How do we live "together separate"?

[mizjjd]

Compliance v rejection

Yes, I see that H may have been unaware of WHY I stopped some of my efforts.

(But the phone call thing? It was a fairly big deal. At the time the kids were all very little and H was working and coaching hockey so I saw him in the morning (crazy time with 4 under 4) when he came home to eat-dinner-while- changing-for-hockey, and then when he came home for bed which was late, around 10 pm. So, I started calling him at precisely noon everyday, hoping to get literally TWO minutes of his time. I watched the clock so I knew it was only 2 minutes. He was his own boss, so no issues with receiving phone calls. No. He flat out told me HE WOULD NOT BE MAKING TIME TO TALK TO ME. So. Call it avoiding hurt, DBing, detaching or whatever you please, but it was definitely and clearly HIS PREFERENCE. Now, interesting side note, when I was working he would call me several times each shift.)

But, to play to your point, knowing H he would not have expected me to take the phone call attitude into other areas. He would not see it as him rejecting ME, just my phone calls. It was a hard time of our M. Another hard time. H doesn't like babies, and we had a houseful. That's why he did so much coaching, couldn't be around the noise and chaos. And that was ok with me because when he was around he was a surly snarling beast. So he coached with my blessing. I didn't think at the time I resented that but maybe I did? I knew I resented the hell out of the phone call thing.

I have wondered if some of our M unhappiness is me trying too hard to be what H said he wanted me to be. Some of the things are just not in my personality but I tried anyway. H would not think I tried too hard probably, because I didn't/don't do a very good job. There's some sort of saying about only being a second rate imitator, should be a first rate original... but I should have spoken up. Should have said "No. That's not who I am. Deal with it." HAH. Those words would be a 180 for sure.

I didn't mean to use menopause as an excuse. It just made things different. I've tried some supplements but haven't had much success. I told H that I thought some "sweet talk", kissing, hugging etc would prob help get me in gear but he said we were past all that. And then he started getting down right whiny. Would no sooner lay down than he'd say "Guess we won't be having sex tonight. Or any night. Because YOU don't like that anymore." etc. And it wasn't that I didn't like it, or want it, my body just was slow to get on board with my brain/heart.

Oh, and regarding giving offense. I just wanted to make sure I didn't come across as unappreciative of the time you spend with me.