Thanks guys, I wrote her a text today that if S made her happy, I support her etc. as you suggested Stander. I just got off the phone with her and she sounded like it softened her a bit. My greatest fear is that she actually leaves. My greatest hope is that she reacts like you said, because the cage door is open, she feels free and reconsiders leaving. I truly love her and this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Heartbreaker!
I can relate, it was the hardest thing I ever did too. I'm convinced she would have left regardless, but at least I took the pressure off in having that talk with her. And don't be afraid of S, once my W left it made it much easier for me to detach, all the D talk ceased, all pressure fell away from W and we've been getting along better than in a long, long time. Hopefully she won't leave, but if she does then that is certainly not the end of things.
Had therapy last night, calmed things down a little, but this morning had a bad fight again about R. She said she just has no feelings for me anymore and just wants a divorce. Said I'm fighting a "space of nothing" between her and me. She called me a duchebag for not being the one to leave the house, and said she doesn't want to be married to me or start over w me. She said it would be impossible based on our past. So , I'm going to tell her that she can have the divorce and separation. I'll leave as soon as she signs a legal document stating that it is her that wants me to leave and I'am not abandoning the family. This [censored], but I really feel that she will not give up her way, and I'm not into beating a dead horse.
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
Thanks Stander, when your w left, did she take the kids? Thats the whole issue with us. My w says she wont leave without taking the kids, and she thinks Im an @$$ for making her leave when it would be easier for me to leave and not dislocate the kids.
Me:46 W:40 M:10 T:17 D:9 S:6 BD:12/11 ILYBINILWY:8/12 Served 2/13 I moved out 2/13 I moved back 6/13 W moved out 9/13
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Thanks Stander, when your w left, did she take the kids? Thats the whole issue with us. My w says she wont leave without taking the kids, and she thinks Im an @$$ for making her leave when it would be easier for me to leave and not dislocate the kids.
No, we agreed to 50-50 custody beforehand. There's no formal separation process in my state, so it's basically whatever the two spouses agree to. W and I sat down before she left and we hammered out the details for an hour or so. On my weeks W comes to my house and gets the kids ready so that I can continue going to work early (I'm gone before she gets there). On W's weeks S9 rides the bus to my house and I pick up D15 from drill practice. Then W comes to my house to pick the kids up. This works well for both of us because I always leave early and get home early and W always leaves late and gets home late. So we both get to see them nearly every day which really seems to have helped us all adapt to the new sitch.
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Had therapy last night, calmed things down a little, but this morning had a bad fight again about R. She said she just has no feelings for me anymore and just wants a divorce.
Hopefully you've read enough on the forums by now to recognize that this is pure script and not worthy of a confrontation. You should just nod, tell her you understand why she feels that way and will support her as you can.
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She called me a duchebag for not being the one to leave the house, and said she doesn't want to be married to me or start over w me.
My W didn't call me names, but she did ask why she had to leave and not me. I told her firmly that I wanted to stay in the M and I wanted her to stay there in the house with me. I reminded her that she was the one that wanted to end the M and break up the family, not me. So if she was so convinced that this is really what she wanted, then I would support her decision but SHE was the one that would have to leave. It was a very calm conversation and she never brought the topic up again.
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I'll leave as soon as she signs a legal document stating that it is her that wants me to leave and I'am not abandoning the family.
OK, well we're all on record here telling you NOT to leave. Please explain why you think it's in anyone's best interest (other than W) for you to leave? Don't say it's for the kids, they will see YOU as the one breaking up the family because YOU left. You have to understand a kid's perspective, they are not going to understand anything about the S other than someone left, and that particular "someone" is going to appear to them as abandoning them. If your W leaves, even if she takes the kids they are going to feel displaced and will long to be home. They will see you as standing your ground and her as the one that broke things up WHICH SHE IS. If you're doing this just because your W called you names then ask yourself how that makes you look in her eyes when you're willing to capitulate every time she throws a bad word at you. Leaving is a total lose-lose proposition for you.
Let me quickly add, my mom took my brother and me and ran away from our home for a while. We were very young, maybe 6 and 8? We were quite confused and just kept asking when we could go home to daddy. We wanted to go HOME. We did NOT blame my dad for what happened, we blamed my mom.
Fast forward to me being a young teen and mom becomes a WAW. Mom claims (after the fact) that she had to leave due to physical and emotional abuse. Who did my brother and I blame? The one that left. We chose to stay with dad. My R with my mom has never recovered, to this day we talk maybe 4 times a year. My dad over the years has even admitted to the abuse, but all the hurt and pain I felt was towards the spouse that I perceived as abandoning us without putting forth an ounce of effort towards the M and family.
FWIW, my mom did try to return to reconcile, but my dad was done with her at that point.
