Victim No More

[LoisB]

Thanks Snodderly--I will refrain. As difficult as that is for me... refraining. Refraining sorta stinks. But, I'll do it. Just for Today. You're the best. I hope you realize how grateful I am that you take the time to help like you do.

Heather

[LoisB]

Snodderly,

Is it possible for a MLC-er to be in replay and withdrawal at the same time? H has fallen off the face of the earth almost this entire separation. I can see, though, when he was an angry jerk over the winter and spring--blaming me and everyone for his unhappiness. Then, around May/June he started playing hard like he was a teenager again. Up until then he was depressed and distant. Now, he is in a full-fledged PA with the OW and they party. But, recently he seems to be settling down some? Does Replay always last a min of 2 years?

[beatrice]

Hi, I realised your question was directed at Snodderly, but i I think I posed a similar question quite a while ago, and here is what verious people answered - from memory, so I may well have missed something.

First off, Cadet and others will rightly say, do not get too hung up on the stages. They do go through them, but not necessarily neatly, and they may repeat Replay, as it stops the pain.

Second yes, the stages are very mixed up [Anger has been very evident througout my xh's MLC, and although he is now more reasonable it flashes out at the slightest opposition. My grown up children still cannot disagreee with him on anything, and he used to be a man with whom one could have long and interesting arguments]

Third, MLC takes a long time - it is tempting to use the stages to see where they are, but as I said earlier, they may well go round and round

And fourth, there seem to be three main styles of MLC - the drop-outs - those who run and keep contact to a minimum for their circumstances. These are people who communicate infrequently or not at all if there is no need. This feels hurtful but is probably overall the easiest style to deal with.

Then there are the droplets - those who have periods of contact, and seem to be waking up a little, and you think they might be reconnecting, but it is a touch-and go to see everyone is still there. And finally there are the drop ins, who never really let go or sometimes even leave home. They are in regular contact, and may even be nice and tell their spouse they still love them -but [always a but] These are the cake eaters.

Hope that helps a bit until others get on the case.

Oh and something else - watch what your spouse does, not what he sayd. It is rightly said - beleieve nothing a MLCer says, and pay attention to half of what they do. This does not mean don't listen - in among all the stuff are nuggets of gold which may make perfect sense later.

And finally I cannot emphasize this enough - zero expectations, but keep hoping. That is like patting your head while rubbing your stomach!

[LoisB]

Thanks Beatrice. I think I'm getting a better handle on his MLC "style" which helps me immensely as we plod on. What nuggets do I look for? I mean he's said all sorts of weird crapola. He's especially said alot of weird stuff about the OW.

In January, before I discovered the OW, he gave me this speech, telling me how unhappy he was and he didn't want to live at home and hated being home and thought of me as this huge burden in his life. I think I just figured out the bomb drop.

By then, he was already coming home at all hours drunk. So, I'm gonna say Replay had started some---he seems to do everything in tiny bits and then it grows---like a crescendo. The height of the replay crescendo (I think, was July, August,September)--something seems to have shifted a little. Maybe it's me. But, I get that he could cycle back and we could get a whole new round of fun Replay memories to put in the MLC scrapbook. Be kinda funny to keep one. In a sick sorta way.

He's definately the drop out. Which, yes, I see now has plenty of good points.

The affair became public in July. Up until then, he was a master at keeping it secret. Not sure if that means anything, but I know it's been hard on him since now everyone knows. He seems really hung up on people knowing. Gets all bent outta shape--even when I had nothing to do with them knowing.

Thanks Bea!

Heather

[LoisB]

Strangely, I think he's really embarrassed by the OW. She is pretty bizarro--covered in tattoos and looks very hard. You take one look and go "Oh, she does a lot of drugs" or "Wonder how many times she's been to jail?"

I guess she is super controlling and easily threatened. I know she has been controlling the show for awhile. Not on my end anymore though.

I think I'm feeling better about sitting on the curb. My gut tells me we have some interesting antics coming up in the MLC parade.

Thanks.
Heather

[Cadet]

Does Replay always last a min of 2 years?

Short answer would be YES.
Is that a guarantee, NO, but if I was betting kind of person I would not bet against 2 years - MINIMUM.

I am a stage watcher, and as Bea has said, that is a very bad idea.
First reason is that not everything is always as it seems.
MLC'ers are master manipulaters, liars, controllers.
LBS's are enablers, fixers, pursurers, attracted to distancers.
Bea explained that their are different kinds of contact types with our MLC'ers
and this can change through out the crisis.
So although I believe that the stages fundamentally are a good idea.
What stage they are actually in might change depending on the contact type.
As defined by Conway the most common stage is replay.
As long as there is another person they are in replay.
No matter what you may think.
I have seen some supposedly drop the other person and run home only to find out years later that the contact has been secretly still going on.
Some I believe have imaginery other persons that you would need to be inside their head to see.
How do you know when they have given up an imaginery person?

SO.......

I think I'm feeling better about sitting on the curb. My gut tells me we have some interesting antics coming up in the MLC parade.

^^^^^^^ this is the best advice you can give yourself.
We can offer popcorn even if you don't like Monday Night Football.

[job]

Heather,
Just to add a little bit more to what Bea and Cadet have posted. They will remain in replay for as long as it takes for them work through "some" of those issues. The stages are just a guide and are what one person went through (timeline). It all depends upon the individual, their respective personality as well as their childhood issues. The more severe the issues, the longer it takes. Also, the more we poke them and try to reason w/them, the longer it will take as well.

Select your spot on the curb and join us. We have plenty of popcorn to share.

[job]

Heather,
Jack will be by soon to remind you to start a new thread. You may want to think about your new thread title and create it. Once you hit the 100 mark, it's time for a new thread.

Have a great day!

[beatrice]

Lois - they 'affair down', and yes, my xh wasn't proud of OW1 [he is now on a second relationship with a very strange lady, but she isn't the piece of work that OW1 was]. To be honest I am not entirely sure if the second OW [and I have a couple of friends whose h's moved on eventually to a second OW] is replay. I hesistate to disagree with Cadet, but while I agree as long as they are with original OP it is Replay, next one is more like they can't face life alone, but they aren't done yet

I have a very stuck MLCer but a good friend of mine has a MLCer who is definitely inching through the tunnel and he is on OW2. It isn't intense - more like a distraction while they work things out . . . . but like I say, I could be wrong here.

[LoisB]

Henry the 8th musta been really stuck. Feel badly for Catherine of Aragon.

Does the OW usually stick around the entire 2-year-period? Or, at least in some cases, does replay continue but gradually become less intense? Could a MLC-er gradually build to a peak in replay and then gradually become more sane within the those two years. In other words, does replay always mean the MLC-er is completely bonkers or are there shades of gray?

I'm just looking back and seeing bits and pieces of some of these stages in the last five years or so. Mainly anger. Kinda like he'd get his feet wet in replay behavior and then come back to his senses a little, move into anger, justify more replay...

I know I have to prepare for the worst and keep my expectations nil. At the same time, I have a gut feeling that he's been at this awhile and finally gave into the pain. Is it unrealistic to hope H may move out of the replay in the next six months or so? Maybe not give up the teenage behavior entirely, but let go of the more damaging behavior like the OW? Or, am I kidding myself? It's just she's really damaged and I have a hard time seeing him live with that for another year or two.

Thanks for the info everyone.

Heather