Searching, trying - still going, but how?

[keep_going]

Labug,

What's best for kg?

This ^^^^ is a loaded question right now...
I want to say that what I need is what I want, but we both know that is simply not an option.

Intellectually I know that the best for me is to reach complete acceptance. That requires a level of detachment that I am not nearly close to reaching.

It sounds as if they are surrounded by people who care for them and that's what they need.

For intance, the acceptance of this ^^^ would be a solid sign that I have reached that point. Yet right now, it seems like a Mother Teresa kind-kind-of-feat that I don't see myself reaching. At least not anytime soon.

Why?

In my heart and in my mind I know that I should act and accept what is best for my kids given my circumstances. Yet there is a level of pain associated with the whole OW situation that goes beyond the damage caused in my marriage. Everyone that has been cheated on knows of the incredibly profound pain (both emotional and physical) that an infidelity causes, making us question our self-worth and everything that we held dear and true, including our sanity. I don't know how to describe it any better than that, but I think everyone who has experienced it understands and would probably agree that no other type of pain can compare to this (except for the death of a child, which I fortunately have never experienced).

Yet the second level of pain I have felt given my particular situation with very, very young kids has been quite unexpected and I will venture to say, equally or even more painful. Why? Because it has attacked my identity and self-worth as a parent. How so?

If my kids were older and aware of the intricacies of our situation, it would definitely be more painful for them because they would probably be disappointment by H's actions and R with OW. So intellectually I get it when people say it's better for them that they are young and my heart is glad they don't have to experience that level of pain.

Yet, by having OW come into their lives so early and lovingly will make them easily accept her. If OW turns out to be the person my H describes, my kids can grow up to love her like a mother. People tell me that will never be, but I do fear that because all their lives' memories will always include both me and OW in the picture. There are a lot of cases where kids grow up loving step-parents equally or more than their blood ones. Do I want my kids to learn to love her? I believe I can come to accept that. But as a second mother? No way. Sure, that is completely selfish, but that is honestly how I feel right now. Perhaps when I reach that true acceptance and detachment I will feel differently, perhaps I won't.

I also feel that as long as I remain single I will also have to compete with OW (and H) and will be at a disadvantage as a single parent. At their household they will have two loving parents and all the advantages that this brings - emotional stability, quality time and attention from the parents, a better financial situation, etc. etc.

In addition I have to deal with the notion that H and I failed to give them a two-parent household, yet OW and H could. I need to find the all-too-elusive self-forgiveness here...

And finally, I need to get over my sense of self-righteousness. I feel like my H and OW are manipulating the situation and my kids' feelings by giving them fun times, attention, love, a new extended family and many, many presents to make sure my kids fully and readily accept OW. H and OW are consciously and permanently burying all negative aspects associated with their R and how it all evolved. Why? Because I will not be the angry, bitter wife that will tell her kids when they grow up how things went down and how inappropriate H's and OW's behavior has been in my eyes. So I am also trying to deal with the "it's not fair, they are getting away with murder and I cannot do anything about it" kind of anger.

All of the above are the current challenges I need to overcome in order to reach that acceptance and detachment you allude to and that I need to reach to get unstuck, move on and be happy.

Since reaching this level of detachment and acceptance is not within reach in the immediate and foreseeable future, then what is best for KG in the short term?

To go as dim as possible, to avoid H and OW, to continue my focus on myself and the challenges of my current situation and to prepare for a new added bonus coming up after Thanksgiving... I will meet OW in person and have to see her on a consistent basis since she will start attending our daughters' soccer and gymnastics activities.

Right now I am nowhere near close to being ready to meet her. I honestly just don't know how I will react when that happens, so I am currently thinking that I will need to temporarily stop attending any functions where she can be until I know I will be able to handle at least a civil hello with her...

I am sorry for the long post, but it really helps me to clarify my thoughts and feelings and maintain focus on the task at hand. I also, as always, appreciate any input from you and others to keep myself and my motivations honest.

Thanks! ((((((labug))))))