WAS vs. LBS

[Crazyville]

Hi keep_going! Thanks for dropping by! I'm not sure how much help I am to people, but I'm happy to throw it out there just in case. Maybe someday I'll have a story like Sandi2 and it will have more relevance. Until then, hopefully my WAS POV might be helpful to some.

In most cases, the WAS was a LBS for years prior to walking away. The difference is only a matter of logistics.

I agree and I want to add that the situation can also work in reverse.

You are absolutely right. There are always variations to the lead-up to a WAS. Just as yours was reversed, I'm sure there are many LBS's that never even look for a site like this because they figure their WAS leaving was the best thing that ever happened to them. So I agree with you. I didn't mean to imply that every scenario was the same.

I never considered D as an option, period.

The thing is, I never asked H what he thought about D and assumed he shared my vision of growing old together. Now I wonder if I would have even considered him as marriage material for ME, had I known that he saw D as an option.

I've always wondered about this. The "til death do we part" we commit to when we marry is supposed to give us comfort and security that our spouse is going to be there for us for the long haul. But I wonder how many people use that as a crutch and an excuse to not try as hard to please their spouse? The fact is that divorce is always an option for the other person, even when they vowed otherwise. As I said in my previous post, there's a whole lot more to the vows than that. And if one person isn't keep up their end, how can they possibly expect their spouse to do so?

... yet I never saw our issues as unsolvable.

You know, I'm so glad you said this, because this is exactly the sort of thing my H says, but then nothing changes. So I just don't know what "solvable" means. I think WAS's see it as hopeless. If you saw it as solvable, why didn't it get solved?

I didn't just choose not to do anything about it, but I didn't have the tools to deal with our issues properly.

I get that totally. No one comes into this life totally formed and we all have our baggage we need to unpack. So, do you believe you have the tools now if your H came back? And if so, how were you able to get them now but weren't during the M? If not, why perpetuate something that makes both of you unhappy?

When I brought this up with my H he mocked me and said I was insulting and disregarding the pain and suffering I had inflicted on him for years. He completely disregarded any of my limitations and negated my efforts during our M since they were grossly unsuccessful.

To this, first, your H is flat-out wrong if he is conflict- averse. We all are; get over it and deal.

To his disregarding your efforts because they were unsuccessful, this strikes home with me because that is what I'm accused of. If I had a dollar for every time H said he 'was trying,' I could buy Bill Gates.

I only know how to relate to this by applying it to other relationships or other situations, like co-workers or employees or our children. In every other relationship, people are typically only paid/rewarded if they actually succeed, not because they tried. The best example of this is when someone is trying to lose weight. They say they're trying, then eat half a large pizza for lunch with a large Coke, take the elevator instead of the stairs, and spend their evenings in front of the TV. At the same time, they can't offer up anything they are doing, but we're supposed to give them credit for trying.

Sorry, I'm not picking on you personally, but this is a huge source of contention for me with H, so anything you could add to this would be greatly appreciated.

The difference I see is that the LBS for the most part, uses that pain and change to look back into the M and figure out why and how to rebuild if given the chance, where the WAS just cannot deal with the pain anymore and decides to focus their efforts elsewhere. Both become aware that the situation is untenable, both want the same - a way to stop the pain and find happiness. The difference is in how they come to believe they can find it.

I believe in every relationship, the person that is going to change is the one that is bothered most by the circumstances. Unfortunately, it doesn't even mean that they had the bigger cross to bear, just that they were less willing to continue in the same manner. For a WAS, if they can't get it corrected within the M, then they leave.

I do know that most people don't realize the amount of HARD WORK that a M requires on a DAILY basis. Specially when the honeymoon period ends. I know I didn't and I just mistakenly thought that our love would be enough. It's not.

Again, I'm so glad you said this. What does that mean? That you thought your love would be enough? Enough for what? And what is that belief based on? This idea is foreign to me.

I'm curious, do you feel like your R changed greatly when you had children? You had a lot of years together just the two of you before you had kids. I can't help but think that played into it.