but I keep seeing her slooooooowly phase things out from married to room mate.
Same happened with us up until W moved out. I think you're exactly right, she's likely doing it intentionally to help you "adjust".
Quote:
I feel I should not use those issues to bring up an "I feel" discussion or potential argument. At the same time I know I have to do some thing as it is one of the ONL things W has said that really bugs her...
I agree, there was a time for that but it has passed. For now you're DB'ing. If and when you get to piecing then this is something to work on, but not right now.
Also I am just starting month 4 of this crud... If this has to go on in the same bed for the next 3 and a half months I might lose my sanity....
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Everyone’s timeline for detaching is different. You WILL know when you’re starting to get there. It’s not an easy thing to do. You are getting closer to detaching when a lot of your focus DOES NOT include W.
Sad.... To see someone who was so full of life and energy in our relationship just phase it out like I am a discontinued model of car.
I know somewhere in there is the lady who I fell in love with. I just hope that she finds herself and still wants to be with me.
I will be spending almost all weekend away from her and then next week she goes on her retreat..
This stinks, lol
We all thought this. What you have to understand is what was your wife, GREW into what she is today. It's unlikely that she will revert back to the woman that WAS in love with you. She'd have to fall in love all over again and it's not going to happen anytime soon with the way things go around here.
If you have no children together then there is less to tie you.
Consider it like a girlfriend that you lost, who you are still sharing space with. It's over. You might as well go look around.
Yeah, its tough to get there... I know I m getting closer and closer and sometimes it scares me because I am afraid that I could fall out of love with W as well...
Resentment is going to start building up, how do I deal with that??
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Yeah, its tough to get there... I know I m getting closer and closer and sometimes it scares me because I am afraid that I could fall out of love with W as well...
Resentment is going to start building up, how do I deal with that??
You could very well fall out of love. I think that's why there aren't more reconciliations in S and D, it's very hard to keep loving someone when they don't love you. Love is a choice we make. We choose who to love. We can also choose when to stop loving. If the person we love doesn't return the love, it's very difficult to maintain our love for them.
As for dealing with resentment, don't think of it as resentment. Think of it as taking off your rose-colored glasses and really looking at your spouse, warts and all. Us LBS's tend to put our WAS's on pedestals and worship them. We forget all their faults. We forget that often they contributed as much to the failing marriage as we did. They remember the bad but not the good in the M, we remember the good but not the bad. At some point in detachment we start remembering the bad. That's actually healthy, we SHOULD evaluate the good and bad and decide if they're worth standing for. I've read quite a few stories here where a WAS comes back to reconcile and then the LBS that thought they wanted nothing else in life suddenly starts remembering all the WAS's issues and questions whether they really want to reconcile! Better to get that resolved with yourself in detachment, it'll give you a more realistic view of what reconciling will look like.
Resentment is going to start building up, how do I deal with that??
Originally Posted By: Grateful
I would like to know the answer to that as well. Resentment is starting to build strong for me.
Forgiveness is key. It's something I'm definitely still working on.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
I think forgiveness is only part of it. It is like opening the puzzle box. You can now see the pieces but you still have to figure out how to put them together. I believe I truly forgave my w on Monday. Not quite sure how it happened, but it felt like a huge weight had been lifted.
Me 37/W 32 S 5 D 4 ILYBNILWY 5/12 Sep 8/12 Starting to find myself 11/12 on
The thing is that I want to make sure I am not fighting for this M only because I am "afraid to lose her" I want to fight for it because I feel W and our M are things which I am just "attached" to right now.
I did a little check in my head and it makes me so confused because both side play out equal... I know that the term "soulmate" is just B.S. hollywood puts out to sell movies and an illusion but I feel I would definitely be missing an integral piece of myself without her but I know I would be able to love again as well...
I think the resentment comes from the fact that she has not stated once what she wants for sure yet...
SOOOO confused...
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
