I realised recently that I have never seen a thread on the journey of the LBS. Did I miss it? Please could it be added to the resources if it exists? [I know some do not like the term LBS, but it is one we all use, if not always comfortably].
Anyway, there are a lot of people on the boards who have recently discovered an affair or had the bomb drop and are in the early weeks or months of dealing with what looks like a MLC. And I realise that we too go through stages, taking a longer or shorter time over each, repeating some stages, and getting stuck in others.
Others are in the mid point of the journey, used to it, but surprised by the emotions they still have, as well as the behaviour of the spouse, or ex-spouse. Others like Snodderly and Jack have completed their journey successfully and have an amazing overview of what happened, and great wisdom to share..
We navigate the pain, and the loss and finally the liberation, and get to the other side, more settled and very changed. I do not have the skills to put anything together,[assuming it doesn't exist already] but I wondered if others would find it helpful to think about what each of us goes through, and how we think and feel at different times? And some strategies for dealing with it!
Certainly the early stages seem to be characterised by shock and a sense of being traumatised. We can't usually sleep or eat much. Our concentration goes, and we may feel boiling anger and resentment, coupled with a sense of unreality or disbelief. Being told to breathe helped me enormously, and also people not wacking me with a 2 x 4 when I whinged, which we tend to do in the early stages - a sort of cosmic 'Why me'?
The 2x4s are handy later though for moving us on.
What do people think? Would others find it useful to post and see where it goes??
yes I think this would be very useful and helpful to do this. I too have kinda wondered if something like that should be started for the LBS, but had no idea how to go about it myself!
The early stages you stated are right! That's how I felt. I look back at that time now, which was a year ago and I don't know I lived through it. I felt like I was struck by lightning evey day. I was in a fog. I could barely eat, and would only be able to sleep well every 2 days after total exhaustion.
Ive had some interesting emotions come over me recently, and I was really wondering just what kind of stage it was. Possibly Acceptance I guess.
XH brought kids home from school to pick up their things for 2 nights. D9 told me she asked her Dad if she had to sit in the back seat on the way to their shopping trip for Halloween stuff because she always has to IF OW comes along. XH response was " I don't know".
I watched them all load up and pull out. XH appeared happier than I've seen him in a while, as did the kids. All 3 happy together for once, instead of seeing total discontentment.
Then it hit me, Again, but with more clarity than ever this time. It hit me all ove again just what XH had done, and who he had done this with. We were divorced. And he was taking our kids to his place to where he shares his life with this OW.
Serious insult to injury there.
He really did what he did. He really did it. He is capable of doing horrible things.
I cried all night long. Truly accepting what he had done.
And the next day I felt like I had just taken several more steps forward and had healed some more.
This has happened to me several times over the last couple months. I will go through spells where I just mourn it, without the total shock and disbelief of it all. I allow the emotions to wash over me. I cry, I get mad, I just let it come. And then after it passes I feel so much better.
I know the LBS also go through stages and cycles, but I don't recall ever seeing that information compiled in one place. If it is, I would be highly interested in being directed to it. If it's not, I think it would be wonderful if something could be put together. I think it would be very beneficial to our newbies, not to mention posters that have been around a while to refresh our memories or find answers to questions that come up during our journey.
Oh, and Beatrice, please don't sell yourself short. Your wisdom and knowledge show through every time you post. I have been on the receiving end of some of those posts and have found comfort and caring. For that, I'm grateful. Thank you.
Can I add my voice to this and say yes, please can we have it if it exists? I have no clue where I'm at or what I wish for other than a greater understanding of myself. My emotions are so up and down some days I feel like my heart and stomach are riding in a little mini elevator inside me! X
I realised recently that I have never seen a thread on the journey of the LBS. Did I miss it? Please could it be added to the resources if it exists? [I know some do not like the term LBS, but it is one we all use, if not always comfortably].
Cadet - my bad! It was all written as a time when i wasn't on the boards [I took a longish break] and I don't read the newcomers thread any more, so I missed it entirely.
Would it be worth sythesizing what was written and adding to it? Do our stages correspond to the MLCers?
Cadet - my bad! It was all written as a time when i wasn't on the boards [I took a longish break] and I don't read the newcomers thread any more, so I missed it entirely.
Would it be worth sythesizing what was written and adding to it? Do our stages correspond to the MLCers?
I think we could use this thread and add a link for this one into the main one depending how good the info is in this thread. I just bumped another one up too that had some discussion on LBS cycling.
As far as the stages, I say yes our stages do correspond to the MLC'er and we must lead the way for them to keep fropm getting stuck.
The stages of the lbs are very similiar to those of grieving and the mlcers' stages. However, we do not have the replay stage. We go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. We can bounce back and forth through them, just as the MLCer does in their respective stages.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Where does grieving fit in? It is on on-going process of course, but at some point it becomes more explicit - I think it is before final acceptance, when we truly mourn, and then we are ready to move forward. We have internalised the loss and it is part of us, in a healthy way.
I didn't realise I was giong through stages for quite a while - it felt more like a series of steps, up and away from the emotional mess, BUT just before each time I moved up and away a notch, I went through a particularly hard and difficult time - and after that I felt on another level.
And just as the MLCers progress seems agonizingly slow, the process of healing and coming to terms with it all takes a very long time.
There were times when I longed for an efficient Eternal Sunshine of teh SPotless Mind service to simply come and wipe the memory banks.
Losing a part of who we were, and such a painful way, is hard to come to terms with.
Where does grieving fit in? It is on on-going process of course, but at some point it becomes more explicit - I think it is before final acceptance, when we truly mourn, and then we are ready to move forward. We have internalised the loss and it is part of us, in a healthy way.
I think the stages of grief is all about grieving the whole time. Each stage is a different part of grieving.
This post from LFW says it best I think
Originally Posted By: Lostforwords
My thoughts on the LBS stages; Denial- Without a doubt the first phase. It could be as simple as denying that there is something wrong or amiss. Eventually turning to denial that it is actually happening to us, denying our part in everything, and the worse part.....denying our inner self's to come out. Maybe because we don't know how.....but at the point everything is caused by some outside catalyst. Sounds very MLC like to me? Bargaining-I put this here instead of after anger because I feel the deep seated thought out anger is yet to come. We have felt the quick anger brought on by emotional pain and trauma, but not that thought out and reviewed anger that is to come. So we beg, plead, whatever it takes (during this stage I actually saw the positive side of an open marriage...granted my situation is only slightly different...LOL). We will do whatever it takes to save the marriage, yet haven't realized that the marriage is gone. dead! Fini!
Anger-This stage is third...why you ask? At this point our bargaining, selling of our soul, absolutely nothing has had the expected results. So we feel deep down anger and conviction that we are right...they are wrong....and We will win no matter who loses! This very well might be the hardest stage for anybody going through this. I have been scanning lightly in newcomers and see so many of that boards "mentors" stuck themselves in this stage. Trying to control what is uncontrollable out of anger and not based on sound decision. Depression-At this point the energy involved with our anger is used up. We are burnt out......and now we are ALONE. Yes...we have been alone in the physical sense for some time, but the bucket is finally empty. Resentment-Slightly different than anger.....more identified with long periods of being OK....then boom.....anger comes bursting back in very brief, but extremely intense blasts. I think it is almost a triggered response...a missed ball game, long weekend with a sick child, or coming up short on a mortgage payment. A catalyst disturbs the beast sleeping within. Acceptance-I place this before forgiveness because I feel you have to accept the marriage is done before you can forgive the damage it's death has caused. At this point you know that you are alone. The resentment is gone because you accept that triggers from resentment are just yours alone to deal with. This is also a great time for personal growth. Confidence that you will survive on your own, that you can do thing yourself, and that the sun will still rise tomorrow.
Self-growth-Regaining on confidence continued. New perspective of the things around you. Constant questioning...of yourself and the principles we follow. At this point anything is possible....for ourselves. Forgiveness-At this point you can forgive yourself for your part in the demise of the marriage. You can also see the pain the process has caused our spouse. The knowledge that neither party has really come out of this unscathed is apparent. You will know at this point that the journey was beneficial for both parties as long as neither got tripped up in their respective journeys. Maybe the marriage is renewed...maybe not. Renewal-The world is different (I know that I see it differently). We are almost reborn to a life that that has unlimited potential. Things that were once taken for granted are cherished...and things thought essential are no longer that important. We are finally able to cash in on the independent self that we have found within ourselves. Living again-At this point we move on, piece, whatever hand we have been dealt. Everything behind will be seen with compassion for the pain it caused and the enlightenment about ourselves that we achieved.
I know that I have flipped back to the begininng on a few occasions and had to start the whole process over. Although each time I can get through the earlier stages faster. If I catch myself bargaining, or begging and pleading, I know that I have gone backwards. Thise are the REAL xhanges that we must make and 180, JMHO.
