Chasing Ghosts

[AnotherStander]

I wish I never would have moved out. I'm the one out of the house, paying my own bills, suffering the loss of my house while she has the house to her self, the OM, and me as a security net.

Well it's done, so don't worry about it. But for anyone else reading, don't move out if you're in this sitch!

I'm not sure how to get back in the house without causing a major confrontation. She changed the locks on me so I can't get in if I tried.

Wow, that's messed up! Is your name jointly on the paperwork? I really don't know what your rights to the house are since you've voluntarily moved out, you'd probably have to talk to an L about that.

Going back to the LL's, I just remembered a conversation my W and I had about showing love. I said that to show love you must use action. She felt showing love was through emotion and conversation. I really can't wait to find this book so I can decipher her way of thinking.

Right, that's what the book teaches is that different people show and receive love through different languages. Unfortunately we all assume that there is just one love language, our own, and that everyone else should respond to it like we do. So we get upset when others don't show us love in our language, and we get upset when we show love to others in our language and they don't respond. So we go through our relationships being angry, not realizing it's all just a big misunderstanding!

Last thought for anyone reading my journey,
Should I continue to detach or should I ask to sit down with her and go over my boundaries. I want to come home, and I want her to end the affair. I want to know that we are working on our marriage. The last time I told her I was done she responded with, I thought about everything and want to slowly work on the marriage. 2 nights later the OM was again in my bed. Please let me know what your thoughts are.

You can't set boundaries if you're separated and she's not willing to work on the M. Because boundaries need enforcement, and there is no enforcement if one spouse is already checked out. IE, if you tell her "no more OM in the house, or else I'll cut off all contact." She might think "well I'm done with you anyway, what do I care" and invite OM in the very same night. See what I mean? And all you've done is drive her away. So forget the boundaries for now and focus on DB'ing.

Thank you Another for the book reference The 5 Love Languages.

I read the first two languages and slapped my forehead. I always thought actions spoke love. W responds to Quality Time and more specifically Quality Conversation. It's such a simple technique that I wish I paid more attention to years ago.

You're welcome, and I know, it's frustrating when we learn we could have been showing love so easily all along but didn't because we were clueless about how to do it. I really wish I had read that book years ago.

Now how do I begin to speak with her through this love language when we physically see each other roughly 5 minutes a week?

Quality time may be tough, but quality conversation is something you can work on. DB conversation is focused on listening- make plenty of eye contact, lean forward, nod, pay attention. No TV, phone or other distractions. Validate emotions. Speak only enough to keep the conversation going, listen 80% and speak 20%. Keep reading the book, you don't have to show love only through 1 or 2 languages. Go for all 5. There are tips throughout the book that can work even over the phone or in texts & email.

I haven't received any feedback these past few days but have been reading a lot of posts.

You are/ were on moderation, so your posts don't show up until approved.

GAL - this is about enjoying your own life and helps with detachment, but it is also about becoming a better person. A person who is not unhappy, predictable, and bitter towards your situation. Those are all unattractive qualities and don't help "being the better man". GAL helps you have a PMA... helps you have some happiness in your life... makes you seem less predictable... makes you exciting... helps you smile a bit. These ARE attractive qualities, and do help you be "the better man".

Good! Yes, that's it exactly Now live it!

180s - Being the better man includes figuring out where you have come up short in fulfilling the needs of your W and your M and fixing them... in yourself. What is it about OM that your W finds attractive? OM is definitely meeting some need that your W has. Whatever it is, you need to start working on it, doing it, doing a 180.

Yes, well said. Now get out paper and write those 180's down, or post them here for comment!

These are the weapons that we need to use for this WAR.

Just a small correction, I wouldn't think of it in those terms. War is conflict. DB'ing is all about removing conflict, giving W time and space, working only on yourself, and waiting patiently. It's really pacifism.

She sent a picture text. I did not respond to her text again. W hasn't contacted me since Tuesday maybe it's getting at her that I'm not responding to her texts. The last three texts she has sent haven't warranted a response so I have been in the dark.

You may be misunderstanding detachment. It's not the same as going dark. Going dark is the LRT, and it's called "last resort" because that's what it is. You use it when all else has failed. Detachment is pulling back and being a bit mysterious. If W sends 3 texts, respond to 1 a few hours later, then maybe the next right away, then maybe the next not at all. And when you respond, be friendly, not cold and short. The idea is to show her a confident, happy you that she can't live without, but in a way that makes her wonder if you've decided to move on without her. If she calls, answer sometimes and other times let it go to voicemail and call back an hour later. If you go out to a movie by yourself and she asks where you were just say you were busy. Things like that.