When I was a WAW and my H would show any excitement or "happiness", I would quickly remind him (with my behavior) that I was not happy and things were a long way from being back to normal. I did not want him getting his hopes up that the MR was fixed.
Maybe what you are calling support...is coming across to her as you thinking the R is back to normal. I realize this sounds crazy to a normal thinking human-being, but she's not normal.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, Yes this does make since to me. Actually my C explained the same thing to me in my last appoinment.
She has completely stopped showing me any emotion. I feel that she is not aware of her behavior to me. My anology is that I could be lifting 1000lbs in front of her and a stranger is lifting a 100lbs next to me. She doesnt even notice me and tells the stranger wow good job. Like you said she will not allow herself to give or show me any signs of MR fixing.
From a WAW perspective, should I just continue giving her all the space she needs,and the standard DBing? I understand this is going to take time, but I am wandering if I should change my methods?
Getting my thoughts out there, looking for a WAW perspective or someone who is dealing with one.
Does the WAW person have the logical thinking ability to realize what the LBH person is going through? Do they see that the LBH is standing and waiting for the WAW? The pain and suffering that we LBH's go through is such a example of love for your spouse. You would think that would be enough to snap the WAW out of their mind set. If you really stop and think about what love really is and the ability of a LBH to stand and go through this path is a real testimony to our marriage and vows.
I think I already know the answer to my questions, it doesnt make any since.
Yes, continue to give her space, she doesn't want anything from you right now.
Yes, she sees that you are standing and waiting... and right now she doesn't care. The good news is this can change.
No, it doesn't make any sense to us. This is why you need to focus on yourself. Put very little attention on her until she starts to turn her attention to you. Be the man she would want to recommit to.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
She has noticed my changes but believes that I am only doing these things to win her back. I think that is good isn't it?
Maybe you are trying too hard to win her back. She can sense this and sees it as subtle pressure. Keep up the positive changes but act like you don't care if she notices... or comes back.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Does the WAW person have the logical thinking ability to realize what the LBH person is going through?
My W knew what I was going through in the early days after BD and she did feel bad that I was suffering so much. But what SHE wanted was to leave, and she never wavered from that goal even though she felt bad for me.
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Do they see that the LBH is standing and waiting for the WAW?
W knew I wanted her to stay and work on the M, but that was not what she wanted. The goal of DB'ing is to make the WAS feel that you're on their side and support them, because as long as you don't agree then there's conflict/ pressure.
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The pain and suffering that we LBH's go through is such a example of love for your spouse. You would think that would be enough to snap the WAW out of their mind set.
Not really. I dated several women before marrying my W and I broke up with several of them. One in particular was extremely upset about it. I was mostly ambivalent about it, just felt like she was overreacting and that she should be ready to move on like I was. I have a feeling the WAS is much like that, they're just done and don't understand why we're making such a big deal out of it. My W said in MC that she was shocked that I was fighting so hard for the M, she thought that I'd go happily along with S and D. She just figured I felt the same way about the M that she does.
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If you really stop and think about what love really is and the ability of a LBH to stand and go through this path is a real testimony to our marriage and vows.
Yes. And some WAS's will eventually respect that while others never will get it.
She has completely stopped showing me any emotion.
What do you mean exactly? She's not responding to you? She's not showing you anger or happiness?
I think some WAW's get to that stage where they are shutting out the LBH to the point that she's not responding emotionally to things he says or does. But for the most part, she intentionally not showing him her emotions.
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I feel that she is not aware of her behavior to me.
I find this interesting. There have been many LBH's that have said this very thing. I am blunt, but in all likelihood.....she is absolutely aware of her behavior toward you. That is part of the point she's making to you. She's not happy. She doesn't want to be M to you. She doesn't want you to be around her. Therefore, she's going to ignore you by not responding to anything positively, disrespect you, and be mean to you ...and anything else that is necessary to get the message across.
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My anology is that I could be lifting 1000lbs in front of her and a stranger is lifting a 100lbs next to me. She doesnt even notice me and tells the stranger wow good job.
Let me say it with different wording. It's not that she doesn't see you lifting the 1000 lbs. But it doesn't impress her. She simply doesn't care any longer. Her interest will be in others. She may be polite to the other person....or she may be impressed with him.....and she might even compliment him for lifting a 100 lbs. She doesn't have to be polite to you, nor is she interested or impressed. Your analogy would be truer if she was rolling her eyes to indicate she was turned off.
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Like you said she will not allow herself to give or show me any signs of MR fixing.
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Well it's not that she won't allow herself, but more like she will work hard to show you that there's no hope in fixing the M. I have read where so many LBH's say the same thing about the WAW not allowing themselves to feel love, or to show the H affection, etc. It's not that way. Remember that in her opinion, she's done with the M and with him. She's used up and dried up. The only thing she feels toward him or the M is....emptiness. She believes her task is to convince him that it's over. That's why you can't look for her to give out positive signs at this time.
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From a WAW perspective, should I just continue giving her all the space she needs,and the standard DBing? I understand this is going to take time, but I am wandering if I should change my methods?
The best you can do is to go forward as if you see life with a different attitude. Instead of making life all about her, you act as if she's no longer your priority. It's not your job to make her happy and so you just have an "oh well" attitude instead of fretting over it. You find other things and other people and make yourself happy. Now that sounds totally selfish, but it helps you to let go of the rope you have tied to her. It's hard for some to understand how you can become a better man and at the same time do some of these things that are suggested. Some men want to do all the wonderful things for the W he should have done years ago. But it will not lead him into a successful outcome if he tries to do it in her WAW or MLC state of being. And, btw, another thing so many men say on the board is that they think (even though you said your C said so) that their W is in MLC. I see many saying that while they are fairly newcomers, and I have to wonder if facing a W who is having MLC is easier than knowing they have a WAW. But here's the thing....IMHO, if she's in MLC, she'll be a WAW....even if it's not a physical walk away. From what I've read, the person who is in MLC will sooner or later have OP involved (EA or PA). But if she's not in MLC, then there is a chance it won't take as long to R......just a chance.
The secret is not doing something in addition to the standard DBing, but rather in just letting go and putting your energy into other ways. Every success story I've heard or read about was when the LBS dropped the rope. I have my own analogy of dropping the rope somewhere. If I find it, I'll post it to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
"Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope."
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2 after reading your post I would love some feedback to my sitch, you may be able to shed some light on my next move. You give us all a fresh perspective!
Beardown
H: 35 W: 37 S: 7 T: 10 M: 8 OM: Apr. 29 2012 PA: Aug. 31 2012 DWord: July 29 2012 DWord on hold since Sept. 23 2012 DB'n Since October 8 2012
