There are a couple of things I should also mention.
In 2009 her father passed away quite suddenly. My mother-in-law was an emotional wreck (understandably) and my wife took it on herself to be her mothers well-being 'protector'. It has taken its toll on my wife, to the point where she considers her mother like a "4th child" (her words).
I have been supportive throughout all this and have tried to make it easier for her. I have to be honest though and say that as I felt our relationship was taking a back seat (I felt like the very last priority in her life) I withdrew from her and focused my energy on my career, children and hobbies.
Our children are very much a handful. In our bomb-drop conversation, she also mentioned that she was not happy with not just me but the children and the general craziness of our lives. She said that sometimes she felt like just staying at her office longer for the peace and quiet and that she dreaded coming home.
I know that I have contributed to this situation by not being more patient with the kids when they act out. My wife gets upset, then I get upset and then we end up upset at each other. Its a nasty circle (more of the same behaviour!) that has served us no purpose for a long time. That is currently one of my 180's and it seems to be working. Our house has been more peaceful the past two weeks and I know that she has noticed. However, I think at this moment, she thinks that all this new-found ability I have to listen and talk to her, my peace of mind, etc is all an act to win her back. I can understand that perspective.
We have had some conversations about the future of our relationship. Most have been initiated by her which went ok, but you are 100% right when you say I should not bring it up. I did one morning and it was clearly a backwards step.
I have laid out my 'wants' very clearly one time and I wont be doing it again. She knows my position. I have told her that I want to work on this marriage and that I will not support in any way any kind of a separation.
She has talked less lately about "if we separate". When she did, there were some bizarre comments like, "if we eventually meet someone else will we need to have the other approve the new partner?" and "no matter what, we still will have to take vacations together with the kids". I told her in no uncertain terms that this would not work and would be completely unacceptable. Certainly smacks of wanting the cake and eating it too to me.
Right now, I am doing everything I can. I realize I have made mistakes and not been there for her emotionally when I should have been. I am really treating this as an awakening for myself. I just hope I'm not too late to save the marriage with the woman I know I love, but have made mistakes with. I got sloppy and complacent. I know better than that now and my life and attitude are different already because of it.
I just dont know how to get this reconciled if she doesn't want any physical contact with me of any kind?
Do I just keep doing what I am doing and give it time?
Its so hard. Thank god for a place like this to get some advice and comfort.
