If I can just help one couple keep their marriage together, I'd be happy! Yes, its hard. I have been told that I am a doormat, that I should stand up and demand transparency, etc. but I decided that each relationship has its own characteristics and its not a one size fits all kind of situation.
Your story reminds me a lot of mine....during the times when my husband was nasty, I also told him he was free. And I told him that when he walks out of the door, there was no coming back, wanted a divorce. He never left.
My husband was brought up in a very traditional way, and he has always been one to follow what is right.
I realized that my fighting with him was really actually only destrying things, as he already knew that what he was doing was wrong. The guilt, the struggle within him, the pain at knowing thay he was hurting me and my family - that was punishment enough for him. He once told me that he felt like the lowest form of human being for being able to inflict so much pain and hurt.
Yet he couldn't shake the EA for the longest time. At the one and a half year point, I told him that I understand that it takes time, but that I wasn't going to wait forever. His reply was that he knew it would end someday but the deal was I should let him deal with it and figure it out. It was also at that point that he would always point out that he could have left but stayed, and that I should think about that and what it means. It was then that I also made a deal with him about Retrouvaille....and I felt that it was ideal at that point since he was opening up about being willing to stay, and work on us.
He also was undergoing a huge spiritual struggle at that time... questioning why God was allowing things to happen that way. He felt that he was abandoned and was losing faith.
Retrouvaille helped in that aspect. They don't really preach or try to push religion to you but the principles that guide it are from the Church.
I have to one day read through your posts. Read through mine, you will see how much I struggled, and how a lot of people heped me, too bad I don't see them post that much anymore in this forums, except for 25 yrs mlc. I have a lot of posts, I did a lot in the MLC forum, as I felt my hubby was in MLC. I also had problems with how my daughter was reacting to all this.
Being a carefree spirit does help! Just concentrate on yourself, and have fun. Thats how I survived - my natural self is bubbly, happy and optimistic...
Take care and keep on posting!
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
