Chasing Ghosts

[Arsene]

Hey BD,

Sorry that you had to find yourself posting here but in our sitches, it's the best place to be with the best people to talk to.

You've been getting excellent advice from AS so I have nothing more to add except for this little thing on detachment.

You may be misunderstanding detachment. It's not the same as going dark. Going dark is the LRT, and it's called "last resort" because that's what it is. You use it when all else has failed. Detachment is pulling back and being a bit mysterious. If W sends 3 texts, respond to 1 a few hours later, then maybe the next right away, then maybe the next not at all. And when you respond, be friendly, not cold and short. The idea is to show her a confident, happy you that she can't live without, but in a way that makes her wonder if you've decided to move on without her. If she calls, answer sometimes and other times let it go to voicemail and call back an hour later. If you go out to a movie by yourself and she asks where you were just say you were busy. Things like that.

From what I understand, detachment is not an action you do but a state of being. It's the ability to not be affected by everything your W says, does, doesn't say or doesn't do. It's accepting that what is simply is and that your reaction to things or feelings about them won't necessarily make things better.

Here is a link to a description of detachment which might be useful.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

I think it's one of the most difficult things to deal with simply because we are emotionally attached to our Spouses and therefore affected by what they do.

This will undoubtedly create an aura of mystery about you as AS says, as you'll behave as you might if you'd decided to move on.

BTW, I'm a big fan of Denver as well. Very insightful and definitely a loving approach to DB, IMO. Lots to learn from those threads.