Well, just when you think everything is going well, SLAM right into a brick wall. I found a email between the H and the OW that was dated 10/22/12. The first one is what the OW sent to H, the second is what H sent to OW.
Good Morning. I am hoping you can clear some things up. Here's my take on things, if I'm wrong, set it straight, if I'm right please be honest and say I am. You said you didn't think I would actually leave ( or him leave) so when I did, you freaked and bailed. The only way you know how to handle those type things is to stop contact with me, either through fighting or ignoring me.
When I didn't thaw out last week like you thought I should, we have yet another fight and you're gone again. You have your wedding, get back in good graces with W, then BF's father passes and you and her continue to see each other and since you and I aren't talking you go back with her.
Are you back home already or are you at least considering it? This is bare bones here, I'm not trying to deny my part in the fighting, I'm just trying to get straight to the bottom of this before I make anymore decisions. You never replied once I cleared up H wasn't back home, so I'm sure that threw a wrench in your plans to blame it on that. Please be honest and let me know what you are planning.
H replay to OW:
Hello. No I didnt think you or him would have been gone this long. I know i went back on more than one occasion so I had my doubts about this happening with you. When I told you this, you got mad. Everythime I left, I heard this same thing from you. I even heard it this last time. After a month of me being gone, you even said,"I cant believe you have been gone this long".You would even tell me to go back home. I dont know why this was any more non supported than what I said. I guess its all on how you want to take it.
It wasnt a matter of how I thought you should thaw out. It was your actions and what you have said the last 3 weeks. You said it previous text that you "were done". You told me that we were so much alike that we couldnt even fight without getting nasty with each other. You made little comments that I feel if I had said the same thing, you would have gotten pissed at me. Things haven't been right between us since the day at that bar on Crittenden Dr. You have continuslosy said that you have doubts abouts me being around or you would trust me to back you up on things. Really? Wow that was always nice to hear from you.
From a picture of a wedding, you fire off about her being there. I think I had every right to fire off about (her husband name) being back home with his truck being parked out front. I know you took offense to this and didnt "feel obligated " to tell me anything. You are correct, you arent obligated to tell me anything. But like you, I didnt have the full story, so I do get to assume and over react. No there was no wrench thrown in my plans. I dont need that to make any decisions. Again, by your comments, you assume a lot and think she and I are continuing to see each other. Fine, think that.
Yes, I am tired of living in my moms home and giving my money to support a house and 3 lifestyles that I have no part of. To answer your question, Yes, I have been thinking real hard about going back home. Im tired of my kids picking and choosing between her and I also, like you are yours. Why would you need to know any of my thoughts to decide what you need to do. If you are so unhappy with him, you have made your decision. I truly never thought you were ready to leave him either
Im so done with the fighting and fussing about all this and feeling like the bad guy all the time.
So doesn't that make me feel all warm inside. I took the names out of email to protect the innocent (LOL) If I don't laugh I might shoot someone!!
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
Well, just when you think everything is going well, SLAM right into a brick wall. I found a email between the H and the OW that was dated 10/22/12.
I'm curious why you think this is a brick wall? In reading your OP you knew he was still in a PA, correct? And you've seen recent hints that he may be interested in you again. This seems consistent with that, he's telling OW he's tired of the games with her and is considering returning to you. As mentioned in the previous posts you will need to establish boundaries if he does decide to return and work on the M, but in reading this I think it bodes well for your future (assuming you want him back).
I guess I thought it was a brick wall because he had contact with her again after we just talked about him not contacting her.
I have been doing some thinking. When H left (alomost 10 weeks ago) I was so hurt and wanted him back so bad. I did everything wrong as I said before, then found this website and read DB and DR. Great books. I applied the principles and wow it worked. He started to contact me, tell me he missed me, etc. I was so happy that I told him he could come home. I made a mistake, I did not give any stipulations for him to come home, concerning the OW. I was just so excited that he wanted to come home I didn't want him to change his mind.
Now he is home and "acting" like everything is great. Except I can tell he is not 100% home. One of the things I did say was I wanted him to stop emailing, texting, playing on line games with the OW. He said ok. Last night I saw where he was playing two on-line games with her on his phone. (yes I snopped when he took a shower) I sent him a request to play one of the games, he ignored it. I feel like I made a big mistake and took him back too soon.
My IC told me I should have told him to take more time with the OW and make sure that coming home was what he wanted. (her husband left her 3 weeks ago). I feel like I am the consolation prize and he has no intentions of stop seeing the OW. I have been dealing with this crap for 4 years with him and this OW. I know I have been part of the problem and I am trying to learn from the DB and DR books. I just want him to stop with this OW but I don't think he ever will. They work together and will continue to work together for at least 5 years or more.
I read in DR about the "after the last-resort technique" I wish I would have used this on him before I let him home. I do love him enough to let him go completely. I also think I have more respect for myself then continue with this man. I don't think he wants to win me back, I think he just got tired of living with his mom and not seeing his kids, so he figured he could come home and tell all the lies he has been telling for 4 years and I would let him ocme home, which I did, fell for it again.
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
Now he is home and "acting" like everything is great. Except I can tell he is not 100% home. One of the things I did say was I wanted him to stop emailing, texting, playing on line games with the OW.
Have you read 5LL? Because it sounds an awful lot like you're nagging him instead of showing him love. If you start showering him with love through the love languages then you may very well take away his need and desire for OW. 5LL goes into this, but often both spouses sit around waiting for the other to show them love. So they sit, and wait, and sit, and wait... until one or both finally decide to call it quits. But when one starts showing love EVEN IF THEY DON'T WANT TO, then suddenly the other starts responding in kind, and a loving R develops in which both find they WANT to love each other.
Quote:
I know I have been part of the problem and I am trying to learn from the DB and DR books.
Have you owned up to your part of the problem? Have you done 180's on those things? Is your H seeing a totally different and transformed you? Or is it "more of the same"? Do you think he wants to resume the old M with the old W? Or would he be more interested in a new M with a new/ improved W? Ask yourself these questions and be brutally honest. I hear a lot of blame being placed on H in your posts. You're darned lucky he came back, now what are you going to do to keep him there?
So I did the wrong thing and asked him about his contact with the OW. I saw him playing a game on his phone and when I asked him who he was playing with he said a few people. I then asked him to let me see his phone, he refushed. I asked him if he was playing with the OW, he said yes. He didn't think it was a big deal, all they were doing was playing a silly game. I told him he was being disrespectful to me and our marriage vows and I thought he wanted to work on this together.
When he came back home I told him that I didn't want him playing any phone games with her, I wanted him to play with me, when I sent him a request to play one of the games he ignored it. When he came home I asked him to put his wedding ring back on ( I never took mine off) He said ok. Its been two weeks and he has not put it back on, he keeps telling me he forgot, its in his car in the ashtray. I also asked him to block the OW from his facebook page, He says he didn't know how to do that I told him I would show him, he keeps saying "later".
I have been doing the DR and after last week I have not spoken about OW or his wedding ring or anything about our relationship. I have been GAL! Last Friday, I went out with friends to listen to a band play, I sent him a text to see if he wanted to go with me, he never answered. When I called him, he said he never got the text. He told me he was going to help his mom and I should just go out with my friends. I did not have my phone turned to vibrate He called and my son called, my son called about 6 times and was really upset because I was not home at 11:30. WHen I called my husband at 11:45 I got the biggest ass chewing, with the F bomb so many times I could not even tell you what he said.
He was so mad at me for not telling him when I was going to be home. I told him I was sorry and I had made a mistake, I should have told him, it was my mistake. He said that if that was him that did that I would be ready to kill him (true). I again told him I was so sorry I didn't realize it was going to upset him, I told my son I was sorry for making him worry (who by the way was crying and asking me why can't we be a normal family!) After another tongue lashing from husband, I went to bed and he slept on the couch and didn't talk to me for two days. He would not come into the living room and watch tv with me or my son, My son even said to him "dad we don't bite, you can come in here and watch tv".
He finally started to talk again and then last night I saw him playing that stupid phone game with her! I get so mad I asked him before he came home not to do that, and then again after he came home! WHY DID HE COME HOME IF HE WANTS TO KEEP HIS CONTACT GOING WITH THE OW!!!! It was easier to deal with him when he was living at his moms, I did not know what he was doing! He is not keeping his end of the deal up when he came home. Yes I am glad he is home, but I don't know why he won't stop the contact with OW. He had every opportunity before he came home to be with her, Her husband left her three weeks ago over all this, so why didn't they take that opportunity to be together? Why did he come home. I did ask him that and he said the textbook stuff, I missed you and the kids, etc.
I have even considered emailing the OW H and tell him to read DR and DB if he wants to get his wife back. Maybe they would work it out and be happy and she would leave my H alone! I am thinking enough is enough, maybe use the last-resort technique I am just not sure. When he is attentive to me and doesn't have that stupid phone with him, things are pretty good, but in the back of mind I keep thinking that he is thinking about her, which if he is playing phone games with her everyday, then she is constantly on his mind and that is not just a silly game, at least not to me!
He said he was going to work hard on our marriage, he has not done anything since he has been home, nothing. It is like it was before he left. Maybe I am just not as strong as I thought I was, I thought I could do this, but now I am not so sure, when you keep trying to make things better and he continues with OW and not doing anything to show me he wants us to work it hurts.
I know I am just being bitchy right now, but I just don't know what else to do, killing her is not an option, I don't look good in orange (LOL, just kidding) Have to use some type of humor or I would be crying right now.....
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
ok, so he tells me he is going out with some friends, going to a bar, down the road from us. Yes, I went and did a drive by, did not see his car. I then texted him, no response then I called him, twice, finally calls me back, I asked him are you at blah, blah, him, um no, I am at such and such (about 25 minutes away in a area he NEVER goes to) Oh ok. Really why don't I believe him?? I am sitting here waiting for him to come home so I can see if I smell beer on his breath, because last time I checked he usually has a few when he goes out with his friends, But I guess you don't need to drink when you are with the OW.
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
So, I didn't smell anything when he got home. I was totally freaking out, I was so mad, I just knew that he was with her! But, I got it together, I did not question him, I acted like nothing was wrong. I keep thinking I don't have proof, this is what got me into this mess in the first place. I did the best DBing of my life. We had a nice night, he seemed to be in a good mood, I held it together. I guess this was better then getting into a argument over something I was not 100% sure happened. Maybe he was out shopping for a birthday present for me (my bday is Sunday) or Christmas, Yea! that is what I am going to think!
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
10. Do not spy on spouse. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
It was a nice night, and a good day today, He called me talked to me about his day so far. If I had started in on him the minute he walked into the room, today would not be good. I think I finally learned how to back off, shut-up and walk away. It was better, much better.
M-47, H-46 M24, T29 S19, S17 OW since 2007 Fighting ever since H left 8/12 H home 11/12 still seeing OW
