Back to Square One?

[labug]

Who drives when he's drinking?

[Wendylon]

Labug, he does the driving. He would swear he wasn't over the limit and that I have issues (which I do because both my parents are alcoholics so he is right ab that).

I was thinking last Sunday though that next time I notice he's been drinking, I should take my car and do the driving.

[labug]

Or not go if he's been drinking. There's a boundary that you can set that definitely protects you and possibly other people on the roads, children, elderly.

People will often tell you "you" have issues when your are making them think about things that make them uncomfortable.

His deciding to set limits on his drinking is a big red flag. With you being the child of alcoholics, I'm sure you know that.

[Tumbling]

Hi Wendylon, did you scratch that itch or did you do something else instead?

[Wendylon]

No Tumbling, I didn't scratch the itch! I went about my biz and he left a VM saying that he'd been too tired to call the night before but hoped we were all well.

I had dinner out with a friend and came home to 3 emails from him to articles he thought would be of interest.

I emailed back this morning just to thank him for links. He phoned and asked ab kids. He loves updates on them. Sometimes I'm not sure whether to use that topic to bond or whether to just give him tidbits so he has to work a bit harder to know what they're up to.

He did have his 'talk' with S17 before leaving. That's something.

I asked what time he'd be home tomorrow and he said by supper-time (ie 7). I then told him that the kids were eating at my sister's and that it would just be me. He then backtracked and said that he was getting the train-times mixed up and that he probably wouldn't be home by supper-time after all. I'm tempted to look up train schedule myself but it probably wouldn't help (practically or emotionally). I wish I hadn't asked but I was wondering about food.

I then said, "We'll, we'll be in touch tomorrow" and got off the phone first. I hate not being able to trust him.

Despite the extra caring (for S13) , I do enjoy being alone with S17, D15 and S13. I feel more relaxed. I'm sure it would be different though if we were S. The kids know he's often away for work so his absence means nothing whereas it would be significant if he were in same city but in a different house and they were having to move around (which I'm sure they wouldn't want to do). S13's carers wouldn't want that either so that would be another huge hassle.

[Wendylon]

You're right, Labug. I could just not go out with H if he smells of alcohol.

I can imagine him telling me I'm bonkers/nuts and that he's only had one glass or whatever. It would really provoke him.

H does explode at me--especially when he's in the wrong! I hate it when he loses it. My family was v restrained (no shouting, no swearing, no stomping out of rooms..) whereas his was v volatile and I can't get used to his outbursts. I will do a lot to avoid them. I know it gives him lots of power.

[tori2012]

Wendylon, it seems your H still wants to share stuff with you (i.e. articles he emailed.) That's a good sign. What triggers his outbursts? Has he always had them?
Hope you have a good day.

[labug]

I can imagine him telling me I'm bonkers/nuts and that he's only had one glass or whatever. It would really provoke him.

People never like boundaries, we all would prefer to do whatever we want, whenever we want.

That's not an option.

A boundary is to protect you, not to punish or teach a lesson.

All you need say is "I've made the decision not to ride with you when you've been drinking."

Not in the moment, not right before going somewhere, but in a calm time.

If he goes off, calmly leave the room saying you'll speak to him when he can speak calmly.

[labug]

One other thing, you stating a boundary is not YOU provoking him. He is responsible for his emotions and difficulties with relating to others.

Not your problem.

[MKB23]

Labug! That is so powerful! "A boundary is to protect you, not to punish or teach a lesson. All you need say is "I've made the decision not to ride with you when you've been drinking." Not in the moment, not right before going somewhere, but in a calm time."

I have such a hard time setting boundaries too. The way you have worded it makes it so much simpler! lol Sounds dumb to you probably.

I'm curious how you react when he explodes Wendylon. Do you explode back or do you shut your mouth and take it?

I know with H I would say something rude or snarky or simply ignore it. Now I just say I am sorry you are angry. I am not fighting. Then if I manage to stick with it, it has amazing results. It's not good if I get sucked in though.

Maybe you could just calmly state your feelings and walk away. No anger, no animosity. No slamming doors. Just walk away quietly.

I know when my H did that to me, it made me feel little, childish, small, unworthy, and bad. For what? Nothing. It wasn't my fault. It was his and how he was reacting to something that was beyond my control. It felt like I was being punished for his problem.

Another option may be at a time when things are quiet you could just tell him how it makes you feel using I words. Also, don't forget to reinforce the positive. That's a biggie!

When he does those things like come home early you might say- I noticed you came home and I really appreciate it. We all enjoy spending time with you as a family or something of that nature. Maybe not that sugar coated but you get the point.

It's great not to criticize but remember it is also important to reinforce those positive signs.