Hi everyone and thanks for your concern and presence. It's always comforting to know that you are around.
I haven't been on for a while for a few reasons but the main one is that I had a minor motorcycle accident on Thursday on my way to work and hurt the fingers of my left hand which make it difficult to type (and probably impossible to play the guitar tomorrow for my gig ).
This is interesting for a few reasons. First of all, while I was picking myself up and making sure the old man I was trying to avoid when I got off (because he suddenly decided to cross the road in front of me on his bicycle without looking and/or signaling his intentions), was not hurt, my W called to make sure I was not hurt (???). Interesting that in a city of 8 million people, I would have an accident in front of one of W's friend and that the friend would call her to let her know (but not come to see if I was ok).
Other interesting thing about it is that later, when I got home and W got there (she was going to come anyway to spend the night with D8 but came earlier to make sure I was ok) she showed little or no interest in my wounds and even at the clinic across the street, seemed totally uninvolved and uncaring. Having read here about such instances in much worse cases, I was not surprised, but a little saddened by it.
Other than a short bike ride with D8, they both spent the day at home. I tried to stay out of their way and since I couldn't do much due to my few minor injuries, I pretty much stayed in my room or in the back yard, reading a book. W was pleasant and a bit chatty and overall it wasn't a bad day.
At bed time, we said our good nights and W and D8 went to D8's bedroom and I went to mine to continue reading while listening to music.
At around 23:00, I heard someone in the dinning room making a bit more noise than was warranted for that time and although tempted, I stayed in my room. Some time later, there was a very low knock at my door. In fact, so low that I thought I'd imagined it but still said to come in. No one came in so I was starting to think I had indeed imagined it when I heard it again. It was W who told me she was making herself a coffee and asking if I'd like one. I guess that is where any "good" DBer would have said :"No thanks" and closed the door.
I didn't. I figured that she wanted to talk and since she hadn't told me anything about her discussion with D8, I thought it might be about that so I went out in the dinning room and we both sat at the table with our drinks and spent the following 3 1/2 hours having a great convo about everything and nothing, about her childhood, her dreams, her regrets, her present life, D8, her family and a bit of light R talk thrown in as well.
Again too much was said for me to go through the actual dialogue but here are a few things we said, in no particular order.
W told me about her father, and how he was such a well-loved gentle man. How he'd had an affair and W's mother had never forgiven him, or let him forget about it.
How she feels that her mom was always a bit crazy.
How her mom used to read her diary as a teen and mock her about it in front of the family.
How her mom was very angry all the time and W was always embarrassed to bring her friends (or BF)over.
W expressed her deep hatred for Islam in her country and how she was always on the "wrong" side of discussions when in school but also more recently with her sisters and her mom.
She also told me about the questions D8 had asked. 1.Why didn't she stay with us? Because her and daddy were not together anymore. 2.Why not? It's difficult to understand but you'll understand when you're a bit older.
(D8 later told me that she'd also asked if W would ever come back and said that W had just stared blankly and not answered it.)
W expressed that she often missed our motorcycle trips. Here I did a bad DB move and told her (with a smile) that the bike was in the garage and all she had to do is say a word and we'd be off into the sunset. She laughed and kept eye contact so I went on to tell her (another bad DB move???) that I knew where she stood now and she knew where I stood now so there was no need to play games and pretend and that there is nothing I'd love more than to take her out on another motorcycle adventure someday.
She kept eye contact, smiled and nodded, pensively. The convo went on on lighter topics and eventually she started talking about the incredible changes she sees in me and how it's actually nice to hang out with me nowadays.
Here I probably talked a bit too much and I told her I was happy with the person I was discovering in me and I liked what I was doing now and how I was handling myself within the framework of my present life. I threw in that I was confident that I would never regret what I'm doing now (probably a bit over the top).
A few things worth noting are the fact that she said she was happy that my lease ended up being only for one year instead of the 2 years initially requested by landlord. She then asked me where I wanted to move at the end of the lease and if I'd consider the touristic area of the country. I said it was too early to tell and that I was now living my life day by day. I asked her if she wanted to move and she said she'd been thinking about it and she thought that she'd made the wrong choice by choosing the city were we now were. She said that the touristic area would probably be better for D8 (it actually felt like she was making plans for both of us, but without actually saying that it's what she was doing).
When I talked about cutting up a mosquito net we'd had made specially for out bed/bedroom in our house (which is now rented) to make screens for the windows in this house, she said that maybe I shouldn't, that "we" might need it later. I said if "I" did I would just have another one made then.
She told me how her mom had simply offered to buy her a scooter as she thinks were are now struggling financially because when she asked where I was working, W told her I had part time work. MIL still doesn't know we are separated.
W also had much to complain about the work ethics among some of the musicians she works with and again talked about how difficult it was to "have" to take on a job that she doesn't want. She talked about how nice it used to be (when we were together)to be able to refuse a job simply because she wanted to spend time with D8, but followed by saying that this security she had then probably made her lazy.
She told me how nice it had been to buy her guitar, on her own, and again to choose her scooter, on her own, just because they felt right. I guess I've always been someone to "over-shop" before buying something and I would always want what was best for her while sometimes she just wanted something just because. It didn't have to be the best.
Other than the few comments mentioned above and a few other opinions voiced on light topics, I listened and validated, and asked for clarifications. W did most of the talking and at 3 am, we both decided to call it a night.
D8 woke us both up at 9 am with a breakfast of boiled eggs and toast.
It turns out that W's plan had been to take D8 out to buy her a hamster but she had forgotten that everything was closed as it was a Muslim holiday on Friday. The day was pleasant and light. We interacted a bit but also stayed out of each other's way quite a bit. We made chocolate chip cookies with D8 then D8 and I watched a DVD while W stayed in D8's room texting on her phone and sleeping.
W left at around 5 pm to go to work and upon leaving, she thanked me for a nice evening and for listening to her. I reciprocated.
I expect W to go NC this week as she seem to always do after such convos. I also expect many 2X4s but I have to tell you that again, it felt right and I feel good about how it went and what was said. None of this was initiated by me and I was able to leave her with a good impression. I also got some more insight on her feelings and was able to keep it light enough and most importantly, pleasant and stress free.
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Sorry CB but I feel you're being unreasonably harsh here. I'm sorry you felt mentally abused and walked all over mate. There seems to be a lot of bitterness still left in you.
Right now, I feel I'm teaching my D8 about love and patience. We all reach our breaking point at our own pace. Sometimes it sounds like you would have me punish her for what she is doing in order to control her in doing what I want her to do. That sounds a lot like the man I used to be. The same man who got me in this mess in the first place.
I see baby steps her. I see a woman who wouldn't talk to me without spewing venom and who wanted little to do with me 2 months ago, initiating convos and meetings and telling me that she's enjoying her time with me.
Do what works.
DR page 130 - As long as your spouse seems to be somewhat interested rather than pulling away, it's okay for your marriage to be in a holding pattern.
DR page 135 - As long as you are seeing mild progress, you can assure yourself that your new strategy has some merit. Keep doing it.
"unconditional love is awesome!"
Cheers CB!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
I just read your last post mate. Apology accepted. I do value your input. As I said before, it allows me to gauge where I stand in the spectrum of what I can do and the more perspectives I get the better prepared I am to face what is coming in a way I can live with.
I'm sorry about your bad news mate. I hope things aren't too bad.
Cheers!
Freshman Class of 2012
M-49 W-42 1D-10 T 10 YEARS M 9 YEARS EA/MLC 07/2010 Separation 28/05/2012 PA confirmed 31/07/12 W Asked for D 31/07/12 D on and off the table since then
Arsene, I feel better just by reading your post. I know CB thinks it's more of the same, but I don't think it's exactly the same.
I agree with you that she's not pulling away from you, and the fact that she opened up about all that stuff is really positive. Wow, 3:00 AM! My H and I had such conversations last December. He would ask me if I wanted to stay married. I would say yes but only if that's what he wanted, that I didn't want him to feel trapped. And then he would say he would have regrets bc he didn't experience the "dating other women" he wanted to do.
Anyway, I'm glad to hear things went well. Now you get a little emotional break. Time to recharge and work on yourself.
Sorry to hear about your accident Arsene. I hope you are feeling better.
It sounds like the convo was positive and maybe thats what counter for NOW. Do what you feel works for you.
((( )))
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
).