Ex-gf had a talk with a mutual friend and basically she's running around telling ppl I've abused her but she doesn't want a legal battle so she's just working on moving out. If I act like a "d*ck" or things escalate she will get legal help. So pretty much I'm stuck having to play nice for now or she's going to lawyer up and I'll have to defend myself from all sorts of false accusations.
I'd say she's blowing smoke. First, if she tries to claim there's abuse the first question she'll get from ANYONE (officer, lawyer, judge, etc.) is "then why are you still living there?" Second, how exactly does she plan on paying for a lawyer when she's totally mooching off of you right now? Get another loan from you??? Honestly JZ, this is well past the point of being ridiculous. You need to put the eviction proceedings back in place pronto. This time don't tear up the papers, see it all the way through. If you have anything valuable in the house then put it in storage. Protect yourself and your assets. Time to detach and go dark. Don't fall back into your old waffling mode, detach and stick with it. Totally remove yourself from the equation, all kid duties are 100% her responsibility until they're gone. You take care of you. Let her take care of herself and her brood.
She's telling multiple people that I pushed her during that last arguement.
Why is she still living there? Her response will be that she has nowhere else to go.
How will she pay? She will get a feminist domestic violence lawyer for free. Also, friend ended up telling me she has gotten emergency food stamps and cash assistance and is looking at how to get more child support from each kids father.
She's setting up a peaceful (yes, it will cost me some $$$) exit at this point. Friend said that she just wants out and is working hard at getting out ASAP. If I make things difficult she is going to retaliate. So if I start eviction again she's going to come after me for abuse.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
WAW assumes that the H doesn't realize the W is planning her escape. He believes that when the complaints and arguements stop all is well. Then he's blown away on D-Day and starts chasing like crazy which leads to him realizing he needs to LRT.
What happens if you know your SO is a WAS? I know that she's planning her escape and so now she's being nice to my face and avoiding arguements. Her biggest complaints are that I didn't listen to her and value her input on anything, that I didn't make her feel welcome and was actually making her feel like I didn't want her around, that all I wanted her around for was her body, and that she appreciated all the financial support and attempted to repay me by creating emotional support and an emotional connection between the two of us.
If I do full out LRT: I don't help financially, I don't help with the kids, don't let her use the car, don't help with laundry, don't do any of the loving acts (loving in her LL) then aren't I just re-inforcing what she already believes about me? That I don't want her around? That I am the mean, cruel, selfish person she believes me to be right now?
I understand detaching in the way that I stop pressuring and pursuing her. I stop saying ILY or "I care about you", I don't go trying to be romantic with flowers or other romantic gifts, I don't make her feel pressure to work on the R, and I give her some space and time to think about things and take it slowly if she shows signs of reconcilliation. But should I not really do LRT but rather action-oriented 180's? Do the laundry as a loving act, help with the kids without being asked, if she brings up an idea of how to do something really listen and consider it rather than shoot it down, and just become that caring loving guy she first met?
I don't tell her, I just show her with my actions, I do my 180's for the stuff she complained about while not pressuring her about having an R with me? I'm also doing the 180's b/c that really is the guy I want to be, I don't like the guy I've become.
I mean, given my sitch and all my screw-ups can this still be salvaged if I approach it in this manner?
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
I knew Fri that she was lying to me about where the Halloween party was but I didn't say a word about it. We had a little contact early in the day Fri but nothing else. She stayed away overnight and mid-day Sat texts, "Hey" so I respond "Hey.
Her: "sorry I stayed at my cousins last night. I like to tell you due to the suv. I'm not home yet not sure when I will be but I will be over then." Me: "Ok no problem" Her: "Ok"
No more texts and no more contact until Sat evening when I'm already home and she gets home from wherever she's been. I ask NO questions about anything. When she starts talking to me I'm pleasant and upbeat without being over the top and just stay cool. Another one of her sisters comes over and as they talk about stuff that happened the night before I show no interest, I don't even look at them. The more this goes on where I'm detached without being mean or cold she finally asks me if I'm ok and I say yes and ask why she would ask. She says she's having a bad day and I just tell her I'm sorry to hear that.
She goes out with her sister again for the night and I ask NO questions, even tell them to have a good night. She gets home after 2am (I still couldn't sleep well b/c I knew they were going to the bar again) and I wake up b/c of it. I say hi and she apologizes for waking me. I tell her not to worry and ask if she had a good night. She says no and tells me how she wasn't feeling good and still isn't. I might have made a mistake at this point b/c I tell her, "don't take this the wrong way, would you like something more comfortable to sleep on" meaning in bed with me. She asks why she would take that the wrong way and I say b/c of how things have been lately. She says she doesn't want to keep me up b/c she is restless and appreciates the offer. I'm cool through all of this and wish her a good night.
Now, I know it was risky offering the bed but I was trying to think what the "old me" would do. The "old me" would hate to have her sick and uncomfortable when she can at least get comfy in the bed rather than on a camping cot.
This morning she asks if I want to go to the grocery store with her. I agree and in the car she reveals to me that she got food stamps and tells me a bit about her trip to the courthouse about public assistance stuff. On the way to and from the store she's telling me about Fri & Sat night. I think she admitted to going to the bar on Fri to see how I would react. She even mentions how she let her friend use her costume Sat night. I don't react negatively to any of this. I react the way the "old me" would, just listen and have a good conversations. We laughed and in the store worked together on the shopping. There's some conact between us and we talk about the football game she wants to watch and it was a nice time.
We get home and she's going to help bring in the groceries but I tell her to go relax since she isn't feeling well. She takes a nap while I put stuff away. Part way through the baby wakes up and she asks if I'll watch her since she has a migraine. I agree and it's no trouble, I have a good time with the baby. She finally wakes up and says I didn't have to let her sleep that long. I tell her it was no problem since I knew she wasn't feeling well and now she says she feels better. We put on the football game and she's enjoying watching it and she's talking to me and being more open about sharing stuff. I don't ask questions, I don't pry, I just have good conversations with her and enjoy what she is giving me.
I might have pushed a little too far at one point. The baby was crawling on the couch and we were on opposite ends. We had our legs up to block the baby from falling. She was putting her foot on my leg and apologizing...of course I told her not to worry, I love any touch from her these days. At one point I take her foot and put it on my leg to create a barrier but she doesn't want to do that so I back off immediately.
She tells me more of the stuff that happened last night to make it a bad night and I just listen. She was definitely sharing with me more like the old days. She had gotten stressed out over stuff that had nothing to do with me and now was venting to me.....this is what happened early in our R. Overall, it was very nice and I think I put off better vibes about the football game.
After the game she took the baby to visit her mom and get some water for the baby. I made no complaints and asked no questions. I carried the baby out for her even though she told me I didn't have to. When she said that I replied, "I know I don't have to." I did it b/c that's what the "old me" would do.
So, I've been very careful not to be pushy or display chasing behavior. No ILY or I care, I didn't bring up topics that have led to arguments, I wasn't needy or clingy, I was strong and confident and attractive ever since Fri. I know I'm not out of the woods, I know things could still go really bad really fast, but I've changed and she's changed. I think she was testing me at times by bringing up heated topics and I passed them all. I'm doing what she's been wanting, just having a nice day with her. I really think I was getting to her b/c she asked me if I was ok and I had displayed NO behavior that would indicate I wasn't ok...she wasn't ok and couldn't understand my drastic changes.
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Ugh, this morning was going well but there was one major drawback. We are in PA so this storm isn't completely on us but it could get worse where we live. We are using one car so she had to drive me to work. We are getting ready and I'm helping with the baby and make breakfast and everything. We are talking and her family is freaking on her wondering why I have to go to work and telling her to be careful. So one family member wants her to stay with them if the power goes out since I have electric heat and the family member has gas. Then the same family member is saying that after she drops me off at work she should get her mom to ride out and drop off the car for me so she doesn't have to pick me up late tonight.
She's tired so I'm trying not to get on her nerves with anything since we had a nice day yesterday and both verbally ackowledged it to each other. When she drops me off she mumbles something about letting me know if she's going to drop off the car. I ask in case she's going to stay with the family member and she gets irritated saying no, just so she doesn't have to drag the kids out at 10pm at night in this weather to pick me up. She gets irritated and says that I don't ever listen to her and it irritates her. She asks if I didn't hear that conversation earlier in the morning and I say I did, that she said different a few different things.
She's getting more irritated and I can feel myself starting to raise my voice. I take a deep breath and calm down and say that I'm not arguing with her and I'm sorry she feels like I don't listen to her. I diffuse it the best I can even though she still doesn't look happy. So now when we tell each other to have a good day it isn't as upbeat as it was over the weekend :-/
After a little while she calls me and tells me the kids are staying with their dads tonight in case the power goes out b/c the dads have gas heat. She says her mom heard that the national guard is trying to keep ppl off the roads. So if it's bad or if the state/city makes declares an emergency and the owner won't let me close early that I might have to sleep at work. I wasn't really saying anything b/c I am at work and was trying to take in everything she was telling me so when she doesn't get an immediate response from me she says, "I would hope our lives are more important" and I said "yeah" and she was apologizing. I said I'd check into things but so far haven't found out anything about the national guard shutting down our city.
I HATED how she complained about me not listening to her...it's one of those things she's complained about for awhile in our R and part of the problem stems from her mumbling or speaking softly or trying to talk to me when she's not even looking at me which just makes it plain hard to hear her. She'll say something out of the blue like we were having a conversation and b/c she says it so softly I can't understand what she's getting at, so then she gets pissed b/c it's me not listening. I did my best not to argue about her feelings on the matter but I did end up defending myself a little bit.
I also didn't like the interaction on the phone. She already feels like I don't care about anybody but myself so that's why she jumped right to throwing the "our lives are more important" at me. Of course it doesn't matter that I didn't question her about the weekend (even though I was worried about her saftey while she was out drinking and such) or that I helped and helped whenever she was around over the weekend. It doesn't matter that I've been doing everything I can to show her that I care about her and the kids...one little thing and I don't care anymore.
I hate this b/c it seems like I make strides forward over the weekend and it starts to fall apart in one morning. I have no idea if she's seeing me differently or just putting on an act and still planning on escaping me ASAP.
I mean in DR it talks about how when you chase and push and stuff you take the focus off the failing R and put it on you. They don't have time to think about anything other than getting rid of you or getting away from you. So I gave her space over the weekend and when we were together I did my 180's. I'm trying hard not to act like nothing happened, that all is ok, but I am trying to act like the "old me" she wants.
I also find it interesting that if she's so concerned about what a mean abusive person I am, why did she spend most of yesterday alone with me? With the baby around? Having me help take care of the baby without supervision?
“People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Abraham Lincoln
Why is she still living there? Her response will be that she has nowhere else to go.
No lawyer, judge or police officer would believe that for a second. If you're the subject of domestic violence then you leave even if it means living in a shelter.
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How will she pay? She will get a feminist domestic violence lawyer for free.
No. A lawyer will not help for free unless she can offer a police report and show evidence of the violence (photos of bruises, etc.) Saying she got pushed during an argument is not going to get her a free lawyer.
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What happens if you know your SO is a WAS? I know that she's planning her escape and so now she's being nice to my face and avoiding arguements.
You tried to kick her out. She's not a WAS and she's not "escaping", she's just following through on your (and her) wishes.
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If I do full out LRT: I don't help financially, I don't help with the kids, don't let her use the car, don't help with laundry, don't do any of the loving acts (loving in her LL) then aren't I just re-inforcing what she already believes about me? That I don't want her around? That I am the mean, cruel, selfish person she believes me to be right now?
Alright, 2x4 time You have never once done any DB'ing for more than maybe a few hours despite all of us telling you to expect it to take months. You do a little and then just revert back to "more of the same" behavior within hours or a day or two. Now you're wanting to know if LRT will work, no it probably will not work. LRT only works if you've done 180's and done them consistently over a long period of time. Once W sees consistent changes, THEN you can do LRT because THEN she will start saying "gee, he turned into the guy I always wanted and now I may be losing him, what do I do?"
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But should I not really do LRT but rather action-oriented 180's? Do the laundry as a loving act, help with the kids without being asked, if she brings up an idea of how to do something really listen and consider it rather than shoot it down, and just become that caring loving guy she first met?
Yes, but 180's must be done consistently, over many months time before expecting a different in the R.
So I gave her space over the weekend and when we were together I did my 180's. I'm trying hard not to act like nothing happened, that all is ok, but I am trying to act like the "old me" she wants.
Here we go again. One weekend of giving her space is like taking one step in a marathon. It's just the very, very beginning. If you want to run a marathon to lose weight, do you take one step and then go back in to jump on the scale to see how much weight you've lost? You're not seeing results because you're not even off the starting line yet.
"I'm sorry she feels like I don't listen to her. "
Never agree with her on a point like this when she's wrong. Tell her that she said something differently and leave it at that. When she again blames you that you don't "listen", tell her that you listen perfectly fine, but that she's the one not communicating. And that since she doesn't want to go to C to learn how to communicate better, she doesn't have anyone to blame but herself.
You have to stand up for yourself and hit her with truth darts every now and then.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have a question. Yes, I have done things wrong. However, the paperwork is literally with the courts now. Does a LRT have a chance to work with the small amount of time I have left? It is what is recommended in the book with my situation. I have shown some 180's, but like you said, it takes time.
BD: 8/20/2012 W Files: 8/23/2012 S: 8/25/2012 (I moved out) D Final: 3/5/2013
You have never once done any DB'ing for more than maybe a few hours despite all of us telling you to expect it to take months. You do a little and then just revert back to "more of the same" behavior within hours or a day or two. Now you're wanting to know if LRT will work, no it probably will not work. LRT only works if you've done 180's and done them consistently over a long period of time. Once W sees consistent changes, THEN you can do LRT because THEN she will start saying "gee, he turned into the guy I always wanted and now I may be losing him, what do I do?"