i am on that page too- but frequently second-guess myself. years of trying hard to see both sides - and not just sit back and assume i'm mrs right alllll the time (like him, like my mom, like everyone almost i know it seems- very smug and very self-involved and self righteous and "deserving") ??? what the???.
i often wonder how these people (just average people - i don't even think sometimes as , well, "lucid" as me) get to be soooo sure they are the bottom line authority on everything in the world.
we're all humans - we're all the same at the end of the day. take away our air for 5 minutes and we're all dead. how the heck they get to be all "entitled" i do not understand. (sometimes i'm jealous that i can't feel that- absolute righteousness and certainty that i'm right and should "have it all") (stinking h by the way- he thinks he can hve itall) couldja die???.....
i'm pretty much "grateful" in life - when somethings come my way. my life has been good and "lucky" despite the bad bad times. i forget i've had them on a daily bsis , they go and i don't see them as the defining things in my life. everyone i know wears their "bad times" like this giant golden badge of honor and hammer away adn away about how bad they had it- AND WHO THEY BLAME. (I Love this part). that they feel they get to just dump it on someone else???
it doesn't matter does it? it just doesn't matter how we all got here- we're here- suck it up0- try something to fix it now-
THIS TREE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW - A CRAPE MYRTLE OF ALL THINGS_ IS SOOOOOOO GOLDEN AND WONDERFUL- I CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF THE WINDOW.
I'M GOING OUT TO PICK LEAVES AND IRON THEM IN WAX TO PRESERVE. THEY'RE TOO BEAUTIFUL TO IGNOR- SUCKNG ME OUT THE DOOR TODAY TO THAT WONDERFUL GOLDEN WORLD OUT THERE NAD THE HELL WITH THIS ALL- THEM ALL - EVERYTHING.....
TA DA- ME BUSTING LOOSE - WHO KNWOS, MAYBE I'LL ROLL IN THE DARN THINGS!! like when we were kids- i do feel myself having the urge to lay in them - they're so colorful and wondrful -
i'm soooooooo EASY TO PLEASE - I'D SAY one of my BEST qualities in life- give me some pretty buttons or leaves -
I'm glad your busting lose. I'm in my car right now after having just flirted in home Depot it was so much fun. See I have some Caulk stuck on my hands, but I froze when the man said, yea you wouldn't want your h to feel your rough hands. Ah, that's right, I'm married! Hell, it's been so long since I have been treated like a wife!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
flirting is good - good on ya mate (me being australian).
had busy day here- five different activities and about 8 phone messages- got popular all of a sudden.
AM wondering if i should go to flea mkt to sell stuff (it's fun and of course, get rid of more stuff please)pr not now - in light of fact that the news and township is telling us we're going to get our butts blown off mon & tues by these three storms that are supposed to meet up over my head here in nj.
no kidding- got home and town had left a message saying , among other things, expect no power for two to three weeks!!! what the??
i sure hope they are wrong-
i was talking to h - he's telling me not to worry- what is there to say other than i'll do what i have to - and be fine. i'm sure it's waaaaaaay more important for him to be down there in case his father wants a foot rub - - than here with me getting ready to get blown to kingdom come by a hurricane, nor'easter & some giant cold storm from the west.
why honey chile - don't worry bout little ole me . i mean really- just as long as he's "havin more fun" down there - than being with me during armageddon. whattagoober
what the heck? does he think i don't notice he's never around when stuff is goin on?
i'm not afraid- i only worry about my shingles on roof (couple slates are cracked i thnk and roof guy has not come yet - and sometimes the basement wall leaks if downspouts get wonky. been there before by my self - men- we don't need no stinkin men... aint i a tough guy?
anyway- very drqmatic stuff here- they are nuts to make people sooooo afraid. i'm just makin ice and charging the phone and have some cash around somewhere and i guess that's it. will eat cans of greenbeans off pantry shelf- like, rally- you'd think we were on some remote third world island or something. .
tho- mind you- the hurricane that didn't hit us in fla one time and we were without power two weeks- it sucked. the sound of generators was enough to deafen ya- and my plan here is if it gets bad in any way- go glom onto a friend and be done with it. ta da.
BUT- i will have plenty of ice!!! now, shall i freeze my milk? or what???
oh yeah- candles. that's about it for me- i think a glass of wine - and maybe no body will want to shop tomorrow if everyone is scared and "battoning down their hatches".
have a nice nite- i think mine won't be bad. mood okay and holding today for some wierd reason. fingers crossed- maybe i've crossed some kind of line and am magically cured- ya think? (kidding) i'll take one good day and evening- tomorrow's another one SCARLETT.
OMG! Your right I just looked up your weather. They are going to evacuate Southern State Prison, wow it's looking scary. What about your mom? You need to make sure you have more than green bean, lol!
Make sure you have bottle water, lots of it, and it's a great time to stock up on cookies, you gotta have some fun! I hope your prepared and it's not nearly as bad as they say. I will keep watch of the news if you don't post.
Well, funny I was guessing you were either English or Irish, Australian very cool. And, yes flirting was fun. Came home to h saw him depressed and thought hum, there are more were you come from. I don't know what I want anymore, I will fight the good fight, but something new is very attractive to me.
I'm bored by this, him, his blah blah. This could go on record as one of those wives that was bored to the point of leaving.
I am able to not care right now about what he's doing which is opening up my mind to other things. SO happy about that, hope it last forever. I never want to give him as much thought as I was ever again on such a neg. level.
I'm loosing that zombie state...please don't come back! I may actually be able to do some things for myself now.
I hope your on your way to lighter thoughts, you will feel so relieved, but I know I could backside, no no no!
Stay safe....hope you don't loose you electric at least. Keep in touch!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
yeah- the electricity- that's my only thing i'd prefer - some electricity. i don't mind getting blown around- florida is like that allllllllllllllllll summer and fall every year- constant warnings.
MOM will just have to eat beans - wait, she's got tons of cans on her shelfs - waaaay more than me. my kitchen up here is just a re-do of the old pantry(the whole thing) so my entire pantry is one wire rack kind of thing on the wall behind the door- it's weenie- but okay. who cares - i just don't stockpile alot of canned stuff anyway.
YOUR ZOMBIE STATE- i hope mine is gone too. i notice i've got more enthusiasm- even sewing the stupid chair cushion and some things around here- i may be beginning to care what the heck is going on around me again- in a lmited way(isn't it awful that these jerks can be so stupidly blind and cause such havoc in another human being's life and not even care. it's pitiful-
LUCKY YOU - i just cut out my rant - said it all before so here's me -[ NOT SAYING IT - WOO HOO
so, can't decide whether to go to the flea and chat w/people and sell junk and have an acticvity (useful as well) OR - do everything i have around here that requires electricity- laundry- bake cookies- find candles, put away yard stuff and "get ready" for this stupid storm that may or may not come.
decisions - decisions. i guess i'd better go find the weather channel or something. i'm not a tv watcher really (except at bedtime) i guess there will be something on tv or radio.
i agree about the cookies - but i cannot face the foodstore. people go absolutely bonkers - i mean, really , none of us are going to starve for pete's sake. i won't die if i don't have exactly what i want to eat for two weeks. mcdonalds will still exist down the road. like - REALLY!!!!!!1
DOYOU ever just make scones? they're really pretty bad (except hot out of the oven) (no wonder in england they load them absolutely up with cream and jam and butter - it's like eating a gob of wallpaper paste - but the "decorations" make them great.)
anyway- in the traditional method it's like flour and water practically (euuuuuuwwww) - i've modified a recipe one tiny bit so they're palatable (bit of canola oil - bit of sugar) (but still have to eat them hot). - ANYWAY- you can make them in ten min., blob jam and some butter on them (yeah- i know- the fat huh?) and have a "comfort food)" anytime.
don't know why i'm thinking of them- just something easy and quick to eat with junk around always.
i guess i'm edgy cause of this storm- don't know why i'm up at 4 and 5 a.m.- geeez.
funny you saying you're less zombie yesterday- me too. think it's the moon? think we just hit some "point" - i sure wish i was your age. i was trying to think back to 45 . i was always pretty happy & fortunate feeling. i think it may be why i have so many people telling me their troubles all the time- i always thought i was so lucky myself i could spare the ear or time.
oh well- i don't necessarily want to be a differen tperson- i'm just tired of alot of it. some people truly suck me down the old black hole. i don't want to ditch them- i still can feel comassion- i'm just not sure how to "stop" them a bit - you know, after a certain amount of time- i have trouble hearing it and listening - it's alllll lsooooo bad - allll the time. what is the response or thing to say - I WONDER - THAT WILL make them Just lighten up a bit.
i'm thinking i must "allow it" somehow- rite?? i've got to ponder that and work on that thing about me. noticed yesterday because i visited a friend- then realized i like her- BUT - 1) she "grills" me- and i don't always want to talk about all the personal junk she asks. i don't know if she's trying to be caring - or more likely- just wants to check it out and see that her marriage is "better" or her life is "bettr". she's nice- don't get me wrong- she's very very very name-dropper(ie) and i always thought she must feel awfully inadequate to feel she has to say lables and names and so on to try and improve her image - CONSTANTLY.
anyway- left her house tired and thinking how i change my conversation methods to suit new me- need to figure and work on that one. maybe i need to begin asking questions and deflecting hers - 'm not much of a question asker.
h & another friend or two have told me over the years that they like being friends with people like me because they can ask and listen and they don't have to do the work of a conversation (!!)(??) i'm thinking i don't want to be the entertainment committee anymore-
okay- i'm not going to allow myself to think about h today and be hurt becasue it's a weekend and i am (always) suspicious in my mind aobut what he's doing and with who. not that i don't care- just that it makes me too tired to contemplate. is that detachment- a bit anyway?
like you- i think it's the tiredness that's going to get us in the end. i also think that's what makes me not get really rally serious and find a fulltime job. it's me kind of saying okay- i give up- this is the (possibly) end. don't know- maybe i'm too dramatic and black & white about that. somehow this business of being free to go to fl (my life there) - seems to be a sticking point. don't know if i'm wrong or not- oh well- tra la.
gonna see the weather- pack up car if it's even possible we're not getting blown away- or maybeeven if- and
get going. have a great day- go flirt again.
what project are you doing with caulk? i should be winterizing here and mother's a bit- probably should be doing that today too- find her storm windows- cripes. i don't even want to take care of myself- much less her. icky how this turns out in life huh?
what the??? lazy-girl me. i want to cook and sew and fluff and make things- and be someone's excellent companion and sidekick- is that too much to ask??? i'm fun and i travel well.
hope your day is dandy- flirt alot before you get to be my age and your neck looks old-ish. i think my body is great for my age- it's just if i'm tired my neck looks old to me- if i'm well-rested i look fine = funny thing - perception & mental attitude - isn't it?
when h is around and here - i am better able mentally to visualize him not being around and me not folding.
when he's gone i'm more "sentimental" about my life with him (i think). that's sad isn't it?
i don't know if i realize how much i'll miss it when he's gone (so have that realization driven home)
- or when he's around i realize if he's not connected here and if he's going to be involved with ow and disjointed from me- well, it stinks and i think i can't do "this" forever.
Hey Nero, just wanted to say I just came across a post you had written me at the end of August, I had talked about being with my H for 35+ years and was terrified of what was happening to us. You mentioned you had been with H for 34+ years. You had read some of my posts and were looking to read up on my sitch.
Just wanted to say how much I appreciate your words, I wish I had seen them earlier and as able to respond to you. I have managed to move forward in my sitch and am working on R with H. He has not made a commitment to M and we have not even talked about our problems or the things he has said or done to me. I slept in the spare bedroom for just on 5 months. One day I told him I didn't want to sleep there any more. I fully expected him to reject me...or move out of the MB, I jumped into bed and there I stayed.
I am taking things day by day, watching him progress through his MLC and often wondering why I am still here. Don't get me wrong I know I am better off than most (as far as I know no PA, however I now believe there may have been an EA, short-lived). I just feel like i'm in limboland without a commitment to work on the M. I guess none of us know what the future holds, its not promised to anyone.
I keep working on myself and creating a life for me that I am proud of. I am keeping my positive changes going and my PMA. He will do what he will do. At times he acts like a total jerk, but I am not buying into any of it. I'm not letting his alien spew affect me any more. Funny, now I notice his body language telling me HE feels embarassed about his lack of control. So he should be ashamed of himself. But main thing is I am happy with me.
I have read up a little on your sitch, I hope you continue to find the strength to fight your fight. You had been together a long time, I feel your hurt. You are an Aussie? Is your H one as well? That is one added hurdle there. LOL.
Wishing you well Nero. Hearing about the storm over here. Keep safe.
i just mean i was being "aussie" - love the idea & accent. NO, WE'RE Americans thru & trhu- me a mutt of eastern european & english, irish, dutch, german, you name it - h arabic & german. (i should have known the minute i found that out huh???
anyway- yeah, it's a heck of along time- feel like my whole life. i'm at a real place of not being able to think about it currently. just exhaustion. hate the ow idea- hate him sometimes- can't imagine life without simetimes- i'd say i'm on "float" with a vengence.
don't know what to do- sympathize with the bed thing- i have been whole time- even when i first found out and wanted to really kill him. can a person REALLY sleep with one eye open? anyway- no other bed in house and i figured why the heck hsould i get a crap nite sleep or run away somewhere- tough nuggies. wierd as hell last year- glad it's over.
we are supposed to get blown away- i need to go put away soem yard junk and find my mom's storm windows. will write later or again-
i sure feelyour response - i think that's what made me write in first place - similarity and being there iwth you and your thoughts/ feelings. it [censored]- one day at a time and one nite more is about as much as i can muster. i don't know either- it's the most unfocused and unhappy i've ever been. BUT - better now than a year ago- so what the???
I cannot imagine how this plays out- thanks for your good wishes- i hope i don't fold & run either. i wonder too what i'm doing here and why i'm bothering. like ajm says- so we don't ever wonder if we didn't give it as much as we could i guess- so we are SURE we are doing the "rite" thing for us-
i'm going out to enjoy the leaves & color before storms blow them away- hopefully no leaks anywhere. i've got word & brain exhaustion (awoke at 4 a.ml and couldn't get back to sleep- edgie over these stupid and exotic weather reports- geeeeez xxo
I have managed to move forward in my sitch and am working on R with H. He has not made a commitment to M and we have not even talked about our problems or the things he has said or done to me.
boy- does that sound similar to us. he's being all nice- waaay less critical and just awful than past year or so - BUT no talking about it at all- =(i've sworn off trying that since last big dust-up) - no committment by h- i don't know if he ever will/would. that's a tough one for me. we're not married- i know it's not a guarantee- but it's sure an expression of commitment. it never seemed to matter- now with all this junk going on- i'm not sure i can "do" this free&easy stuff. i don't like feeling like the other woman- and i don't like an open marriage- i'm trying to keep my lid on til i can figure out me or him or both or r. (if there is one still)
he acts like it's all normal as pie- some days i feel nuts .
i'm in your boat exactly- except he comes and goes to house in fla - it's hard & i can't tell if i'm more stressed when he's gone or here- it's soooo wierd on soo many levels - but like you, i just do one day at a time.
i think i like me too- i don't want to be someone new and different (and not me) - i don't honestly know what goes on in his head. when he gets mad he is sooo goofy and it's sooo childish and something i've never ever seen in 30 years- i want to make fun of him. he grits his teeth and talks thru them- GOD - how can this man i knew so well be this guy - wth the stupid clenched teeth- boy it's soooo uncomplimentary.
usually i don't ever get angry any more- i just say he is, not me - we've switched that role. i used to get steamed and explain allover town & try and talk- now i just can't.
do you think sometimes you don't even know what you want from him or with him anymore? i don't exactly want him gone from my life- i wouldn't be here doing this if i did i'm sure- but i just don't know what else there might be. i'm willing to see- i wonder tho.
oh well- hatches half battoned down-t omorrow morning for sure - scarlett. thanks for note- good luck i'll be interested to know how things are going. i'd say success of a sort- hopefully a great "ending" somewhere in the future. fingers crossed for all of us huh? oh man!!!! didja ever forsee this one in your future?????
if it wasn't so tragic i'd laugh (well, sometimes i have to- pressure release) it's so dumb sometimes with us- just plain ole childish and dopey. oh well....
