parent has been too soft. Had the child rather have his favorite thing taken away for bad behavior……or had he rather be obedient and keep his favorite thing? If it doesn’t matter to him…..them you’ve got big problems! Our school district has not used corporal punishment the last dozen years. The teachers have no control and the students are the ones ruling the classrooms. They have no respect for the teacher, principal, bus driver, or anyone in law enforcement. So how do children grow up having respect for any form of authority in society when they aren’t taught when they’re little? I can tell you where a good percentage ends up……in prison. That’s not what we want for our kids. That’s why we have to begin teaching them to have respect when they are two years old.
Knowing the right balance of how much, how long, what kind, etc., is what keeps parents on their knees in prayer. Take my word for it…..it’s so much easier when they are small. The hard part comes later.
BTW, I read parenting books written by Dr. James Dobson. I think he's the best!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
so the weekend is here. reflecting on the week I have had it all seems rather odd still.
wife and I are getting along very well, she is being considerate and thoughtful towards me and I am hoping that this is in direct response to my 180's rather than some form of pity about my/our situation.
we are communicating much better than we have done in a long time and I am making sure we get to have some quality time together.
I have started going out for runs / long walks, I am dressing better and I am more confident around the home (although that's never a problem for me at work -go figure!)
the only thing that isn't any different is the sudden freeze of any kind of physical contact.
I hope with time and the continuation of my 180s she will become attracted to me again.
is it really possible for a woman to reignite the desire for her husband even at this stage?
sometimes it feels so hopeless yet other times I am very sure we will get through this.
Why would you not feel confident in your own home?
Oh sandi, sandi... When your wife tells you she's given up on you because you're a failure, says she's not in love with you, and in my case that she never was, I can vouch first hand for the loss of confidence I felt in my own home. AND, it even started to follow me into other area's of my life like work.
Thankfully, I figured out that I didn't really fail as bad as she said I did, and I was worthy of love after all. And it only took a me a couple months to figure this out. lol
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
so, last night we ended talking about relationship.
I didn't start it but it definitely went in the wrong direction. wife says she has only viewed our relationship for the past 3 years as best friends, not lovers. has tried very hard to feel differently but is not attracted to me in that way anymore!
