I don't think that is a good idea NinaNina. It might make him mad at his friend for sticking his nose in his marriage. Then your H will be mad at you because he will think that you sent him over even if his friend tells him you did not. Really the best thing to do is have no contact, it brought me peace and it brought him back. But, now I am not really sure I want him back.
Thanks Ready2Quit, This is not up to me if this friend goes or not. He told me he wants to talk to him about life, not about marriage, unless my H brings it up. But you make some good points, I start to think that it's not a great idea either now. Good intentions don't work that well after I think about it. I think I'll have to talk to him again, tell him my concerns, before he decides to go or not. Thank you!
I just don't know why he isn't telling me anything. And the last time I saw him, he even said he basically decided to come back!!! And I know it's a lie now but why did he say that.
I doubt it was a lie. See this DB 180 tip:
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
Even if he's not hurting and scared, he is confused. He doesn't know for sure what he wants. He is probably waffling back and forth a lot. So he wasn't lying when he said he wanted to come back, but he may very well have changed his mind the next day. He's going to cycle like this a lot.
Originally Posted By: NinaNina
One thing that might be happening soon is, One of H's friends is going to talk to him. He knows we are having this problem, and he also thinks that he knows how H is feeling. He thinks H is suffering and he's trying to help him out. I told him I don't want H to think that I sent him there, and I really didn't ask him to help fix our problem anyway.
So, Any thoughts on this everyone? Do you think this is a good thing? Should I do something about this? Well, there's not much i could do I guess. Just, any thought?? It's not up to me if he goes or not. I just hope if he goes, things won't get worse.
If it's a mutual friend then it would be best if he didn't talk about your M to H at all. If he's exclusively your H's friend then it's not really your concern what they talk about. Either way it probably will not benefit you, most of the time friends advise the WAS to just cut all ties and move on because they mistakenly think all the pain will stop and things will go back to normal.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared.
Even if he's not hurting and scared, he is confused. He doesn't know for sure what he wants. He is probably waffling back and forth a lot. So he wasn't lying when he said he wanted to come back, but he may very well have changed his mind the next day. He's going to cycle like this a lot.
Thank you, AnotherStander. I believed what he said when it's something like "please give me more time", " I'm going to stop contacting her" "I've decided to come back". Then his action hurt me. But I found out what he did by snooping, so he doesn't know I knew about what he's actually doing.
I told him that if we don't even try, we'd just not see each other ever again, and cut off all contact once. He didn't do anything then, but later, the last time after he said he's coming back, he cut off all contact with me, which makes me think that he is not going to work on this anymore.
Now I'm trying to not think about him. This is hard to not believe the things that he's doing that are hurting me, they are so real!!! But the DB tip must have it's reason, I'll just try to not think about what his doing, and so far, I'm doing a good job not snooping anything! Thank you for listing it out!
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
If it's a mutual friend then it would be best if he didn't talk about your M to H at all. If he's exclusively your H's friend then it's not really your concern what they talk about. Either way it probably will not benefit you, most of the time friends advise the WAS to just cut all ties and move on because they mistakenly think all the pain will stop and things will go back to normal.
He's a mutual friend, and he is the only mutual friend that knows about us, but not in so much detail. He's mostly concerned about H's mental health as he's a very spiritual person. I think I need to talk to him before he does anything, or ask him to wait if he could. Thanks for pointing that out, the last thing I want is to make current situation even worse. I'll see what I can do with this friend, if he has to visit, hopefully I could ask him to delay it for a while.
Hi, I wonder if anyone experienced this kind of emotion.
So, today, I went through my "downloaded" files to find something, and, I was scanning though so many files and suddenly, I saw this photo of H from last year. AND, he was holding the OW right in that picture. And he sent that to me last year!! I remember I asked him what he was since he was in a different city, and he sent me that picture!!! I had no clue that was the OW back then of course. And I didn't suspect anything back then, plus I thought she was ugly ( seriously! ) So I didn't even think about anything at all.
Anyway, my point here is, I suddenly feel like I put myself in a lie, in a fake world. This picture hit me hard. Why do I think H still loves me? He wasn't even ashamed of himself and sent that photo back when he began the affair! I feel like he is trash. Am I doing the anger talk? I feel like I just really don't want him now, if he doesn't want to come back. If he doesn't want to leave the OW. Is it normal?
